9 Tips to Help You Communicate With Your Teen
Yesterday we talked about being desperate to communicate with our teens, but how can we communicate when some days the only interaction we get is an evil eye roll?
- Give her your undivided attention. We’re parents. We’re busy. But we need to make time for our kids. Sometimes it feels like they’ve gotten so independent they don’t need us anymore. But they do. Put the Blackberry away. Shut down your laptop and just concentrate on your teen.
- Don’t force him. Ask “Do you want to talk?” and if the answer is “no” then respect that. Sometimes teens (and sometimes parents) just want to be left alone. But let him now you are there if and when he is ready to talk.
- Fight fair. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t say, “You always do this. Remember in the 2nd grade when I couldn’t get you to…” That’s not going to help anything. Stick to the issue at hand. Present your case. And then really listen to your teen’s rebuttal. Try to be understanding, but still be firm.
- Share your day. We all know what the answer to “how as school today?” So instead of asking that question, tell your teen about your day. When you open up, it may get him to open up. Tell him about a funny conversation you had with a co-worker. Or about somebody that really ticked you off that day and see if he has any advice. Get him talking.
- Be part of her world. Ask her if she heard the new Katie Perry song. Or how her friend’s surgery went. Or if the history test was hard. Know what’s going on in her life and show your interest.
- Be sympathetic. If her boyfriend breaks her heart don’t say, “I told you that boy was no good.” Instead give her a shoulder to cry on. Let her talk about her feelings. Ask her what you can do to make her feel better. Pull out the ice cream and two spoons (you can count calories tomorrow).
- Reach him the way he likes to be reached. Send him an email with the itinerary for the weekend family plans. Text him “I love you” so he knows you’re thinking about him. Create your own World of Warcraft character and try to figure out how to play that dang game. Send him a funny message on Facebook.
- Ease up a little. Or as we like to say, “pick your battles.” Teenagers don’t respond to constant nagging. Stay firm on the big issues and let the little issues fly. Let your teen face the consequences of their decision and be there with a tissue if they fail.
- Ask her opinion. Don’t just tell her what to do. Give her options. Ask her to choose the family activity for the weekend or ask her what chores she thinks she should do or what she thinks her punishment should be. Give her some input and honestly listen to what she has to say.
Also, there are three books I have read and highly recommend when it comes to communicating with your teen; How To Talk So Teens Will Listen and Listen So Teens Will Talk
So what are your tips? How do you communicate with your teens?
Ahhh…the evil eye roll. I know it well.
Very nice tips though. I especially like “Reach him the way he likes to be reached.” It’s amazing the kind of great conversation that comes out of your teen when you’re just doing stuff together. I’ve had some of the best conversations with my daughter just hanging out in the living room watching TV or sharing crazy videos on You Tube. The more comfortable they are, the more open they tend to be. I love your list, I may piggyback off of it for a post on Reign. You’ve inspired me!
I’ve seen other lists like this, but I think yours hits it right on the head. Nice!
As a Positive Psychologist and author of The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) written for girls, tweens and teens and their parents, I commend you. This is a fabulous list! You have shared many of the points I make to parents. I would also suggest and remind parents that we learn by example. If a parent is generous in the way she handles others, giving the benefit of the doubt on occasion, doing kindnesses, watching her speech, not engaging in squabbles or fights that are unproductive, etc. teenagers will respond in kind. Maybe not at the moment, but certainly as they mature (and they do). May I suggest my book as an add on to your list. Parents all over the country are enjoying The Truth (I’m a girl, I’m smart and I know everything) and finding that the girl’s diary is sharing in a candid, uncluttered way, tips about how to handle their own kids! May I send you a copy of the book to review? All my best, Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein, http://www.thetruthforgirls.com
Love the list. I’ve been known to IM DD from the living room when she’s in her bedroom. Texting, emailing, calling her cell. All of that works.
Great stuff..I’m a believer that the secret to success in parenting teens is communication. Excellent tips, Christine. I work with parents, too, and I had one man say to me after a communications workshop : “It often seems like we’re trying to remain calm and understanding while receiving a verbal “slap in the face”, and turning the other cheek is a hard thing to do. I guess it’s a skill that must be constantly practiced.” If you’re interested to read about how one might approach it when kids are giving you a “verbal slap in the face”, I invite you to read my response to him: http://pleasestoptherollercoaster.com/blog/2008/03/11/communicating-with-teens-when-the-going-gets-rough/
NOTE TO CHRISTINE: I’m sorry to have to make this note public, but your email link is not working and I would love to reach you. Can you please email me back so we can connect? Thank you!