A Click Of My Mouse and I’m Single Again

I changed my My Space status to “single.” I know that probably doesn’t sound like a big deal, but I thought about it for a long time before I did it and even now I feel sort of sick to my stomach. The way I see it, if I haven’t heard from my man in two months, if 3 holidays went by without any happy/merry whatever wishes, if even the simplest message is met with silence, well I’m pretty sure that means he’s just not into me anymore.

I feel sad and disappointed because I honestly believe that I tried my best and was a good partner. I wasn’t petty. I wasn’t bitchy. I kept an open mind and I was patient. So ridiculously patient. I think I’ve disappointed my family in some way, made them doubt my self-confidence or my sense of self-preservation. My older daughter has mentioned that to me, “Mom what are you doing?” My sister assumed I was already “single” more than once.

It was complicated. My first love back in my life, something I always dreamed of, an idea that stayed at the back of my mind for over 20 years. And when we were together, we were so happy. I can remember one fight in our year and a half together. One. We did have a couple of scrappy phone calls, but they were about things like our differing views of the Constitution or ……well, really that’s the only one I can remember. When he was in town, it was hugging and kissing and cooking and laughing……but in the last year he has rarely been in town. He’s spent most of the last year unemployed and I told myself that his absence, his silence was because of that- he was off-kilter, scared, uncertain about his future. So, I waited it out and after awhile he’d call and come see me and everything would feel normal again. For awhile.

My expectations of people, they’ve sometimes been a bit much. People are flawed, I’m flawed. I don’t expect as much anymore, but the times that this man has let me down, well it’s grown too much for me now. He’s capable of being the most wonderful generous man, but it doesn’t appear that he is that invested in being the wonderful man. He gives up on himself or on me or……I really shouldn’t try to guess. His reasons are his reasons. I can’t make him love me. I can’t make him treat me with respect or courtesy.

So we go out like this – no big break up, no fight, no teary anything, just a click of my mouse and I’m single again.