Absence Makes Me Just Miss You More

I have a friend going through some hard times in her own relationship. A variety of factors are making things difficult and causing a lot of tension and unspoken resentment/anger that makes me wonder how long they will keep things going…before it all finally implodes.

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Over coffee last weekend we talked about how much he was traveling. And at this point her reaction isn’t sadness that he’s away. Or even happiness that she has “alone time”.

She feels indifference.

He could be here, not be here, whatever – she’s to the point of not even caring anymore. That’s probably the scariest place to be, since emotional reactions (good or bad) to their obvious disconnect are gone…and and what has replaced it just numbness.

But one of my rules about being “the married friend” is that I try not to project too much of my own experience into my advice. This is because I personally can’t stand it when people act as though their marriage is a model for all marriages. There is no model. There is only what works for you two. In obvious cases like this one, I can point out with pretty reasonable cerainty that indifference is not a good feeling to have when your boyfriend or husband is out of town for a week. That’s not to say she should be sitting at her window pining away for his return…but a little emotion would be good, right?

I used to travel a lot more – a few years back I was on a plane and out of town for at least a week every month. Of course I missed Paul. But I was also busy, really enjoying my work and having a good time. So the momentary pangs of lonliness in an empty hotel were counter balanced by hours of productivity and hard work.

You see it wasn’t the lonely moments that reminded me how much I love Paul and how happy I am to be with him. It was when I talked to him on the phone. Or caught up with him on Skype for a second during the day. I smiled just a little bit more and my heart was that much lighter because I got a chance to connect with him.

Though I did not relate all of this detail to my friend, chosing instead to talk to her about how she’s feeling and try to keep my own bias and experience out of it as much as possible, I did wonder quietly if there was any way to recover from indifference – how do you get back to love? Not just the mushy part – but the strong ‘partnership’ place.

Is it even possible?