Adoption; Infertility, Baby Stealing, and the need for Reform
I have been working on this post all day and I have been hesitant to click the publish button because I don’t know how it will be perceived. Words are very unpredictable. But I am taking the chance because I do want my voice to be heard; I just don’t want to be misunderstood.
Adoption has become a very controversial topic lately not only because of posts like this but even in the general public when people like Madonna adopt children who have parents still in the picture (and not ready to relinquish).
My husband and I adopted because we are infertile. We hope we are not, as many people see adoptive parents these days, baby stealers. We are parents of a fabulous 4 year old but we don’t think that we deserved him any more than anyone else deserves a child. Our journey to him was just as unique, just as adventurous, and just as special as anyone else’s pregnancy or adoption.
Our infertility is not the result of STD’s, weight, smoking, an abortion, age, or anything else self inflicted or choice related. Our infertility is the result of poor genetics and inherited reproductive issues. We were 26 when we started trying to get pregnant and we were nervous. I had already had one surgery to help with scar tissue and we knew that there was a possibility that I would be unable to conceive. What we did not know was that my husband had fertility issues as well.
My OB knew of all of my female issues so he sent us to a specialist after 6 months (most OB’s won’t even talk to you without trying for a year). We did some more testing and then one round of ICSI. What we found out after that one unsuccessful round was that we had LESS than one percent chance of conceiving WITH medical assistance.
So, when people say things like But infertility is a medical problem – not a social issue – that needs to be resolved with medical treatments and with preventative education. It is NOT resolved by being the recipient of a child that a mother was pressured – because of no alternatives – to let go because they don’t agree with adoption practices it breaks my heart.
Should we have lived the rest of our lives childless because medicine couldn’t help us or should we have been able to adopt a child?
Our first son was in a Russian orphanage for two years before we adopted him. His biological mother and father never visited him. They never sent one letter or message to him. They never attempted to make contact with him and didn’t even show up for court the day of his relinquishment hearing.
Were his birth parents pressured to relinquish him? (We know that social services stepped in.) Did we steal him from them? (Is it stealing if there is no contact?) Did we use our infertility as an excuse to adopt? (No, it was our way to build our family.)
Every country has their own political woes, poverty, and social injustice. I, however, am not fine with women having babies for ffinancial gain or for adoption representatives selling babies to make a buck and if I thought our second son was in that position I would NOT be adopting him.
Adoption has become an open subject (as it should be) but it needs reform. Unfortunately, its not all about open adoption records but how birth mothers are perceived in the media, the adoptive parent/birth parent relationship, how international adoptions are processed, how agencies run their programs, and I could go on. But, that is all for later…
Clicking publish. Your turn to talk.
This is a very brave and honest post and I commend you for clicking publish. I agree with you that there need to be some reforms, but no system will ever be perfect. As my wife and I proceed with our adoption, I have grappled with the issue of how we are obtaining our daughter as well, but I believe that there are far, far more people willing to give up their children (for a lot of different reasons) than there are baby stealing episodes. But with so much of life, the sensational makes the news. If I believed otherwise, I know I would not be pursuing this.
Incidentally, for those people rude enough to ask us, most assume that we are adopting due to infertility. However, we have other motivations and I believe the reasons for adopting are just as personal and private as the reason for starting a family biologically. Why is it anyone’s business? Adoption should be seen as a joyous event, not as a second place alternative to something else.
Perhaps I should not click submit, but I’ll follow your example…
If you’re going to quote a reply to several comments made on another website, then you should at least read the original post http://www.krississippi.com/?p=426 and possibly discuss that instead of a convoluted “response to a response to a response”…
Krissi,
I did read your post, several times, in fact. I even linked to it. But, I chose not to discuss it.
Dan, thank you for your honestly and YOUR bravery. Eric and I continue to talk about how glad we are that we met your family.
Marcie -
I’m sorry, where did you link to http://www.krississippi.com/?p=426 ? Guess I missed it. I noticed you linked to post 428, though.
K
Yeah, I linked to 428.
Marcie -
Right, ok. But that was only a commented reply to someone who wasn’t able to reply to the original post.
These kinds of things are exactly why I made my original post in the first place – lets all judge based on only one part of a story. How fair!
To be fair I changed the link. My original intent was to show that posts on adoption can end up being controversial. It was not my intent to post to that one. I have you on my google reader so I must have just clicked on that and linked. Apologies.
Marcie -
Thank you for changing the link. I appreciate it.
Adoption 1920’s style, this is how a Rosie O’Donnell funded adoption agency facilitates an adoption. Children of the World, Inc. out of Verona, New Jersey is now out of business because I put them out of commission. It’s executive director Veronica Serio corrupt ways I finally exposed. Can you beleive this woman has been in the adoption field 35 years? I came to find out she actually helped write N.J. state adoption law. Write your own law, while you steal your babies to adopt out, how clever is that? By the way, an adoptrion attorney she works with, Steven I. Sklar whom I proved lied to the State Supreme Courts Office of Attorney Ethics, actually knew of a frantic Birth father in desperate search for his pregnant girlfriend two days after the birth of his child. He did absolutely nothing despite being given this information by the birth mothers hometown OB. This OB knew an adoption fraud was taking place, thats why the OB relayed this crucial info to Mr. Sklar. Whatever you do, do not adopt in jersey if you want a clear concious, because the child you adopt may be stolen. ALL THAT I SAY CAN BE PROVEN BY THE NEW JERSEY OPEN PUBLIC RECORDS ACT, ELENA FLYNN IS THE RECORDS KEEPER. The N.J. DHS is the most inept organization on the planet. These people took Veronica Serio’s LIES as the gospel truth. THEY VERIFIED NOTHING! Maybe the fact that they affectionately know Veronica as “Ronny” has something to do with it. Either that or DHS enforcement agents Karen Moyer and Anna Montes graduated at the Barney Fife School of Investigative Procedure. If you would like to know more, you are welcome to visit the web site __ pickettsghostdivisionsuicidebomberrepublicans.com or go to Lulu Books.com under author David Archuletta, thank you
I’m getting really sick of adoptive parents being required to feel guilty for the rest of our lives because we adopted. Our first son’s birthmother CONTACTED US via the adoption agency when she was expecting our second son, because she wanted the kids to be raised together if possible. I know her heart bled at the thought of having to place another child for adoption. At the same time, she was being a responsible parent – doing whatever it took to make sure her kids survived and thrived. So why do I have to feel second rate because I ‘took’ her kids? Why would my loss if she changed her mine be less? I am the only mom these two have ever known, and I will not apologize for it. I know there are shady adoption dealers out there. But to declare (as some seem to) that every adoption is some horrible selfish act just pisses me off. We were brought together, and we are a family.
To BMS:
My comments were not directed at adoptive parents. What you do is a wonderful thing. My point was not think a ll facilitatators are as atruistic as other people…. Think about it, your providing a home for a child that might not have one otherwise. The people I mentioned get paid to do what they do. Who watches them?
Mr. Archuletta, I think we posted at the same time, because I was not responding to your post. I fully agree – unscrupulous adoption agencies must be put out of business, so that the rest of us are not tarred with their brush.
To BMS:
Your metaphor as to to being tarred by unworthty adoption facilitators hits one aspect of newborn adoption right on the nail’s head. As for perspective couples wanting a child, some of them must get their hands dirty.
It is a well known fact that front money is paid in cash to some of these birthmothers. This money comes straight from the pockets of the adoptive parents. Do I have a problem with this? No, simply for the fact that I know the adoptive parents must play by the rules allowed and made up by adoption agencies and adoption attorneys. [A very small percentage, but when it comes to human lives one is too many] In order for an adoptive couple to complete this great humanitarian act they must jump into the mire and hope to come up out of it with child in arms. It is a sad fact that this is the way newborn adoption has evolved. As for the adoptive parents that have been swiped by this “brush”, the tar is removed easily and none of it will ever show up in your child’s life, God bless.
That posting issue was my fault, as I had not moderated his post in a timely manner. Sorry. It came across to me late.