‘Amazing’ baby

My son is only five months old, yet he has consistently amazed me since minute one.

I’m amazed by how quickly he changes and how much he learns every day. I’m amazed at how cute he is and how he keeps me constantly moving and adjusting my lifestyle. I’m amazed by how much power his smile wields over me and how one little smirk can melt me instantly. I’m amazed by the overwhelming love I feel for this child.

However, one of the most amazing things about him is the near chemical-weapons-grade gas that he shoots out of his butt. I never thought someone so little, so innocent looking, so cute, could be so rank and nasty, but he is. He hasn’t even started solids yet, but his ability to clear a room in mere seconds is remarkable. A small puff would cause most to pass out. A larger dose can strip paint from most surfaces. We may try and use him to refinish a few antique chairs.

The worst part is his timing. He does not always dole out his gaseous punishment in our own home, but rather waits for a public venue. While holding him in a grocery or department store, he will let loose. Some people turn and look due to the impressive volume of his farts. They see a 200 pound man and a 20 pound baby, and by the judging looks I get, I know they think that an expulsion of such volume could only come from the adult. After their eyes begin to water and their respiratory system shut down, they quickly flee the area. I am unable to run from the scene, as his Grover diapers trap some of the toxins and continue a time-released wafting. I have no option but to stand there with my stinky child.

I have begun to think that this is an early attempt to assert his dominance over his parents. It’s his form of payback for bath towel creatures.