An open letter to my infant son

Dear little one,

I am writing to let you know that your recent attempts to pee on me have not gone unnoticed, and frankly it’s rather uncool. I placed a towel over your bits to prevent such an occurrence, but the manner in which you deftly kicked it away immediately preceding your urinary launch makes your attempt seem rather devious. I admit some regret that my immediate reaction was to step out of harm’s way, leaving you victim to friendly fire.

Your follow up attempt at wetting me by soaking through your diaper and clothing with lightning speed while in my arms can only be described as kamikaze-inspired. You get high marks for strategy, but please remember that ultimately I am the one that will clean and dry you.

I feel as though my hands are tied as I can not fight back on equal terms. My aim is much better and frankly you’d be a sitting target. Plus, if I were to do so, child services would take you away which is an undesired result on all parts. I understand a lack of finer motor skills leaves you with urinary assault as one of your primary options for making large statements, please save it for the diaper and keep it away from me.

In summary, please stop trying to pee on me. I will remain diligent in trying to thwart your attempts and would appreciate any reduction in your assaults.

I love you very much,

Dad