Attachment and Dissolution, More on Poeteray

Disruptions and dissolutions happen in the adoption community but they usually happen within days or weeks, not after SIX years. I am certainly not "recalling" my child (see title of the post) but Dutch Diplomat Poeteray is in the process of dissolving the adoption with his daughter (who has no citizenship in Hong Kong or the Netherlands ) six years after adopting her from Korea.

Raymond and Meta Poeteray handed their daughter, Jade, over to social workers in Hong Kong saying the adoption had not worked out.

In a statement published by Dutch newspaper De Telegraaf (and the BBC News), Raymond Poeteray — a Hong Kong-based Consul — said his daughter was “very sick,” and suffers from a “severe form of fear of emotional attachment.”

Jade currently lives in a separate house, (the Hong Kong Foster system) and the entire family is in therapy.

“We tried intensive family therapy to find a cure. To our great disappointment, things didn’t get better, they got worse and the rest of the family began to suffer immensely from that,” he wrote in a letter signed by him and his wife, Meta.

“In mid-2006, on the advice of known medical specialists, professionals from the adoption organization ‘Mother’s Choice’ and the social services of Hong Kong, it was decided that in (her) interest she should be placed in a separate house and we would not be allowed to have any contact with her. The therapy for our family and our daughter continues to this day.”

I have heard of several children who have found new homes after they have been adopted. I have mixed feelings about disruptions despite what the norm is within the adoption community. Most adoptive parents and adoptees look down upon disruptions and dissolutions because, well, you are relinquishing a child you chose to raise forever. My thoughts and my heart  sway towards what is best for the child, and the other children in the home, in cases such as Jades. Would it really be best to keep her in a home where she is not wanted or loved?

I have a friend who recently dissolved her relationship with the daughter she adopted from Russia two years ago. In my heart I know that it was the right choice for her, her family, and her daughter. Often, children have such special needs that can not be met in particular homes.

Is it not better to find the right home than to allow the child to suffer in the wrong one?

Are the Poeteray’s telling the truth when they say that their daughter was ill and unattached? Or is the an issue wherein the mother is unattached? Has a nanny cared for the child more than the mother? Did they adopt her to fill a void and not because they wanted a child? Did they ever really claim her as their child?

They seem to blame her for the dissolution but how much effort did they put into the relationship before they realized they were in trouble?  It seems to be, from everything I have read, that they never had their hearts in the right place. But, that is just my opinion.

This is cross posted to Chicago Moms Blog where I also write.