Is it sex? A kiss? Laughter? A squeeze of the hand? Or is it something more than that?

Those butterflies in your stomach when you’re going out on a first date…or the surge of excitement right before the doors open at the airport and your eyes search to find your lover is standing on the other side..or the anticipation right after you say “I love you” for the first time and maybe/maybe not that other person will say it back?

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Is that intimacy?

I think intimacy is a lot of things, but I don’t think any of the above could be labeled as such. Sure, a lot of it is love. Some lust. Some just the general sense of newness that most of us crave throughout our lives.

But intimacy to me is something more. The Merriam-Webster’s definition is decidedly lackluster (“something of a personal or private nature”) and even Wikipedia’s attempt (“a familiar and very close connection with another as a result of entering deeply or closely into relationship through knowledge and experience of the other.”) conveys a great deal of bias.

So what the heck is it?

Here is how I see intimacy, since a suitable definition alludes me.

Intimacy is…

…knowing that he is pretending to still be sleeping while you’re doing early morning chores – and finding that endearing.

…being able to say “I stepped in a puddle on the way home so my shoes are going to reek when I take them off. Just sayin’.” and knowing he’ll still love you and think you’re pretty.

…calling each other on your flaws and personality quirks, but in a way to help each other grow and become better people.

…not laughing when he almost refers to himself as a chef in Williams & Sonoma, only two weeks after first picking up a cookbook (but teasing him about it later and both of you laughing about it – without judgement.)

…knowing how your partner sleeps (I toss and turn, he’s solidly in one place all night) and feeling like the bed is empty when it’s just you there.

…picking up on the languages and vocabulary in each others professions/passions through osmosis – or rather, because you both were actually listening to all those ramblings over dinner.

…always saying “I love you” when you feel it, and totally meaning it, because we only get so many chances to say it.

What is intimacy to you?

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Intimacy In Real Life

“Can I tell Paul?”

Usually people will laugh and say, “Of course you can tell Paul. I kind of expected that you would.”

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But occasionally the person I am talking to will shake their head and be firm about not wanting anyone, even Paul, to know. I can’t stand that tug and pull between my friend and my spouse, who I very much do not keep secrets from.

It would be so much easier if during the wedding ceremony and in the thank you cards, we all reminded our loved ones that this person we live with and hang out with all the time – yeah, we’re going to tell him/her everything. Expect that if you tell me, he will know within the next 1-3 hours. If I think he won’t really care, I might save this new information for when we’re brushing our teeth. But if it’s something he will find equally as juicy, I’m probably calling him on my way home.

Now, just because I can’t keep a secret, that does’t mean we both can’t. We’re a team, a pair, a couple of people who share everything with one another. So really, my friends and family should be thanking me and Paul for having each other…that way the temptation to tell someone is out of our systems and safely left between the two of us.

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Do You And Your Spouse Have Secrets?

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But at the same time, sometimes it’s just so nice to get dressed up and put your beautiful face forward for each other. For him. But mostly for you.

Come on, it’s just so nice to be all spruced up and looking your best, isn’t it? No doubt, he will be delighted. But that should really be a given! You should spend the time putting yourself together to give your self confidence and emotional happiness a little weekend celebratory lift.

Put the sweatpants away, break out the blush and really take the time to shave your darn legs. As I said – he will notice. But it probably won’t be the particulars about your physical appearance that have the most impact. It will be you at your best, knowing you are at your best, and feeling darn good about it.

Your sweatpants will always be there. And sweatpants can be sexy too! But make sure, even just once in a while, you make the effort to spend that extra time in the bathroom getting ready for the day. Enjoy it. For you.

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Get Out of Your Sweatpants. For You.

I have heard women lament about how as soon as they got married, 5-20 pounds immediately appeared on their frame, as if a wedding band were a magnet for saddlebags and love handles. The same deflection is heard every Fall when a bunch of kids trot off to college and promptly gain “the freshman fifteen”.

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No, your husband and your marriage are not making you fat. And this is coming from a woman who has probably put on close to twenty pounds since the wedding day! To be fair, the slide downhill probably started a year or two before the actual wedding, but never the less – in the last 18 months or so…the difference is noticeable, as much as I hate to admit it.

Could I just blame Paul? Make it his fault that I don’t eat skimpy salads for dinner? Yeah, probably. He might even absorb that accusation just because who wants to be the guy to say, “Eve, you’re the reason you can’t fit into your favorite jeans anymore, not me.” No one wants to be that guy.

No, it’s not Paul’s fault. It is my concern and my stress, work, life that has caused exercise and moderation to escape my brain completely. The downside of an active childhood is that you can eat whatever you want without a second thought. As soon as that is paired up with an office job and long hours…the pounds are hard to stave off.

Don’t blame your husband if you are battling with your weight. That’s only going to stop you from doing something about it. Making it a consequence of married life only stalls the ability to change and start feeling better about yourself.

Okay, easy part is over. I know who is to blame. (Me.) Now the hard part – actually doing something about it.

Post from: Blisstree

Is Your Husband Making You Fat?

Yeah, this happens a lot. Granted, married women tend to either be the best at advice…or the absolute worst. Once that ring is on your finger, it’s really easy to forget how difficult dating is and that not every guy is the prince charming you have.

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I try to keep these things in mind when a friend stops by and asks “what should I do?”

It’s your opinion. Just because you are married, does not mean you have a graduate degree in relationships. Your opinion is valid, but it’s not truth or fact. Remember that much of what you speak comes from personal experience that may or may not – probably not – be similar to your friend’s predicament.

You don’t know the whole story. Don’t automatically side with your friend on everything either. Listen to the whole story (as told by her) and gently try to guide her from there. But just mindlessly blaming him is pointless – unless he really is to blame for it all (unlikely).

Don’t use your marriage as an example. Should the words, “Well, when Paul and I…” start to cross your lips, try to hold back. Unless you truly believe that the commitment between your unmarried couple friends is comparable (and she would agree with you on that), you’re only going to sound like the obnoxious married friend.

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When You Are “The Married Friend”

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It’s only the next day, when you’re yawning every five minutes that you remember how you’re not cut out for all nighters anymore.

But after a while, once you have settled into a steady routine (ick, as much as I don’t like that word) it isn’t just about fitting sleep somewhere into your relationship. You have to reclaim a good night’s sleep and do what’s right for your own sanity and happiness.

I sometimes stay up really late, but I’m a secret early riser. And although there are certainly times where it’s great to hop into bed together, I’ve realized that for the most part I have to go to bed when I need to go to bed…otherwise, I’m too cranky for words the next day – and no one wants to hang out with that Eve.

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How Similar Are Your Sleeping Routines?

Heaven!

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Right now, Paul and I share a bathroom. Thankfully, it’s a nice size bathroom. But back when we were still in a small one bedroom, we happened to find a unit that had two teeny bathrooms instead of one moderately sized one. The reason? It’s better for each of us to be crammed into our own separate spaces than have to try to work around each other in a bathroom only meant for one. Inevitably, my overabundance of hair products are going to bug him, and he’s going to leave the toilet seat up or beard clippings in the sink (gross!).

We don’t have the beautiful oversize individual bathrooms yet…but here are the ground rules we try really hard to respect in order to keep a little peace and sanity in our place.

Toilet Seat = DOWN. Guys, it’s just gross when you leave it up. We have two cats anyway, so the toilet must be closed up anyway so they don’t poke their heads in for a quick drink.

There must be three towels. One for Paul, One for me, and one for my hair. If I have to use Paul’s towel for the hair, go get another one for him to replace it.

I’m responsible for shampoo availability. Since I probably use twice as much of it, I’m the one who keeps an eye on the bottle of shampoo to make sure we’re always topped up.

Makeup must be stowed away. Otherwise…it’s everywhere.

The sink is sacred. Toothpaste, powder, beard shavings all combine to make the most disgusting gunk ever. Clean after use. This goes for both of us.

Do you share a bathroom with your hubby? How do you keep the peace in there?

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Couplehood: Sharing A Bathroom

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Maybe. But this discussion around what we have been discussing (work!) and the absence of much in the way of outside interests, prompted us to start our own little two person book club. It’s very exclusive.

The only problem is that I will literally devour a book. Whereas Paul likes to take his time and approach each chapter in small doses. Nothing wrong with that…except when I’m long done with the book and continuously asking…

“What part are you at now?”

But even though we don’t do a good job keeping pace with each other, it’s still fun to even laugh about that. Sure, we will eventually get around to discussing the book itself, but for right now I’ll wait for him to finish the last ten chapters and simply smile because I we both learned a little something new about each other.

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Couples That Stay Together, Read Together

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But provided things are good, talking to your lover well after the shiny gleam of wedding day madness has worn away and you two are settled into married life about how you got here and what marriage means to you can make for a fun opportunity to get to know a little more about your “other half”.

For me, marriage is about friendship. We’re more than just a couple, we are best friends in the entire world and actually really love spending time together. Marriage was (and still is) a natural progression of this closeness and desire to be connected with each other.

But marriage to me is also about protecting each other and making sure no matter what we are both equals protected should we ever decide this isn’t working anymore. I have no disillusions about the statistics stacked against everlasting marriage – especially given how young we made it official. And for right now, we both make similar salaries and contribute equally to paying for our lifestyle and saving for our future. I don’t think I would have felt comfortable combining all our assets and finances without a marriage license legally binding us together.

Heart and head leading the way, that’s why I got married.

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Why Did You Get Married?

I had no idea, until I read in The Globe and Mail today that the primary reason was syphilis. My first thought was “that seems reasonable”, but then I thought back and tried to remember if Paul and I had one before we got married. I couldn’t recall, so I asked him – apparently, we didn’t.

“Now, very few states still require a blood test,” she writes. “This testing has been phased out because syphilis was considered virtually eradicated.” It was also thought to be a burden on taxpayers because the screening targeted people in generally monogamous relationships, a low-risk group.

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I can’t imagine finding out your partner has a sexually transmitted disease while you are in the final stages of marriage preparation is a fun experience for anyone. Though I wonder what percentage of the time that actually came up when the tests were mandatory.

In any case, sharing medical history, issues and important information before you get married still seems to be a good idea. You are signing up to be with someone for the rest of your life – you should know what you’re getting, right?

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Marriage and Blood Tests