Image: Karmalize on Flickr

The holiday season is officially here.  If you feel stressed about the upcoming festivities, here are some tips to remember when spending large amounts of time with your entire family:

• Huge family get-togethers only occur once or twice a year.  Try to focus on the positive for just a few days.

• Go in with a positive attitude, but without high expectations.  Don’t expect that everything will perfect, but do expect that you will be able to calmly handle whatever comes your way.

• Focus on doing the best you can to help.  A lot of times family members disagree because they don’t feel that everyone is pulling their weight equally.  Focus on doing what you can to help (make plans, cook, decorate, chauffeur, etc.) without worrying about what other people aren’t doing.

• Don’t sweat the small things.  You have a lifetime of history with your family, which could cause you to get upset over small things.  Try to focus on the big picture and let small battles slide.

• Give yourself a break.  If you find that a situation is getting overwhelming, take yourself out of it.  Family get-togethers can be overwhelming with tons of people around all the time, so take some time to go for a walk or go workout by yourself to clear your head.

• This is not the best time for confrontations and interventions.  Again, focus on maintaining a positive attitude and enjoying that you all get to spend time together.  If you have issues with someone, discuss them in private at a separate time.  Don’t form alliances or gang up on anyone…it will cause more hurt than help.  Don’t start arguments.

Enjoy being around your loved ones and appreciate that you have the opportunity to spend the holidays together.

Post from: Blisstree

Tips For Dealing With Holiday Family Stress

The best relationships have a balance of independent decisions and listening to input from your partner.  You shouldn’t always do exactly what your boyfriend wants you to do.  He should trust you to make decisions that are best for you and the relationship without putting pressure on you to do what he wants.

Image: sxc.hu

Controlling boyfriends usually have deep underlying insecurities, which they subconsciously solve by pairing with a partner who they can control.  They feel powerful and falsely confident when they know that their girlfriend is doing exactly what they want them to do.  They feel good knowing that they “own” someone and the relationship can quickly sour if the girlfriend attempts to express any independence.

It’s important to be aware of the signs that you are in a controlling relationship because it is a serious relationship that can quickly get out of hand.  Here are important boyfriend behaviors to look for:

• Constant phonecalls and text messages
• Unnecessary and expensive gifts
• Checks your phone and reads your email
• Questioning you about your whereabouts
• Not allowing you to see certain people or go certain places
• Not trusting your decision-making abilities
• Encouraging activities that involve just the two of you
• Encouraging you to cut off relationships with other people
• Not allowing you to express your opinions/emotions
• Anger when questioned about his motives

If you notice that your boyfriend is engaging in these behaviors and you feel uncomfortable with the situation, then it is extremely important that you address it as soon as possible.  If he gets into a habit of thinking that he can control your life and tell you how to act, then it will be extremely difficult for him to change and for the relationship to transform into a healthy one.

It’s extremely important to remember that you are a person outside of your relationship.  You have needs and wants, and you also make mistakes sometimes. You don’t need your boyfriend to make decisions for you or decide who you are.  You need to decide for yourself.  Regardless of how much he loves, he is not there to control your life.  He is there to be a healthy and supportive part of your life while you move forward with independent goals and values.

Post from: Blisstree

My Boyfriend is Protective & Controlling

Image: Flickr applescruff

If you and an ex have decided that you want to try dating again, I want to recommend some important ideas to think about.  I can’t tell if you if getting back together is a good or bad decision, but I can tell you to think about and discuss these topics very seriously to avoid putting yourself in another painful situation.

• Remember why you broke up. It might sound obvious, but think about what caused you to break up and figure out if you have solved any of the serious issues.  Couple who still love each other break up because there is an unresolvable situation that keeps them from moving forward together.  If the situation is still unresolved, that is a serious problem.

• Loving each other is not enough.  A brief break-up and then jumping back into a relationship usually occurs because the two involved miss each other and don’t want to deal with the pain of separating.  Two people can be madly in love and miss each other every second they are apart, but still be unable to make a relationship work.  Love is important (obviously) but it’s not everything.  Make sure you address the other issues that exist in your relationship.

• It’s extremely difficult, but okay, to be alone.  Don’t let yourself fall back into a failed relationship because you don’t like being alone.  We all know that life is MUCH harder when you are out there on your own without a loving partner to come home to every night, but being alone is healthy and strengthening.  I have to admit that I have fallen into this trap many times and I only wish that I would have taken the time to notice it before the situation got out of control.

• You might not meet someone else right away.  Don’t go back to an old boyfriend because you “couldn’t find anyone else.”  There are a million fish in the sea and it takes a long time to sort through all of the fish.  Also, if you just got out of this relationship then you probably weren’t in a position to properly evaluate your new prospects.

• Be honest with yourself about your decision. Get in touch with your insecurities and your desires and try to figure out the real reason why you’re getting back together.  It might be extremely hard to figure this out when you’re so deep in the situation, so talk to the people in your life who know and love you and ask for their honest opinions.

I am definitely not saying that getting back together with a serious boyfriend of the past is an impossible situation, but I am saying that it is tricky and it’s good to be aware of potential problems before they occur.  Breaking up with someone you love is extremely hard the first time, and could be even more difficult the second time.  Take care of yourself by being careful not to put yourself in a situation that could cause more pain than long term happiness.

Post from: Blisstree

How To Be Smart When Getting Back Together

Missing holidays with your family to be with your significant other’s family is a pretty big deal.  Not only do you have the pressure of acting appropriately and making a good impression while sharing a special day with these new in-laws, but you also have the stress of realizing that the family that you are not going to see is going to miss your presence.

Spending the Holiday With Your In-Laws

Whether you’re married or seriously dating, spending a holiday with your in-laws is important.  It could be extremely stressful if this is the first time because you want to fit in and not upset any of their special traditions, but you must remember that this is still the holidays and you need to enjoy yourself and relax.  Holidays are for celebrating!  Find the balance between being yourself and fitting in.  Express your personality and let them know about you, but also be sensitive to their traditions and expectations.  This is their house and their family, so you want to show respect without completely losing who you are.

Spending the Holiday Away From Your Family

Your family might give you a lot of negativity for choosing to spend time with your in-laws instead of with them.  If you are feeling guilty, remember that they are only upset because they love you and miss your presence during this special time.  It’s very important to share time between families when you are married, so make sure to keep track of what holidays were spent where so you don’t cause fear of favoritism.  If you aren’t able to be with your family for a holiday, make sure to still show them that you care and that you are thinking of them with a phonecall or a thoughtful gift.  Again it’s important to find the balance between appeasing their (selfish) desires and making a decision that is right for you and your partner.

The holidays can be a difficult time where you can be pulled in many directions.  Remember to communicate openly with the people in your life and make decisions that are balanced and well thought out.  Enjoy the time with the people you are with and take time to appreciate those who are far away.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Spending Holidays With Your In-Laws

If you find that your significant other is part of this stressed out population, it can definitely be extremely taxing on you.  You probably feel pushed to the side because you know that he has so much already on his plate that the relationship is not something that he has time to worry about right now.  He is probably so occupied with everything else in his life that he just doesn’t have the energy to address any issues that arise between the two of you.  You might feel that you are taking on more than you can handle in all other areas of your life together to help to ease the stress, but that might be pushing you to a breaking point as well.

Even if your significant other is extremely busy dealing with stress related to school, work, and non-relationship areas of his life, it is still necessary to have balance in order maintain a successful relationship.  If you have issues that you want to address with him, you need to find time to discuss them.  Be thoughtful when picking a time to talk, but feel confident that what is going on in your life is just as important as everything that is going on in his.  Even if the stresses that he is dealing with seem so much more demanding and important as they related to the world and your financial situation, the personal and relationship issues that you are dealing with are also extremely important.

The most important thing to remember is to maintain calm and open communication throughout these super stressful times.  If you have something that is bothering you, find a way to talk about it in a practical and non-accusatory way.  The last thing you need right now is to have a fight!  If you keep your issues inside because you think they’re not important, they will end up building and will result in a huge blow-up at an inopportune time.

Think about your feelings and how you want to discuss them and approach your significant other with confidence and ideas on how you can resolve the situation.  Give him an opportunity to digest the issue that you have raised because there’s a big chance that he has been too busy to think about it.  Express to him that it’s important to the relationship to maintain communication and balance so that you can support each other in these tough times.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

My Boyfriend is Busy & Stressed Out

Thinking about what to wear on a first date to impress a girl?  I would suggest pairing a clean-shaven face with your well-fitting jeans and collared shirt because women say that grooming is a huge key to making a good first impression.  If you are a man who prefers facial hair, make sure that it is clean and freshly trimmed.

The most important news to share with men were the results that over half of women would also like the man in their life to properly groom his body hair.  A completely bare shaven chest similar to Mario Lopez’s is not a requirement, but using clippers to trim back, chest, and groin hair is a definite request.

The issue of body hair removal and trimming can be a sensitive one in a relationship because it involves possibly changing your grooming habits to fit your significant other’s desires.  Men and women can be easily offended if asked to change an aspect of their appearance, so be thoughtful and sensitive when bringing up the issue.  Everyone has their own personal preference for maintaining their own hair, but if you are in a relationship it is also important to feel comfortable discussing each other’s preferences.  Don’t run out and shave your chest because a survey’s results says that women don’t like chest hair, but do ask questions and engage in conversation about what you prefer about the other person.  It’s not good to make extreme changes in a relationship to satisfy the other person, but it is good to have a balance between continuing with what you think is best and adapting to make someone else happy.  Who knows?  Maybe you will be happier with the way you look and feel!

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Women Want Men to Groom Their Body Hair

“Actions speak louder than words.”  We’ve all heard it, but do we all really live it?  If someone has hurt you it always feels so much better when they apologize.  Apologies make you believe that the offender understands their mistake and feels badly for hurting you.  But apologies don’t always solve problems from re-occurring.

In relationships I think the saying should be “Actions speak louder than apologies.”  Some people are really into saying “I’m sorry.”  Flowers, gifts, and home-cooked meals might make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside, but are they really addressing the issue that hurt you in the first place?  Maybe his apology is just covering the situation with a Band-Aid.

True apologies are really tough.  They involve admitting that you have truly made a mistake and if you could travel back in time, you would have made a different decision.  You made a wrong decision.  You are sorry.  For most people getting in touch with themselves and admitting that they have made a mistake, especially when it involves hurting someone they care about, is very difficult.  If you find that your significant other is quick to apologize and make a grand gesture to prove the apology, then you really need to think about the validity of these apologies.

“Actions speak louder than apologies” means that what he says to quickly wrap-up the argument is not important.  The way that he changes his actions based on the problem that occurred is extremely important. Go back to the root of the situation and figure out what hurt you and what lit the fire.  Look at the bigger picture of your relationship to find the base of the problem.  That is where the solution lies…not in fancy dinners, gifts, and a dozen roses.  Don’t look for an apology.  Look for a change that shows that he understands what happened and why you were hurt.  If this doesn’t happen, then your fight will keep re-occurring and you will get caught in an endless pattern of arguing.

I can’t tell you whether or not his apology is sincere, but I can tell you that the way someone acts in a relationship is much more important than what he says about how he wants to act.

Image: Flickr

Post from: Blisstree

Should You Accept His Apology?

I was just reading Michelle’s article “Can You Be Friends With an Ex?” that addresses similar issues.  Everyone imagines a perfect scenario where they break up and their ex becomes their best friend and everyone lives happily ever after.  I think this idea should be completely abandoned because it is not a perfect scenario and I have never seen it achieved.  If you have loved and lost with someone, why would you want them in your life even at a friendship level?

I believe that keeping an ex in your life can be a precarious situation and if you do not have logistical reasons for maintaining contact (sharing children, splitting assets, working together, etc.) then a clean break is probably the best option.  I have heard women say “We broke up but we’re trying to be friends” so many times and I am here to tell you that it never really works.  (Readers…please comment if you disagree!)

Ask yourself these questions seriously and honestly before deciding to keep an ex in your life:

• Do I feel bad about breaking up with him? Am I trying to keep him in my life because he is sad and cutting him off would hurt him even more? (THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT!)

• Do I feel bad about him breaking up with me? Am I trying to keep him in my life because I think that a friendship could someday lead to getting back together?

• Do I want him in my life because I miss having him as my boyfriend?

• Do I want to still lean on him and talk go him about my personal problems in my life because we were close and could rely on each other when we were together?

• Is he pushing me into being friends?  Was it his idea to keep talking and hanging out?

• When we talk and spend time together, does it feel like we’re still together?

• Am I comfortable keeping him in my life only until I find a new love interest?  When I start dating someone else, will I cut him out?

• Is our friendship preventing him from dating new people?

It might seem like a lot of questions and you probably don’t want to find yourself answering “yes” to any of these because it will lead you towards the truth about cutting your ex out of your life, but please be honest with yourself so you can make the right decision for both of you.  Lying to yourself about the truth of your lingering relationship will only end up hurting both of you and delaying your ability to move forward.

I know that it is so so hard to say goodbye to someone completely and accept that their role in your life is over, but more oftentimes than not it is the right decision.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

How to Know When To Cut Him Out Completely

Dressing up as a pair is always fun.  If you are lucky enough to have a significant other or friend to pair with who also enjoys dressing up, there are lots of ideas out there for couples.  You can buy one of the packaged deals at your local costume store that come with a complete costume for each of you like Cinderella and Prince Charming, nun and priest, or Devil couple…OR you could try one of my 2009 pop culture Halloween costume ideas for couples that are hopefully a little bit more unique.

Image: Bauer Griffin

Here are my costume ideas and a few key pieces for starting the costume:

• Kanye West and Taylor Swift – colorful shutter shades, microphone, sneakers, glittery ball gown, long blonde hair

• Barack Obama and Michelle Obama – Barack mask, J.Crew dress with cardigan, kitten heels, bobbed hair

• Blaire and Chuck from Gossip Girl – headband, preppy uniform, colorful tights, slick combed hair, suit, bow tie

• Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt and tons of babies – tattoos, long brown hair, long gown, a really hot blonde guy
  

• Jon Gosselin and Kate Gosselin and tons of kids- Ed Hardy tshirt, jeans, blonde hair with signature sweeping bangs

• Billy Ray Cyrus and Miley Cyrus - long hair, sideburns, wife beater, cowboy boots, Hannah Montana gear

• Bella and Edward – flannel shirt, jeans, sneakers, raincoat, fangs

• Heidi and Spencer – Playboy clothes, fake boobs, scruffy blonde facial hair, “designer” outfit

• Miss California and Perez Hilton – sash, gown, pink hair

• Tom Brady and Gisele – Patriots uniform, pregnant belly

Post from: Blisstree

2009 Halloween Costume Ideas for Couples

E. Jean’s response was quite interesting! While most who hear this story would respond with the usual “There are women out there looking for a nice guy so you just have to wait until you find each other” E. Jean responded with:

“An amiable woman will endure the depredations of five assholes before she accidentally meets a good guy and falls for him…Place yourself where there are high numbers of women.  It will then become a mathematical certainty you’ll meet a woman who has maxed out on cads.”

Wow!  My first reaction was anger because, of course, I am a woman and I take offense to the idea that the only way that I would be interested in a nice guy would be if I was just completely rundown by dating a long list of bad guys.  No way!  Women aren’t like that!  Or…are they?  Well now that I think about it, E. Jean’s advice might be unconventional but it may be more realistic than what we have been telling nice guys for years.

The truth is that most women do end up dating a lot of jerks.  Think about your friends and how many times you have given each other advice about choosing the wrong men.  It’s not uncommon, so it’s must be accepted.  Women are attracted to the guys with the good looks and big personalities who oftentimes have a selfish attitude in a relationship.

I think it all boils down to an issue of confidence.  Guys want girls with confidence, and girls want guys with confidence.  It’s just a natural competitive spirit that we want the one who all the others want…we can’t help it!  If we are dating the hot, outgoing, funny, and super desirable (read: confident!) guy then we feel good about ourselves and we get a little personal boost.  The nice guy also wants the girl with similar characteristics…but who is that top dog going to end up dating?

The nice guy probably just needs to work on his shyness so that he can exude a personality of confidence.  He doesn’t have to be a jerk, he just has to be noticed!  He can’t let himself disappear into the shadows and let the top dogs steal all of the attention.  He also needs to search out those women who are more like him.  The women who like the nice guys are probably the women who are the nice girls.  Instead of shooting for the one getting all of the attention at the bar, shoot for the shy girl in the corner who might have a lot more in common with you.

So yes, it is true that women date a lot of jerks.  But I also still believe that if you are a nice guy, there is a nice girl out there who truly is looking for someone just like you without dating a list of bad guys first.

Image: sxc.hu

Post from: Blisstree

Women Date 5 Bad Guys Before 1 Nice Guy