Or, “What Lara keeps telling herself in order to make it to her birthday in April 2009 without crawling under a rock.”

I’ve been working really hard on this, because last Christmas was a royal, heartbreaking disaster for me. I mean, it’s going down in the history books as one of my top 3 worst ever Christmasses.

And it was really and truly all because of the man in my life. No one died, no one went into the hospital, but my entire life was so screwed up last year. I refuse to ever let that happen to me again.

Here are my top reasons to be happy being single this holiday season… Please share yours in the comments!

1. One less person to fight with. About anything. There’s no struggling with family holiday schedules, no arguments about who’s spending what on who, and who’s name gets put on the card for the nieces and nephews. There’s no flying around from house to house and arguing about how much time to spend with each other’s families. No fighting to get one person to go to someone’s house they don’t want to go to. Which brings me to #2…
2. Spending quality time with friends and family. I have some amazing best friends that suffered along with me silently through Christmas 2007. They would listen to my cries, support me 1000%, and never verbally complain that they didn’t get to see me. Okay, they would, but it was rare. I was spending so much time with him and his family, that I really did neglect my own friends and family. It’s something that I feel downright disgusted with myself for, and this year has shown me how blessed I really am, because they forgave me. Even my goddaughter, at the wonderful age of 6-going-on-30, was most excited to bake cookies with me the other day. I’ve seen more love pour out of that little girl’s eyes in one sugar cookie’d day, than I did in 8 months from him. I wouldn’t trade that for the entire world on one massive plate of biscotti if my life depended on it.
3. No broken expectations. I’m not anticipating ANYTHING. I’m not hoping for some sure sign of love, some beautiful gift that I was promised but never received. I’m not planning for a beautiful day of traveling between homes and families only to have it end with a vicious argument with someone who professes to love me but would rather tell me that I’m “the biggest piece of shit ever”.
4. More money to spend on others. Money’s tight, and I really love the fact that I don’t have to be out there searching for “the perfect gift”. It doesn’t need to be said, but we all know that we tend to spend the most on our boyfriend/girlfriend (of course, when there aren’t kids involved) and instead, I was able to get my parents and my friends (and my godkids!) more wonderful gifts because I saved $200 on not buying a GPS unit for the man in my life.
5. Being fun, flirty, and fabulous at parties. Now, I don’t go to many, because I work for myself and most of my “coworkers” are in other parts of the country and world, but I get to be this outrageous person that gets silly and flirty when I go out with friends or what have you. No harm, no foul, right?

Now, of course, after the holidays, after the New Year, we singletons are going to be faced with probably the worst ever holiday for being single there is… Valentine’s Day. I’m personally making it my mission to work harder at Being Fabulous all for myself, and will let whatever (and maybe whoever) comes my way just be what it is. I’m not ruling out the idea of having a valentine, because it’s just not in my nature to give up hope (though sometimes I think that it’d be easier). But for now I get to actually enjoy the blessings of family, friends and the spirit of Christmas all by my little single self. And I like that.

Post from: Blisstree

5 Great reasons to be happily single for the holidays

“Imperfection” by
enggul via Flickr

I know, I know… the way I see the world and it’s inhabitants is far different than the way others might see it. But damn it, I was talking to a guy on IM this morning and when we got to the part where I explain how and why I’m living with my dad, he suddenly disappeared. Actually, it went something like this:

Me: (explaining all the details of the past 7 years in brief, detailing the fact that I’m not a mooch, have lived on my own, financially independent, before for three years, etc.)
Him: And you’re how old again?
Me: 31
Him:
Me: Hello?
Him:
Me: (knowing what was going down) hahahahahahahaha
Him:
Me: (after 15 minutes of no replies) Something wrong?
Him: (signed off)

I can’t stand being judged on stupid stuff like that. Do people really think that despite my claims to the contrary, that I LIKE this living situation? I mean, I love my dad… 1000%. Love my mom that much too. But I’ve already lived on my own, completely self sufficient financially, and because I had a complete change around of my life (I used to be a zookeeper – it’s what I went to college for, and I now own a web development business) I had to make some changes. I floundered for a couple years, because my whole world was flipped upside down on me! But I’m here, and finally, 3 years into owning my business, can I say that the goal of buying my own house is visible to me on the horizon. How is this bad?

This was one of those things my ex used to throw in my face. I had an argument with a friend one day, and she used it against me as well. And now today, this guy who seemed kind of cool, bailed on me as soon as he read that I don’t live on my own (despite the fact that I pay all my own bills, and even contribute to the general household bills).

Keep in mind, I’m not crushed or emotionally devastated by this guy’s “bailure” (pun intended). In fact, I think he showed me a lot about who he is in the very short convo we did have. (He didn’t know what a blog was… for starters, there’s proof we’d have nothing in common!) He’d mentioned that he wanted to move out of NY (something I’ve considered but wouldn’t do for anyone except Mr. Absolutely Perfect.) He’d worked his way up with his questions trying to find out how much I make in a year. When I called him on it, he denied it, but I’m not stupid. My ex was a money focused person, too. I know the signs.

I just don’t understand why people just judge so much based on such stupid crap. I’m a pretty good person and friend. I’m a great girlfriend. I’m freaking awesome at being someone’s significant other. My life has NOT gone as I’d envisioned it all along, no. I’ve had to grow brand new dreams and goals for myself from the ground up. And I’m well on my way to reaching them. Doesn’t that count for something?

I swear, in the past 6 months between this guy, the guy who I haven’t heard from in a week since I told him that I knew his coworkers, and the guy who decided that I’m too loud, wear ghetto-fab earrings, and look “like the kind of girl who’d date a black guy” as if it were a bad thing, the uber clingy pink rose boy, the guy who guilt tripped me after I told him I wasn’t feelin’ it, and my ex… I don’t know what the hell to do, but I’m sure as heck going to put all that more energy into Being Fabulous all by myself at this point. Online dating is really freaking me out lately. What is WRONG with people!?!

Post from: Blisstree

It’s official. I hate online dating.

For some reason, this holiday season I’ve been finding myself craving all these luxurious things. Expensive jewelry, gorgeous perfumes, high end makeup and beauty products. Could be because I’m finding myself more exposed to them since taking over The List Maven, but the reality is that it has a LOT to do with my last relationship.

As some of you know, I was with my ex for over 8 months, and he never once gave me a gift. Not even a card, flowers, nothing. Part of me feels this is my fault, because I explained to him in the beginning that I’m not a materialistically demanding woman. What I meant by that was that I wasn’t the kind of woman who expected her man to buy her expensive gifts. What I didn’t mean by that was for him not to buy me anything at all.

He’d told me that all his exes were materialistic. He’d said that they all would give him hell if he didn’t buy them diamond tennis bracelets or pay for their car payments. I was floored. But I think my reaction was a little too unbelievable for him, and he felt that he’d challenge it. Bottom line? I never once complained to him. Not even a little.

About a month ago, I went on a date with another Italian guy (something in there tells me it’s my own damn fault for being attracted to my own “kind”, haha) who had no qualms about pointing out my “cheap” jewelry. My jewelry isn’t like, dime-store cheap. It’s all sterling silver, some has gemstones, some has CZs… but I really don’t see it as “cheap”. A $40 ring or $25 pair of earrings… It was all stuff I bought myself, or received as gifts from family members. I never considered buying my own expensive stuff.

It all got me thinking. Americans especially are very hip to the “first impression”. I never thought before that guys would take note of something like sterling silver and CZs versus white gold and diamonds, and think that a woman wearing the former was “cheap” or easy to please. I’m starting to think that’s the case, though.

I know, the economy sucks right now. People are getting laid off or fired, they’re being denied raises or promotions, and things just all around suck when it comes to money, but I made a decision, and I want you to come to this realization, too.

Yep. That’s what I’m saying. If you’re a good woman, whether you’re single, in a relationship, or even married, you deserve to have things that make you happy.

I’ve chatted with some of my blogging friends about stuff like this, and even the married ones tell me that their hubbys don’t always (or sometimes ever) buy them nice stuff. I think it’s a sin that for some reason, women are conditioned to believe that we’re only allowed to have expensive jewelry or clothing if a man buys it for us. Ladies! What are you waiting for!?

I realize that this is a lofty goal for some. If you’ve got kids, they’re clearly your first priority. If you’re going through employment issues, this is clearly not the time for you to be slinging out cash for diamonds, and I sure don’t recommend charging it.

But I want you to make it a goal for yourself. Save up and buy yourself some really nice piece of jewelry, complete with at least one diamond (and maybe your favorite gemstone). Buy it for yourself, treat it like it’s your most precious, non-human possession, and love the fact that you’ve done something for yourself that you might otherwise have waited for a man to do for you.

My goal is to buy myself something really exquisite once a year. The holidays are a great time for finding deals on jewelry and otherwise expensive clothes. (Macy’s had $450 Marc Jacobs leather coats on sale for $150 the other day, and jewelry stores are selling loads of $500 pieces for $99 this time of year!) I deserve to have nice things, to make a nice impression (ie. “No, I’m not a cheap woman, and I’m not easy to please either, dammit.”) and to feel fabulous all the time, because hey, I am!

(Images: Lara)

Post from: Blisstree

Being Fabulous Task: Buy Yourself Diamonds

Image via Wikipedia

So we finally get chatting on IM, and I learn that he works with two guys I know from the fire department. One of them is a total piece of crap, so I tell the guy that if he’s going to do any checking up on me, to NOT ask that guy. We have a mutual hateship going on, and neither of us has anything good to say about the other. The other kid, I tell him is a sweetheart and he can surely ask him anything he likes.

While we’re chatting, I decided to call up the firehouse and see if the kid’s there, and lo and behold he is. I tell him that I just met this coworker of his online and we’re chatting, and I found out about them working together, yadda yadda… can you see where this colossal dating mistake is about to lead?

Yes… stupid, too honest ME tells new guy that I talked to him. Effing DUH, right? He was all, “You already talked to him? Wow.”

Now, for what it’s worth, I was told he’s a “cool guy” and everything. But it was quite apparent to me that he wasn’t all that thrilled that as soon as I found out we had mutual acquaintances that I made a phone call. We chatted for a little bit longer before he had to go to bed, but this was on Monday. It’s now Thursday, and I’ve yet to hear another word.

Sure, maybe he’s busy, maybe he just likes to go realllllllly slow with things. Who knows? But ladies (and gents), for the love of all things on Earth, if you do some investigating of someone new, do NOT let them know about it! LOL

Hopefully he’ll realize that it was a fluke kind of thing, that I wasn’t trying to find out anything “dirty” on him or whatever, and he’ll give talking to me another shot. Hopefully he’s just been busy. You know I’ll keep y’all posted.

Post from: Blisstree

I made a colossal dating mistake. Learn from me!

Image by aaron.groh
via Flickr

How about knowing that at the time of the shooting, she was labeled his “estranged” wife?

And I thought the only dangers of casual sex were STDs and pregnancy… wowza!

Am I the only one who doesn’t really think this was an accident?

Post from: Blisstree

Quickie: Man accidentally shoots wife during sex

I think this is important, for lots of reasons. In my own life, I’ve been made keenly aware that my ex is treating his new girlfriend far better than he treated me. I like to think that it’s because he hurt me so much, and knows it, that maybe this girl will be spared. You know, that I suffered for her joy? It’s twisted, I know… because most women in my shoes might feel that it’s unfair, or that neither the ex or the new girl deserve to be happy. While I can’t say that those feelings haven’t crossed my heart, I also like to think that everyone deserves at least a chance at happiness. Whether they take it or not, or deserve it or not, depends on what they may or may not do with that chance should it come their way.

Sure, the way he treated me was undeserved, and it truly does say a lot about his capabilities for being unkind, regardless if he’s currently being unkind or not. Personally, I could never be so hurtful to another human being. So what Bonnie said is right – it’s a thread of his personality that isn’t in place in mine. I feel good knowing that. And if I sit here and let my mind go crazy with thoughts of “Why her, and not me?” then I might as well just pack it up and call it a day because no one, not even he, can explain the answer to that question with any ounce of clarity.

I know that I could sit here and be bitter, I could beat myself up for being too good to him (especially when he didn’t deserve it), for allowing him to do the damage he did to me. Or I can decide that all the bad stuff was only because of my failure to want to see the bad in anyone. I really do believe that there are people out there who are inherently kind to others, and that someday my prince will come. Meanwhile, I’m going to keep working on being the fabulous woman that I am.

In light of yesterday’s holiday of thanks, be thankful for who you are, for the experiences that have both changed you and kept you solid, and for each time you’re reminded that it’s not your fault things went wrong.

(image: Lara @ Dating Dames)

Post from: Blisstree

When He Moves On and Treats Her Better

I do believe Michelle will be putting one up as well, so be sure to check out the “Pages” section on the sidebar for all the new stuff we’re adding to the site!

Happy Thanksgiving in advance if you’re in the USA!!!

Post from: Blisstree

Lara’s Ultimate Holiday Gift Guide

Image via Wikipedia

I’m the Julia Roberts character, of course. The neurotic, crazed, pact-making female friend, who spent years pining for a guy who is about to marry another woman. Yes, he’s also totally as hot as Dermot Mulroney is, even though I’m no Julia.

I’ve spent these years in silence, mostly because it’s been several years since he and I have seen each other face to face. Last time was when he came up here from Florida to visit with his father, who lives about an hour from me. I brought him out with all my friends, he charmed them to pieces, so on, blah blah.

The thing about he and I is that we never had a romantic relationship. We never slept together. (Though he’s by far the very best kisser/make-out partner I’ve ever had in life.) But I’ve loved that man, and all his faults, since day one. We did make a pact, like in the movie, that if neither of us were married by the time I turned 30, we’d marry each other.  Of course, that deadline has since passed, and he’s now engaged to be married to someone else.

I’ve never met her, but I know him. I know why he’s doing it, and I really think it’s for too many wrong reasons. And no, the reasons do not revolve around how perfect I think he and I would’ve been together… though I know that when he and I get together, it’s like no time has passed. Yet, he’s asked me to be there for the wedding. He used nearly the same words that Dermot’s character uses in the movie, in fact… “I need you here, I can’t do this without you.”

I remember when I told him I loved him. (Yes, this relates to the movie too…) In the movie, he tells her that his fiancee says, “If you love someone, you say it. You say it out loud, because if you don’t, the moment just passes you by.”

We were at a party for one of my college friends, and he went outside to pee. I stood behind him, as he told me of this girl at work (we worked together) that he had slept with. I started to cry, but I refused to tell him why. He got concerned, of course, and said that we were leaving and were going to go talk. We did, and I didn’t want to talk. I brought him home, and he made me get out of the car. We went to the backyard, he brought me lemonade, and sat next to me.

He begged me to tell him what was wrong, and I was so nervous… I couldn’t stop crying, and he said that he wasn’t going to move from that spot, nor was I, until I told him what was wrong.

I covered my face and blurted it out. I almost yelled it out, in fact. I couldn’t look at him, but I said, “I think this is really stupid of me, because it’s going to ruin everything, but I have to tell you that I think I’m in love with you!”

He said nothing, but I felt his hands on my wrists, and he pulled them from my face. He was kneeling in front of me, and said, “Lara, that was the most beautiful, wonderful way anyone’s ever said that to me.”

I bawled some more.

He told me that even though he doesn’t feel the same, he’d never let anything as beautiful as that get between us.

Yep, I was crushed. Embarrassed. Mortified in fact, and then his frat brother friend came in to pick him up to go to some frat house party or something. He saw me crying, and Dave went into the house to put him off for a few while we tied things up. I cleared up my face, gathered my things, and straightened my outfit, and went inside after him. (Because I had to go through the house to get to the front where my car was.) I said hello to his friend and made a bee-line for the front door. He followed me out to the car.

At the car, he told me not to worry, cupped my face in his hands, and kissed me. Later he told me that his friend said, “I know this isn’t the best thing to say, but she’s really beautiful when she’s crying.” Ha! I guess that’s a compliment, I think.

Anyway, long story short, he and I continued to remain very close friends. I mean, nothing did change except for when I would throw in his face that I bared my soul to him and he disregarded it, of course. (He knew I was kidding, he often did the same. I never laughed so much as I do when I’m with him.)

I remember one time we were out together at dinner, we were feeding each other, and it just felt like we were already “there”, you know? I had to keep reminding myself that this wasn’t a romance. He told me that night, “Lara, if I don’t marry you, the girl I do marry will be just like you.”

Ugh. This chick better be nothing like me. LOL

So while I’m not going to fly down there and break into computers or embarrass her in front of her family, and I’m not going to break out with “the yucky love stuff” three days before the wedding, I think I have to go. I’ve known for so many years now that he and I weren’t going to happen the way I’d dreamed when I saw him standing in front of the mirror in a towel thinking, “I could wake up to this every day for the rest of my life and be happy.”

And despite his reasons for not wanting to be with me, I can’t hate him. I can’t even dislike him. I love him deeper than romantic love and since he once said to me that something so beautiful can never come between us, I have to reciprocate that. I’m pretty sure I’ll be on my way to Florida in a few months, and I’m going to be the best friend he’s always known. My memories are there to serve a purpose to me, to remind me what it’s like to have those crazy, messed up, psychotic feelings about loving a man. They help me remember how it feels so special and wonderful to be with a man you love, who respects you for loving him. And all this comes flooding back to me, simply because of a movie on television on a Sunday afternoon. Go figure!

Post from: Blisstree

My Best Friend’s Wedding

I’ve got the tasks lined up in the order which they were posted, but there are other posts on the topic as well, so those are listed below the task list. Check ‘em all out, and don’t forget to leave feedback!

(All links open in a new window so you won’t lose your place on this page.)

Here’s the intro post to the project: New Direction, New Focus, New Project: Being Fabulous

Being Fabulous Tasks

1. Reset Your Style
2. Buy Yourself Diamonds (This is a MUST READ!)
3. Go On A Date… With YOU!
4. Get Familiar
5. Find Your Passion
6. Try Something New
7. Make Yourself A 5 Course Meal
8. Build A Dream Board
9. … more to come.

Post from: Blisstree

Series: Being Fabulous

Image via Wikipedia

I know what you’re thinking.

“But Loreal Excellence 5G has been my perfect color! I don’t know if I could change.”
“But navy blue is my signature color. People I know would look at me like I was crazy if I bought something red.”
“But I love my long hair, and men seem to like it. If I went shorter it would make me less attractive.”

To those statements I have one thing to say…

Wait for it…

Are you ready?

SO WHAT!?

You are in the process of creating a fabulous new you. You can’t do that in your navy blue wearin’, too long hangin’, same old hair colored self!

Listen up, because what I’m about to say is really important, okay?

If you’re sitting there wallowing in the doom and gloom of being single (like I often do), you need to do something to get out of it. No one else is going to come along and miraculously change your life for you – it’s ALL up to you. Fear is what’s holding you back if you’ve made any of those statements above. Fear of change, fear of the unknown, and fear of maybe finding something better.

Fear of finding something better? Yep.

So many times we get comfortable with our lives, despite that inner, gnawing feeling that it’s not right for us. You know as well as I do that your long hair is full of split ends. You know that red is a fabulous color to wear (especially on a date), and you know that going to a salon and getting a professional stylist to help you pick out a great hair color for your skin tone is going to make a world of difference for the better. You know this. And here’s the really special part: If you do cut your hair, and hate it… it grows back. If you do wear a red dress and someone looks at you shocked… it means they’ve noticed you. If you do change that dreary old brown to a fabulous sparkly red and you think it makes your cheeks too rosy, you can change to something else a couple weeks later. You’re NOT going to fall down and die just because something you try hasn’t worked out!

So ladies, your mission… your task: Do something different to reset your style. I don’t care if it’s even changing from your standard pink nail polish to something red or peachy. Just do SOMETHING that you don’t normally do when it comes to your style.

Post about it in the comments – let us know how it makes you feel, and don’t hold back!

Post from: Blisstree

Being Fabulous Task: Reset Your Style