Autism Is Not Contagious
September 8, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
Well of course, we all know that, you think……while people cannot agree on what causes autism, autism is not something a child “catches” like the common cold. You don’t “get” autism through contact with an autistic person: We know this.
But sometimes one feels a bit otherwise, as Lisa Dowler writes today in Newsday. Dowler’s 10-year-old son, Jeffrey, is autistic and “plays baseball, loves to go bowling, and is a happy child.” Dowler describes a recent attempt to set up a play date for her son with another boy who “seemed to be very kind to my son and always acknowledged him, even around his peers.” A phone call to the other boy’s mother gives Dowler the sense that she ought not to have tried:
I gathered up my courage to call the mother, whom I didn’t know. I introduced myself and explained that my son has special needs and is in a self-contained class. I also told her that he is mainstreamed for music, art and gym, where our sons know each other. I let her know that her son seemed to have an interest in befriending Jeffrey.
The mother sounded as if I was taking up too much of her time. And she was certainly not receptive to the idea of getting our boys together.
It’s hurtful to realize that people like her are out there. It seemed as if she didn’t want her son socializing with mine because she feared that her child might “catch” Jeffrey’s disability. Autism is not contagious, nor are the other conditions that land children into special-needs classes.
The other boy’s mother did not even “want to continue our conversation and wouldn’t even take [her] phone number,” Dowler writes, noting that this is the first time she has received such a response.
My son is the same age as Dowler’s and setting up play dates—and forming friendships with children his age—indeed requires effort on both my part and very much on his. Charlie—especially this past summer, as when friends with a teenage daughter and an autistic son visited—has been interested not only in watching other children, but in being with them. I have started to think that he gets sad and anxious after people leave (like our houseguests at the beach house this summer) because he genuinely likes and even prefers their company.
When it comes to play dates, it is not only that the initial call has to be made and schedules accommodated; last year, Charlie had a “buddy” through a school program and, for the first play date, his ABA therapist and I did a lot of planning and kept things very structured. Charlie played a game and catch with the other boy, who was 11, and had a very good time. The second play date was more harried. We have two scooters; Charlie likes to ride his up and down, rather methodically. As soon as the other boy got on a scooter, he started to do wheelies off the front porch and make his scooter fly in the air (he tried to show Charlie, who tried to imitate but the actions were too fast). Charlie is a cautious rider and looked somewhat alarmed, and just as we were about to go inside the other boy’s mother drove up, called that she had to pick up another child, and off they went.
I didn’t think that the other mother had any thought of autism as being “contagious”; it was no easy feat to schedule a play date around her son’s schedule and those of her other children, not to mention working around the therapist’s schedule and her child care needs. But I can see how Dowler could think that the other mother might harbor an unconscious fear of “what might happen” if her son played one on one with Jeffrey. Autism is still called a “disease” and an “illness,” and such words lead to thoughts of contagion and infection and when a parent hears a “no,” questions and worries surface: Is the “no” because of this, or this, or that……….
I hope Dowler keeps picking up the phone to call other families. I know I will in the months to come.
I don’t know about contagious, but it is sexually transmitted. (this pg-13 moment brought to you by the Dysgenics Association of Militants, bringing autism to a neighborhood near you. )
I hate to tell you but with regard to play dates it is often the same when the children are NT. Social standing, economics, school politics all play a prominent role about with whom moms will let their their children have a play date. In the early 80’s I was an early “working mom” and coming from outside the school structure make me suspicious. I had to work those mothers like violins to get my “sons of a working heathen” a play date.
Linda, somehow what you say does not surprise me……. (alas)…..
I have come to realize in this day and age it is not the parents making the decisions, it is the children deciding who they want to play with. Many of the boys nearby decide only to play with a few select boys, and the girls are the same way. The parents shrug and act trapped at the kids’ decisions. When I was a child, the mothers determined everything– and we were ’stuck’ with all sorts of kids for better or for worse, and we had to make do with what we were given. My mother had a few friends who had kids with disabilities, and I was told I had to play with them, and that I should be compassionate. I did, and I’m glad I got to know them. I don’t think it would have happened had my mother not forced the issue. Now, I have an ASD daughter who is totally rejected by the shrugging moms because the kids don’t want to play with her. It’s sad. In fact the woman across the street will invite my daughter to her son’s birthday party year after year, and watch and allow all the boys present to tell her to go away. No one intervenes. (Needless to say, we say hi quickly and leave.) This is the climate of our neighborhood. My daughter and I have joined nature groups in the area and volunteer. She interacts with various people, but her peers have rejected her… and we don’t care anymore! I for one, would welcome an autistic person on a playdate, and use it as a learning exercise for my daughter to learn about differences. Certainly the stimming and such would not be odd! At any rate, there are other options besides being at the mercy of soccer moms!
I’m heading into this one soon….I’m Daddy to 3 wonderful little people, one of whom is diagnosed “neurotypical” (though, I doubt it); the boys are on the spectrum. My (NT-ish) daughter is four-and-a-half, and it’s extremely difficult to find time for “daddy-daughter” time, much less arranging play dates. I think I waswhat pained me most about Dowler’s comments was the other mother’s unwillingness to even take a phone number. In short, to not even pretend (as NT-moms are supposed to do) that there’s even a chance of a play date. We live in southern Maine, and are fortunate enough to know others w/ASD kids; though, they (like us) have little to no time for get-togethers. We’re also fortunate to know non-ASD impacted families who don’t seem to notice or care that our “naughty-auti” and “sassy-aspie” are on a tear. Bless Coleridge! He identified the “willing suspension of disbelief.” The hallmark of a good friend!
I couldn’t agree more with Linda’s comments and some of B’s. Social standing, especially, does have a lot to do with whom some parents let their children play with. I think you’d find the same attitudes to varying degrees in societies all over the world.
At primary school, my Aspie son was less rejected and isolated than some poorer NT children and the handful placed there by court order. True, some parents were unhappy about their kids playing with him and made sure he was never invited to birthday parties (though 1 brave mom did) but a couple of them did befriend him and me – at the school gates and in the school yard. Invitations to play dates and sleepovers didn’t happen, but I was more than grateful to the parents who allowed their kids to play with “that crazy little boy” during recess.
As for children preferring to choose their friends, I’d say that’s human and has always happened. Childhood can be a cruel time for misfits of whatever stripe. I do indeed feel strongly that parents should teach their children to be compassionate and accepting of differences and I try do so by leading by example. My mom did, with missionary zeal, and I thank her for it.
However, if children are compelled to to socialize with the “less fortunate” although the only things they have in common are the same age and attending the same school, that could be counterproductive. After all, do we adults go out willingly and cheerfully with workmates with whom we share no common interest? That shouldn’t stop us from being respectful to them, though.