Comments on: Autism Sibling

By: Brothers and Sisters

Brothers and Sisters — Mon, 31 Dec 2007 05:08:09 +0000

[...] siblings of autistic children—like that by novelist Karen Olsson about a young woman named Tarah Perry in the February New York Times Magazine, and in the December 24th Time magazine—lead me [...]

By: Kristina Chew, PhD

Kristina Chew, PhD — Mon, 12 Mar 2007 01:07:38 +0000

Your NT son and Charlie are just the same age—-that’s a lot to balance in a family. I know it would be a great thing for Charlie to have a sibling and yet I also recognize that would mean, well, a lot more. Not having a sibling means that we have to reach out and look for kids for him to spend time with—-not a bad thing to do, either. Yes, peace.

By: Laura Cottington

Laura Cottington — Sun, 11 Mar 2007 19:40:33 +0000

I did not read the link Kristina put in for NY Times, but take her complete word for it ( I choose not to read it (The NY Times) for other reasons . I can say that growing up NT (although many would argue that, Ha!) with an NT sibling, I would agree with Shannon that there are many similiarities to both situations. However, too, having an NT older son and an autistic younger son, I have witnessed their world colliding in too many ways. My NT son wants so badly to be a part of his brothers world, and has learned to do everything his brothers way in order to gain those connections whenever they are offered him. He lives for moments together with his brother. Unfortunately, those times with his brother Sam are few and far between. Yes, NT siblings are innately protective of their siblings and should be, but so am I. Unfortunately, my NT son has lost friends because of my decision to not allow some of his friends back to our home because of how disrespectful they were to his autistic brother. My NT son understands that their behavior was cruel and not acceptable, but then he has to deal with them at school making fun of his brother, and then he feels the brunt of it when he is invtited to less things because he has become so picky about choosing respectful children to be friends with. While we are proud to raise a child who respects diversity among people and who tries to take the high road when others ridicule him, it seems a lot to ask of a 9 1/2 year old sometimes. He is in his 3rd year of Sibshop classes. He loves them, he learns to most importantly be an advocate for his brother and others, but he also learns how to respect everyone in this world more deeper. I don’t care what the research ever says about these types of supports, we all need support sometimes, NT or not. Peace.

By: Kristina Chew, PhD

Kristina Chew, PhD — Tue, 20 Feb 2007 01:19:39 +0000

From Blogging Baby:

We're seeing a new psychologist, one who specializes in family therapy; she will see both of my sons for play therapy. We liked her right off the bat because she was as concerned about Charlie as she was about Henry, and because she sees our family as one unit, not as separate components. I have high hope for both my sons, but I know it won't be easy, for either of them. [my emphasis added]

By: Shannon

Shannon — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 21:26:47 +0000

Kristina, I have no doubt that is the case (re: siblings influencing one’s career choice). My 4 1/2 year old son (NT) is very intuitive and sensitive to people’s non-verbal expressions of emotion. (His preschool teacher thinks he will become a motivational speaker – too funny!) Part of me wonders if this side of him has been shaped by his minimally-verbal little (autistic) sister. He IS always telling me what she is thinking… (”no mommy, she wants juice, not milk!” Typically bossy older brother! )
Right now, in this little slice of time, brother and sister are in perfect harmony. She cries, he comforts. He wants to rough-house or run around, she is ALWAYS willing (Lola is a wild child)! And there are moments of real, interactive play (a loose game of tag or ring-around-the-rosie) that make my heart sing. Even the fights are good – one of Lola’s earliest words was “SHARE!” which she would holler whenever he had a toy she wanted – because that’s what having a sibling is all about.
Big brother is only minimally curious about why Lola doesn’t talk much, probably because she is still so young (almost 3). I have tried to answer him by reminding him of the words Lola does have and by pointing out her other ways of communicating. For example, one of my favorite things she does is to rub our ears. (This is for comfort, when she is very sleepy or upset. My son used to stick his hand up my sleeve and fidget about, too, when he was sleepy. I have very touchy-feely kids! Of course, her psychologist loved to call her ear-rubbing a “stim” … wonder what they would call brother’s scritchy-scratch deal or my own pacing the floor…) When she would rub big brother’s ears (which he didn’t exactly enjoy) I would tell him it meant she loved him, because she only does that to those in her “inner circle.” I think it really sunk in, because my son now loves to notice the various ways Lola expresses her love for him. “Mommy, she’s hugging me!” “Mommy, she’s holding my hand!” sigh Love, love, love those kids of mine …

By: Kristina Chew, PhD

Kristina Chew, PhD — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 18:19:55 +0000

Shannon, these are really valuable insights. It’s not an entirely easy to sort out what is any sibling’s relations and what is different, or more difficult, with an autistic. A number of young women I have taught in college classes have told me they want to major in education or speech therapy or nursing because they have a sibling or cousin (often a younger brother) who has a learning disability or, indeed, autism.

By: Shannon

Shannon — Mon, 19 Feb 2007 16:58:17 +0000

In reading the article and comments, one recurring thought came to mind; ALL siblings (especially older ones) are simultaneously protective of their siblings, mean to their siblings, and annoyed/embarrassed by their siblings. And EVERY teenager is mortified by their family members’ mere presence – they want their parents and siblings to blend into the woodwork and do nothing to draw attention to themselves – and have no problem telling those family members to get lost. And luckily, all siblings eventually outgrow those feelings of embarrassment (even the NYT article acknowledged this).
The biggest difference I see between the sibs of NT kids and sibs of autistic kids is the world around us. Siblings of autistic kids are MORE protective, because the world can be so judgmental and cruel to anyone different. And siblings of autistic kids are MORE embarrassed by their siblings for the same “judgmental world” reason. But unlike siblings of NT kids, these siblings actually feel guilty for their embarrassment/mistreatment of their autistic brothers and sisters! (Something I don’t think occurred to my big sister until she was in her 20’s or so!;) ) Therapy is a good way to resolve issues with guilt, so I guess Sibshop is probably doing a good thing.

By: Kristina Chew, PhD

Kristina Chew, PhD — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 22:50:52 +0000

The NYTimes article goes into a fair amount of detail about Sibshop and about research being done about siblings via a behaviorist at the Douglass Developmental Center of Rutgers University, NJ. Regarding independence: How independent does anyone become, “NT” or not…….. The NYTimes article mentioned at the end how Jason and Justin Perry feel annoyed at their sister, Tarah, because she’s becoming a teenager.

By: Julia

Julia — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 20:57:42 +0000

We have kids. I don’t know how much support each of them will need as an adult, but my main goal in raising them is for everyone to reach adulthood without resenting anyone else in the family. I figure if we get that far, then anyone needing support or advocacy will probably have a sibling to help with that.

(They all have autism diagnoses of varying degrees of “severity”, whatever that means. But I think that one of them will be able to advocate for either of the others if it comes down to that. Really hard to tell when he’s 3, though!)

By: Kristina Chew, PhD

Kristina Chew, PhD — Sun, 18 Feb 2007 19:03:26 +0000

I’ve sensed that some relatives are more than uncomfortable when I’ve mentioned about autism being genetic—-I suspect because they are afraid their children will have a child “like Charlie” (when rather they should be so lucky).