Battered Woman, Do Not Stay
May 24, 2007 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
Did everyone see Oprah yesterday? About the battered women and what staying in this type of situation does to their children?
I know this column will reach a battered woman, because according to the US Justice Department, 30 percent of women are beaten by a significant other at one time or another.
This is an issue very close to my heart as I was a battered girlfriend for two years, between 14 and 16-years-old, so I actually know why these women stay. I also know how much courage it took to leave.
In college, when a boyfriend started getting abusive I left quickly. But then he stalked me for months and finally the police were going to put him away for two years. I begged them not to. I knew the last thing I needed was for that man to plot my murder for two years. The state required him to leave the state immediately and not allow him to return for two years to avoid prison.
The key, of both yesterday’s Oprah and my personal experience, was said very clearly by the battered woman’s son who witnessed everything.
DO NOT STAY!
Many women stay because of their children. I can understand the thinking behind this. You don’t want your children to come from a broken home. You don’t want to put them through a divorce. You don’t want the stigma.
You are so confused that you think he will change. That if you do enough things right, he will stop his abusive behavior. You believe him when he says “You make me hit you, if you had cleaned the house like you were supposed to then I wouldn’t have to hit you.”
You believe him because you want to believe you can somehow make him stop by being exactly what he wants you to be. You believe him because this is logic you use on your kids and you are telling the truth, “If you cleaned your room yesterday you wouldn’t be grounded.” You want him to be telling the truth, but he’s not.
You believe, in your heart, that you deserve abuse because you are a terrible person. You are a whore, a slut, a horrible mother, a bad cook, a terrible housekeeper, stupid, idiotic, moronic. Whatever names he chooses to call you. The worst my ex-boyfriend would call me was “used-meat.” After all, who wants a girl who’s not a virgin anymore? You have been listening to his berating of your self for so long that you believe every word of it is true. That’s why you stay. You stay because you think no one else would want you and you’re not strong enough to stand on your own. This is emotional terrorism and every word he says is untrue.
To get out you need to repeat to yourself all the good and wonderful and true qualities about you over and over and over until you believe them enough to go. You need to quietly work your self-worth up through praise of yourself until you no longer believe his lies about you.
Battered women, I know it’s hard to feel that you are worth leaving him for. But, it’s not as hard to feel that your children are worth leaving for. And they are. I never regretted getting my self back and I did not miss that terrible relationship. You won’t either.
The last bit of advice is not to leave without an escape plan. I left without a plan twice. Frankly, it was scary. Both times the man stalked me, attacked me in public, stole my mail, called my job so many times I got fired, harassed my friends, broke into my house, etc.
This is the link to Oprah’s resources about how to make an escape plan. Great advice can be found on the National Domestic Violence Hotline as well.
You are strong enough to make it on your own.
You are good enough to find someone else.
You are smart enough to find your way out of this.
You are a wonderful person who deserves to be free of abuse.
Special note to conservative Christian women: There is a book circulating currently, I won’t mention the name or author as I don’t want to give it publicity. You know the book if you are in the type of church where Paul’s words in Corinthians are used to make you “submit to your husband.” For you, it will be twice as hard to leave because you won’t have the support of your church. The book tells you to stay and just pray that he will change. I believe this is unequivocally religiously and morally wrong. Jesus did not come to keep women oppressed. I know how hard it is to argue the religious point so I will recommend a book with a different perspective on what Paul said in Corinthians, Who Said Women Can’t Teach? It’s biblically researched, more so than that one book that tells you to submit to abuse. When you leave your abuser, you may have to decide that you are worth finding a more supportive church that doesn’t believe you deserve to get beaten.
I wish I had left when I only worried about the impact of divorce on my child, now I must worry about the impact of an absent jailed father on my 7 yr. old and that stigma accompanying the divorce.
I wish I had the courage to leave without calling the police, now my husband, who I will divorce, must face twice the indignity. Am I still worrying about him or my child, or fearful of his anger at the restraining order, being jailed and an upcoming trial for a second offense. Don’t wait for the second time to come…..leave.
Kiki,
Calling the police was the right thing to do. I know one man who admits to beating his wife. He said he thought he had the right to do it until they put him in jail for it.
Plus, when you put him in jail, perhaps you have saved his next wife or girlfriend from being beaten herself.
I think it is normal for you to be worried about his indiginty because for a long time his feelings have ruled your life completely.
You MUST understand that you can not control his feelings or reaction.
What you can control is your own action. Do not go back Kiki. I promise you that things will not change, that things will not be different, that things will not get better. The same man who admits to not beating his wife anymore continues to belittle her, call her names and batter her self esteem and control her in every way. The only lesson he learned is that the cops get involved if he hits her. He still treats her terribly.
Frankly, she has told me that she wishes it were still the hitting because the verbal and emotional abuse is just as painful and devasting to her, but no one is stepping in to stop it.
Be proud of the lesson you have taught your child.
If your child is a girl, the lesson, had you stayed, would have been, “Let men treat you however they want.”
If your child is a boy, the lesson would have been, “It’s okay to hit your wife or girlfriend to get your way.”
Thus, the cycle continues generation after generation.
Kiki, you did the right thing. You deserve better. I hope you are in a safe place. As there has already been a second offense, I would recommend hiding in a safe house for a while. There are kind and good people there who have lots of experience in this and can walk you and your 7 year old through it.
My prayers are with you.
You are whole.
You are complete.
You are perfect exactly the way you are.
You deserve a new life.
Tracee
My story seems a little different than what I’ve encountered on websites while researching emotional abuse. Firstly, he was wonderful during the courting period. He always told me how beautiful, smart, etc that I was. There weren’t any signs. A week after we got married he started to show his true colors and I was already pregnant (and already had a son by a previous abuser). He is mostly emotionally abusive, but he has been physically abuse to me in the past and went to jail for domestic violence. He was court ordered to go to DV classes, but said they would all just sit around and talk about how it was always the woman’s fault. He has threatened to kill me many times but the police say that is just hearsay. They say they never believe me when they show up because he is always calm and I’m always upset. He’s very good at becoming ’suddenly’ calm and leaving me to look like I’m crazy. I have called women’s shelters and they always say they are so booked that me and my 5 kids could stay for 1-3 days but that’s it. Then what am I supposed to do??? Cause my children to be homeless and punish them even more and make it easy for my husband to take the kids away from me? There really isn’t very much community help out there, and it’s really needed. I have been enduring this for 12 years and still don’t know what to do. One time I called the police because he was being severely abusive to my oldest son (who’s not his) and when they came out they just said they need to learn how to get along; even after I told them he shoved my son on the floor and was screaming obscenities at him, and that it is a frequent occurrence. So, it doesn’t surprise me when I hear in this day and age that it’s still a man’s world, and that women still only earn about 70-75% of what a man earns for the same job and credentials. What can we do about this???????
Mom in Colorado,
You need to file for divorce that’s what. The police can not stop him from abusing you if you choose to continue staying married to him. He’s been arrested and court ordered to take domestic violence classes. Every time they came out they made a report about it. Those are all records that you can present in court as evidence that he is not a good custodial parent.
You’ve been married to him for 12 years, in some states, I’m not sure about Colorado, that means you split the assetts whether you worked or not. Plus, he will be required to pay child support.
You are suffering from a sort of Stockholm Syndrome. He has you believing you have no place to go and that’s just not a reality in today’s world. You CAN get a job, you CAN be on your own.
Go see a divorce lawyer. They offer free consultations. Have him file a protection order that allows YOU and the kids to stay in the home, but forces him to leave. Sue for custody, half of everything and child support. If you have to, go stay with your mother or close friend for a few weeks until Psycho-Hubby stops losing his mind over the divorce papers.
Just stop getting back together with this man. Your children are defining “love” by this relationship that is obviously sick and distorted. You’re playing a part by staying with him and going back to him even after he’s been arrested. You deserve better than this. Most certainly your children deserve better than this. Be their advocate. Be strong enough to leave and never look back!
Peace be with you, you can do it!
Tracee