Beware of Testicle-Strangling Swim Wear

I swear I am not making this up. But I had to share this warning because, well, for one, it’s that time of year when I’m buying Truman clothes and swimsuits for the warmer weather…and, this is just about the freakiest thing I had ever heard. And apparently it’s not that uncommon. If you have a son – or husband – you’ll want to heed this warning if for no other reason than to preserve future generations.

For the record, these Old Navy/Gap Neon Music Print Trunks were not the shorts worn by the victim

Last summer while vacationing in Florida, my son decided to shove a soy nut up his nose. It was one of the many inappropriate things my son had crammed up his nose or in his mouth over the years. Since we were out of town the nurse advised us to head to the emergency room just to be sure the nut got out and didn’t fester inside his nasal cavity. So we packed up and drove 30 minutes to perhaps the most luxurious emergency room I had ever seen – a far cry from the over-crowded, depressing emergency room in my town where uninsured families cue up for rounds of antibiotics to cure common ailments.

When we arrived, Truman was asleep in my arms. We took a seat in the corner, near a woman who was sitting alone. She smiled at us, then asked, “Is your little boy sick?”

“Well, no. He just shoved a soy nut up his nose,” I said. “Our doctor’s office told us to bring him here. It’s more embarrassing than anything else.”

The woman shook her head. “You want to hear embarrassing?” she said. “Let me tell you why I’m here.” The woman said she was at the beach with some friends from Kentucky. It was her friend’s kids’ first time to see the beach. One of the boys had forgotten his swimsuit, so she had offered to let her friend’s son use her son’s swimsuit. The boys played on the beach all day, and as dusk began to gather, the families rounded up their kids to come inside and get ready for dinner. Her friend’s 8-year-old boy went into the bathroom and wouldn’t come out and wouldn’t come out and wouldn’t come out. When his mother finally talked her way into the bathroom and investigated, she was mortified. The young boy’s testicles had squeezed through a tiny hole in the swimsuit’s mesh lining and mushroomed out the other side. The boy was trapped, and needless to say, in pain.

I gasped, and then turned to my husband, who had curled into fetal position. “I know. Freaky,” the woman said. The she left us to check on the boy and his mother, who were waiting in one of the examining rooms behind double doors. I was having a hard time envisioning how this could happen, but my husband, still folded up like a leather wallet, couldn’t explain. The woman returned to her seat next to us and filled us in. “They have to cut it off,” she said. My husband whimpered. “The swimsuit. They have to cut it off.” And as if on cue, screams rolled down the hallway. “No! Please! Don’t do it! No! Don’t!”

And suddenly, the screams stopped. A nurse appeared at the double doors and called my son’s name. He roused as we said our goodbyes and good lucks to the lady next to us and followed the nurse down the hall to an examining room. As the nurse checked my son’s vitals, we questioned him about the swimsuit incident. “We see it here from time to time,” he said. “You really have to be careful.” The finer the weave on the swimsuit linings, he said, the better.

Incidentally, the minute the nurse left the examining room, my son had a sneezing fit and out popped the soy nut. After a quick once-over by the attending physician Truman was given a clean bill of health. Still, I cannot help but wonder what became of that other little boy, if he ever got up the nerve to slide on a swimsuit again. I just hope my son never has to experience that kind of pain!

(photo, Old Navy/Gap)

JWJourney