Breaking Bad Habits: Comparing Yourself to Others

Image by Grant MacDonald
via FlickrI’m a huge, number one, ginormous fan of Leo Babuta’s Zen Habits blog. I love everything that comes pouring out of that man’s fingers.

My last post, Miscellaneous ramblings of a frustrated heart, had me on the verge of worrying about comparing myself. I have the habit of doing this a lot, in fact. I’m not necessarily comparing myself to any specific individual or anything, but more so that I’m comparing myself to what I want to be, who I want to be, and why I’m not there yet.

Leo’s got a post called Life’s Enough: Stop Comparing Yourself to Others that really hit me. It’s not about love or relationships, or in my case, comparing yourself specifically to your ex’s new girlfriend, but I thought the idea fitting enough to take it apart and apply it to that.

So without further ado, here’s Leo’s checklist points, with my thoughts added.

• Awareness. Don’t deny that you have thoughts of comparing yourself to others. It often happens in your subconscious, so bring these negative thoughts to the forefront so you can attack them and deal with them properly. I’ve been denying that I’m judging myself up against an oncology nurse with her own apartment but I am. I tend to feel like she’s better than me in that respect, and while she may make more money than I do right now, and she has an apartment, there are other goals in life she doesn’t have yet too.
• Stop yourself. This one’s the hardest to put into play for most people. The fact is that the world is full of people who ARE better than us at certain things (managing money, perhaps?) and people who are worse at other things (like maybe cooking a meal fit for a king?) so when you start feeling inadequate for whatever reason, you need to gently stop yourself and remind your brain that you need to stop, and focus on YOU.
• Count your blessings. No one on Earth is totally “alone” unless they want to be. We all have family and friends, even co-workers who care about us. Some of us are lucky enough to have children. Some of us have pets we adore (I happen to have two). My parents are my rocks, my friends are the beams on my bridges. I’m safe and warm, and I’ve got a loving support system to carry me through life.
• Focus on your strengths. With the utmost sincerity, and lack of bragging, I know that I’m smart, funny, dedicated, and loyal. I’m a great cook. I’ve got a huge heart that’s open and willing to accept love, and give love in return (surprising how many people don’t have even that). I’m driven, and I own a business where I work from home. I’m not judgmental or apprehensive of others, and I choose to accept people for how they treat me, not based on their past or on their mistakes. Sure, some of these things come out of comparing myself – but they’re the good things about me that others (like my ex) don’t have.
• Be OK with imperfection. You’re never going to be perfect. No one is. Everyone has faults, places they lack in life, and that’s okay. The only thing that matters is to keep striving for “better than yesterday”. You’ll never get to 100% across the board, and that’s “perfectly” okay. My “better than yesterday” file is full of things I’m trying to do, and it’s fun to challenge myself sometimes. It also takes the focus off of others, and puts it right where it belongs, right where sometimes I’ve let it go, back on me.
• Don’t knock others down. I’m not the kind to do this, mainly because I spent the majority of my youth being knocked down by others. I’m the kind to reach out to help those who need it, to support those without it, and to make others feel good about themselves. Yes, it’s time I do that for me too, but the idea here is that old “bully syndrome” never works, because Karma’s a bitch. Sometimes that’s all I’ve had to hang on to, to get over those who bullied or hurt me.
• Focus on the journey. Just because we’re not perfect is precisely why we need to focus on the journey. In terms of love, no matter what, any failed relationship can see blame from both sides. He cheated on you, but you let it go too long when you knew early on, out of fear and shame. He smothered you, but you failed to set boundaries and show yourself to him early on in the relationship. There’s something we can learn from all our past relationships if only we sit down and think objectively. Those things are there to help us grow, learn, and create a more beautiful experience next time. They’re there to help us make ourselves better. Take the time to enjoy your own growth in love and loving yourself.
• Learn to love enough. There are basic human needs. Food, shelter, water, and to get to the emotions, love. That’s “enough”. Anything else, above and beyond, is a bonus. No matter how much money you have, how many cars or toys or gadgets, there will always be more out there you could have, but it’s more than you need. Learning to love and cherish what you do have is important because it keeps you grounded. To take a twist on this: Learn to love OTHERS enough, in that you should never stop giving your love, no matter how much or little you get in return. It’s not about getting “more” love, it’s about getting the love you need to be happy. If you shut off the faucet, you’ll never get the pool.

So there you have it… my self-indulgent pick me up post. I’m working on it… just sometimes I let those negative, comparative thoughts get in my way. I’m learning to stop that and to continue to grow as a person so that when I do find a man who appreciates it, I’ll know it’s well deserved.