Can You Be Friends With An Ex?

Do you think it’s possible to be friends with an ex?  I’ve been giving this idea some thought lately. I’ve come to the conclusion that it depends on the ex. Other factors contribute including what sort of relationship it was, how it ended, if there are unresolved feelings.

I have been divorced for almost 17 years. It’s been 12 years since there was any sort of unresolved anything between my ex-husband and myself. That is a lot of years. In that time our kids have grown and we’ve reached middle age. In that time he remarried, had two more kids, and is now getting a divorce. Shouldn’t all that time and life experience allow us to be friends? 

Apparently not, because I tried to contact him the other day to discuss an issue with our oldest daughter – the first time I’ve ever reached out to him – and he ignored my attempt. Why? The only answer I can come up with is that he has no interest in becoming friends. I’m frustrated, because I feel he has insight that could really help our daughter, but I also feel sad for him. He’s going through a tough time and I’m a pretty good listener, a good friend.

If you’d like to reconnect with an ex, if you’d like to build a friendship, here are a few things to consider:

*If your relationship was casual, rather than serious, it will probably be easier to connect on a friendship level.  If it was a casual relationship, then there is probably very little resentment and resentment is one of the things that makes friendship with an ex so challenging.

*How did you end? Was it on a bad note?  Was it mutual? Was there cheating involved? If this person was a bad boyfriend/girlfriend, then they will probably not make a very good friend. 

*Is this person someone you want to be friends with or are you actually trying to rekindle something else? If you are looking to rekindle, be careful.

*What do expect from a friendship with this person?  In the case of my ex-husband, I was hoping he’d finally help parent our child, I was hoping we could support each other in the parenting. In the case of another ex, I wanted to be friends-friends. I missed him. He was a sweet, funy boy and I respected that he had grown into a good man. Who wouldn’t want a person like that as a friend?

Image credit: Sxc.hu