Can You Change For Your Partner?

Sometimes you find yourself in a relationship that is thisclose to being perfect…but there is just one little thing that you want your partner to change about themselves.  The question of change is a BIG one in relationships.  Are you waiting for someone to change?  Are you staying together because you assume they will change?  Are you trying to change for someone else?

If you are in a relationship where you have asked someone to change something significant about their behavior or personality for you, then you know how difficult it is to move forward after this has occurred.  I’m not talking about asking your boyfriend to start putting the seat down after he uses the bathroom or to help wash the dishes.  I’m talking about serious issues like asking your boyfriend to quit smoking or to stop taking his frustrations out on you.  Bringing up these issues creates an extreme amount of tension in your relationship as you each deal with sensitivity to the issue and a struggle against what feels natural.

If you are dealing with a request for change directed at one specific side in your relationship, then the most important question you need to answer is:  Does this person want to change on their own or are they changing just for me?

Everyone says “People don’t change” but I am an optimist and I don’t believe this is true.  I know that people can change.  If you believe in yourself and have the desire to be the best person that you can be by being good to the people around you and being good to yourself, then change is definitely possible.  You have the power to control yourself and be who you want to be.  On the opposite end, if you don’t believe that you need to change and you are just trying to adapt yourself to become what someone else desires, then change may not be necessary or possible.

If you have been asked to change by your partner but you don’t believe that you need to change, then you need to take mature steps to analyze the situation and respond appropriately.  Pull yourself out of the situation and address the larger issue.  Does the request for change fit into your values and morals?  Does it make you feel like a better person?  Or does it require you to abandon something that is an important and positive part of yourself?  Think about why it would be so important to your partner and then why they might think it would be important to you.

If your partner says “Quit smoking” but you don’t want to quit smoking on your own, then change will probably not occur even if you want to please your partner.  If your partner says “Quit smoking” and it makes you think about why you smoke and then you realize that you would like to start living a healthy and smoke-free life, then change will occur.

Asking someone to change or being asked to change can go two very different ways.  It can push you apart or it can be a wonderful start to really bringing you closer together.  Just remember to deal with the issue in a mature manner where you try to avoid being defensive or hyper-sensitive to issues that could have an important effect on your relationship.

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