Cheater, Cheater . . .
June 20, 2007 by Tracee Sioux
Filed under Parenting
I went to Houston kid-free for the weekend. Impromptu. Fun.
Totally cheated. Bought Cigarettes. Nasty. Smoked through the nasty. There was drinking involved. I went to a club, drank and smoked and it was really fun.
Plus, I left the Chantix at home on accident. Left the whole stupid suitcase at home, Chantix was in it. Craved, but only after I opened that door with a cigarette I think. Drinking is a trigger for me. Being away from my kids is a trigger for me. Feels a lot like freedom. But, not having to smoke is the real freedom.
Bad non-smoker. Lapse is not the same as a relapse, right? But, back on the Chantix. I am still a non-smoker who had a weekend cheat. No one has to ever know. Well, at least not my 5-year-old, who isn’t an avid reader of this blog yet.
Based on the few times I was successfully all quit and had one anyway, it all depends on what you do from here. You’re still a non-smoker if you still want to be and are right back to doing your non-smoking thing, and in the grand scheme of reasons you quit, that’s what matters. The last time I quit but started again, it was for very similar reasons. I knew I’d have some time to myself to relax, have some drinks and pretty much do whatever I wanted guilt free – so I bought a pack, and promised myself it would be my last. It wasn’t. Same story on a Reno trip for similar reasons again. But still, it would have been easier to resume non-smoking right then rather than wait for the full addiction to take hold if I’d have still wanted to be a non-smoker. You do.
Thanks Maggie. I really do want to not be chained to smoking. But, really deep down I probably want to do it on special occassions. But, that really does open myself up for the whole addiction. Do you think I have to take it or leave it? Like there is no room for cheating ever?
Tracee
Here’s the thing – and I know this isn’t doctor recommended or anyone else recommended probably, but… – just for me, previously at 9 months into not smoking, an old friend was visiting, and I had a few of his cigarettes. I didn’t plan it. I didn’t buy a pack. I enjoyed it, but I didn’t like the taste and smell afterward, and so I went right back to not smoking as if it never happened, and it was fine just that one time. Now, obviously, I started up again somewhere between then and now, so take my words with a grain of salt, but it was many months (or longer) after that encounter, so I don’t really think starting again was in any way related to that event (I know my reasons well for starting again, and that wasn’t it). Another time, bumming one nasty brand of cigarette that I hate from someone when I couldn’t stand the craving actually did the trick because it was so gross. It’s a risky strategy, I think, but I guess I got lucky that time. With the Chantix, hopefully I won’t get desperate enough to risk it because I don’t know how much more luck I have in me
It’s different for each person to some degree depending on which triggers, I think, but just for me and not a concept or plan I’d recommend to anyone:
I might, at some point again in my life (not in the near future), take another puff of a cigarette obtained/bummed from *someone else* and will probably even be OK, but I am pretty sure that, again, just for me, my trouble will start and risk of becoming a smoker again will increase to about 95% the moment A. I plan it, or B. buy my own pack, or C. do it because I have that “me time” attitude that I get and can’t really explain other than feeling like I “deserve” to smoke. I know this about me based on past experience, so the previous quits weren’t completely useless.
That was the long answer
The short answer as to whether it’s all or nothing forever for you is that I don’t know, but for now it’s probably best for all of us relatively new non-smokers to just take it One Day at a Time anyway and avoid smoking as if it means certain death, or in your case, a certain sad look from your little one. It’s brought you this far, right. Keep going!
Maggie,
You hit the nail on the head with the “me-time” and “deserving” to smoke. Really, I need to change my idea of me-time, because really smoking might kill ME. Do I “deserve” illness and death? It’s warped in my head is the deal. I reward myself with self-destructive behavior.
But, then it was only a weekend. It was fun. I’m not smoking now. No harm done? I hope. Thanks for commenting Maggie.
Tracee
Hi Tracee, I don’t want to sound too hardcore anti-smoking because I’m not. I smoked for 25 years + and I know what it’s like to have cravings. I also understand what you’re saying about “me time” & “I deserve one” blah, blah! But I am using Chantix and I have 74 days of freedom and experience in staying smoke free. My suggestion is simply make a quality decision to yourself in the mirror and either quit and be a non-smoker or play silly games and flirt with cigarettes and don’t quit. Black & white. Truth or lies. Life or death! It’s up to you and I hope you can stay with the Chantix and get cancer sticks out of your life forever. BTW…if you ever think “I deserve one” again just realize what you’re saying. I must punish myself is what it really ends up being. Love yourself enough to let it go and embrace your new found FREEDOM form that slavery of nicotine! Okay?
Mike d74 & looking for more!!!!!!
I just got a prescrition for Chantix. I am a happy smoker and I don’t know if I
I just got a prescrition for Chantix. I am a happy smoker and I don’t know if I can quit. I truly enjoy it. But, the price of cigarettes is making part of me want to quit for the 1st time in 30 years. I am going to give it 110%. I am working on my “plan” now. I was happy to hear there were so many people that didn’t really hate smoking…..but quit. Wish me luck.