Christian Domestic Discipline…Love or Violence?
October 20, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
I have heard snippets here and there around the internet of CDD or Christian Domestic Discipline. I have been researching it a bit because I am just that concerned about being very accurate in my writing. While some of you may know what it is, some of you may not so here is a quick definition as I understand it…
Christian Domestic Discipline is the administration of consensual spankings (of the wife) in marriage and are not necessarily sexual in nature. The husband may choose to spank the wife if she is disobedient in some way, but the wife does not spank the husband. Because it is consensual it is not considered by the practitioners to be domestic abuse and they believe it is Biblical and part of a healthy, loving relationship.
Now, before we get in to this too far, let me say that I do believe in wives being submitted to their husband. … Here, Marc is the final authority on the decisions. It works for us. Spanking? Uh, no. No thanks.
The CDD people use the following scriptures to back up their views:
- Ephesians 5:22
- Colossians 3:18
- 1 Peter 3:1
- Hebrew 13:17
Now, the Bible does say in those that women are to be subject to their husbands but in all of the study I have done I have not seen the Bible recommend spanking of wives.
Basically, if we were practicing CDD Marc could choose to spank me if I did something that broke an agreed upon rule of the house. It would be up to us if sexual contact followed that spanking and how we handled matters of privacy within the home… ie: would the children witness the spanking.
Although CDD sites say that Christian Domestic Discipline is not sexual in intent I am skeptical. Alot of people get off on spankings. Personally, if Marc spanked me I am pretty sure he would need stitches afterward…I am one of those feisty types that not many men can handle.
Maybe I need a spanking?
So. Thoughts? Do you practice Christian Domestic Discipline? Pros? Cons? Do you think it is a nice, religious term for domestic violence or light bdsm?
image: marye audet
Nice post. There is a tendency to judge the people in CDD but we are entitled to judge acts for our own and others safety as we want to take the correct path. I think a lot of it is in the makeup of the couple. My wife isn’t that way. If she was I would probably enjoy doing it but I am not sure about discipline. Anyway it is irrelevant as she is never going to be that way. Please don’t call her vanilla as she is a brilliant, beautiful loving caring wife.
Raymond
There are many couples who incorporate this into their marriage, but as discipline you are entering another world that will affect the marriage relationship, a kind of powerplay. I stop at actual discipline as I felt I would be opening the door to something not healthy.
Blondie
Thanks for commenting, y’all. I am not commenting back because I don;t have anything new to say, but don;t let that stop you!
Doesn’t it hurt when a husband spanks you? How do you handle it? Can you hold his hand whle he does it?
I will NOT submit to my husband at all! We are both equals in our marriage. In fact, if anything, he asks my thoughts 1st and even permission sometimes even though I don’t tell him too. Basically, he spoils me. I get everything I want from him. And in our arguments, I yell but he would never raise his voice at me. I’m working on my temper now.
He told me that I could beat he crap out of him before he EVER laid a hand on me. Now, that’s a TRUE MAN. One who loves his wife and would rather harm himself than EVER harm her in anyway!
I don’t believe a woman has to submit to her husband, unless she wants to. If she doesn’t she won’t go to Hell for not doing it. I think its a mutual respect thing. You submit to each other actually.
I hurt my knee at work the other day, bad. My husband was worried and he asked me if I would go. I told him no, I didn’t want to go. He told me it was ok, that he would never force me to go. Even if I broke my bone, it would be MY choice. I mean I’ve gone to the doc and I’m terrified of needles and if my husband is with me, him knowing I hate needles, will tell them they are no taking blood from me and will take me home. It’s all MY choice. He hates to see me unhappy and in pain.
If he ever tried to make me do anything I don’t want to do, then our marriage is over. Just like I would never make him do anything he doesn’t want to do.
And as far as physically punishing our kids, that WILL NEVER happen. We don’t believe in hitting kids for ANY REASON. We have a 3 month old son right now. And when he gets older, we will use other forms of punishment, but NEVER EVER hit him, not a spanking or not even a small slap on the butt or hand for ANY REASON. ITS JUST WRONG.
And I hope any parents who hit their kids when their kids get older, they hit them back. I did. My mom hit me once. Never again. I hit her right back. And now my mom and I have a very close relationship. She’s my best friend. I’m 26 yrs old. And we both respect each other now. She admitted what she did was wrong. But it was how she was raised.
Anyway, just my views on this whole thing. If that’s what people want to do let their husbands spank them, that’s their business. I just wouldn’t take it. And I’d hit back.
But luckily I have a husband that would never do it anyway, even if I did ask him.
Nicole, I respect that you disagree with a domestic discipline lifestyle. That is obviously your right. I won’t even discuss the discipline of children, because that isn’t what this is about. As to your belief about submission, that, too, is your right. But our religious beliefs say that I am to submit to my husband, therefore I do. And though our religion does not condemn spanking as part of it, it also does not command it (in fact, the vast majority of people who share our faith do not practice domestic discipline). But it certainly does command my submission. Fortunately, my husband shares my faith, and therefore follows our faith’s commands about loving and respecting me. But even if he didn’t, that would not mean I wouldn’t have to submit to him. My submission to my husband is merely an act of obedience to God. That gives me much comfort, since I know that God will honor my obedience to Him. We tried the “being equals” thing in our marriage for 12 years. We had a good relationship, particularly when compared to most modern relationships. But once I began submitting, we absolutely stopped arguing. Things were good before, but they are great now. And for the record, submission was my decision. Submission can not be forced. If it is forced, then it isn’t submission. I choose to submit, because that is what God tells me to do. And since I am now obeying Him in this, He has blessed our marriage. I can’t help but appreciate that.
I agree with Penny. My wife strives to submit to me but I never say submit to me. The scripture is addressed to her not me. It would be wrong of me to dominate. I am commanded to love her.
We do not have a DD marriage. It just seems irrelevant to us.
Blondie
there is a NEW website on this, its at christiandomesticdiscipline.net. Do u think this could be a big thing today??
I think that this is disgusting…
Has it come to a point where Christians are going to have to make laws informing people of what is and what is not in the Bible so there can be no corruption or rewriting of scripture any greater than there already has been? We, as serious believers need to learn when the line needs to be drawn. Fact is, there are a lot of people out there who simply want to turn every little sexual Achilles’ heel of theirs into something Christian because it makes them feel like God is okay with what they’re doing. I have a problem with this…
I agree entirely with this person Ashley, who is for some reason no longer able to comment here, that God never told a man to do this to his wife in the Bible. Because if he did, wouldn’t it be likely that everyone who practiced this would be arguing it’s case and suggesting that all Christian marriages employ this? Instead, the people who are in this lifestyle say: “This may not be for everyone.” And they are absolutely right. Because they know, just like more than 90% of people who don’t practice this know that it has nothing to do with obedience to God and everything to do with sex.
Keep your sex life where it belongs please…in the bedroom! No one else other than the people with your mindset want to hear about it, and neither do we care. If you really have nothing better to do than waste your time than fantasize about bdsm and write fictitious stories about your ’spanking experiences’ with your imaginary lovers on the internet while selling sex toys to people who practice this lifestyle, when a really serious person would know that a simple hairbrush would suffice, I don’t think you are within your rights to call yourself a ‘literal’ Christian.
Just my two cents.
Funny site. It goes on about head of house using scripture etc. Then there is the site store full of paddles. i.e. the Warmer: When you go otk this baby will give you the comfort you are looking for. Whippit: Fits perfect in the pocket. Great on those days out. Whipple: Great for trips. Is someone enjoying this or is it really discipline?
you know from what I have from it seems the wifes bring this to there husbands more times then not. So then we must think and say will if its what makes her happy. After all it is the mans job to keep his wifes heart happy, right?
Allso I feel that men want to be in charge in there homes. Men have a need to lead there homes. But today are told at a very young age to never lead a women. I all so think women want there men to lead. Young women go after the so called bad boys because they have a need for a strong man. But yet are told never to let a man lead. I think when we let the roles be what they need to be things work better. So if this works for some then so what. At lest they are doing what feels right for them. No one else has a right o say anything.
Very good post Trish. It wasn’t on there when I posted so I wasn’t ignoring it. You speak a lot of truth.
I wonder if they are insecure in doing what they do and have to make practically a religion of it to justify it.
I am not entirely against it but believe anything to do with punishment is a wrong turn and points to a damaged childhood in some way.
Blondie
I agree with your leadership points Just Me. The wife can help his leadership by submitting to it. I don’t tally this up with CDD though. That is something else.
Every woman knows that there have been those times in her life when someone should have taken down her panties and paddled her! Most of the time, it doesn’t happen. Yet the impulse is there and today’s woman has trouble understanding why she could possibly have such an irrational thought.
The desire of woman to be controlled is not confined to any particular period in history or spot on the globe. Nor does it disappear with education or economic opportunity. Instead, the desire is intertwined with human survival. Those women inclined to submit to men were most likely to breed. In turn, that characteristic was most likely to be passed on to their descendents through countless generations.
Nature has her own agenda. That agenda is procreation. It’s not that spanking leads directly to sex. Often it doesn’t. More often a spanking on the bare results in respect. That is why, in more primitive cultures, a woman would rather a man see her pubic region than see her buttocks. Women are choosey about which men they respect. No everyone qualifies.
A woman may be more vulnerable on her buttocks than on any other region of her body. For this reason there are spacious isles in boutiques. If a woman is brushed too often in the wrong place, she will do her shopping somewhere else!
Nature has stacked the deck so that a woman in love expects the man to whom she is attracted to prove his mettle. The fastest way for a man to lose respect in the eyes of a woman is to abandon her in a time of danger. Women despise cowards. The opposite is true when a man proves himself. One way of doing this is for the man to put an end to any deceitful behavior. Over eons of time, many a woman has given herself to the man who finally spanked her. It has happened to virgins as well as to divorced grandmothers!
Spanking isn’t some kink. Nature intends it to happen so men and women don’t drift apart. That’s why the otherwise inexplicable urge after a woman does something stupid. A woman may talk herself out of the urge or punish herself in other ways, but that doesn’t make the basic drive disappear.
My wife brought this up after doing a lot of research on this. Our marriage was not heading in the direction that we liked. She came across this practice and like I said researched it. All the posts, blogs etc. She told me in her heart that she wanted to submit to me. Now, my wife is just not an everyday wife or mother, she is a well educated professional that has a lot of control in her life. For her to come to me and say that she wants me to take control of the house and be the Head Of Household was very unuasual for her. So I took it seriously and did research of my own. I saw how it changed couples hearts and attitudes. I told her that I dont want to hurt her and she told me that letting her continue to “hurt” me in letting her get away with her actions toward me was hurting her even more. So to say that I “beat” my wife is not correct. I am instructed by God to love my wife as Christ loved the church. If God say the church was out of control he would punish it, correct? My wife wants to be submissive to me like the scripture does say. I know that it does not say to spank her, but there is a lot of stuff in the bible that is said and we as Christians choose to ignore or not practice for it is not convienent. So I am getting a little off track here. I am open to any type of questions that you may have.
Someone posted that do I hold my wifes hand. Yes I do. I talk to her about what she is going to get punished for and ask her to explain her state of mind and heart about what may have happened. Then she goes aver my knee and I spank her for it. I am holding my wifes hand, speaking softly to comfort her. After it is done, she thanks me for loving her enough to not let her get away with it. I have not asked her to do this, this is something coming straight from her heart.
This lifestyle has changed our hearts, mind and attitudes toward one another and our marriage is for sure better now than what it was like 2 years ago.
I don’t think anyone has the right to say that this is healthy or unhealthy in a marriage. Where are you getting your standards of what constitutes a healthy marriage? Oprah? Other psychological gurus? I definitely think there’s a place for domestic discipline with the husband in charge in a Christian marriage. It certainly isn’t required by scripture but neither is it forbidden. Having said that, I ‘ll also add that I’m a wife in a cdd marriage. Been married 19 years, been living cdd for 6 months. I’m a far cry from some beaten down, timid, little wallflower cowering in a corner. I’m bubbly,outgoing, feisty, graduated from college with honors. My husband also has his 4 year degree. We’re very much a “normal” middle class typical Christian family. The past 6 months we’ve constantly had people commenting on how in love we seem, how happy we look. how romantic we are, etc.You can think what you want, but I know we’re not freaks and that this works for us. And up until about 50 or 60 years ago,most people wouldn’t have thought twice about whether or not this was OK. The outcry against a husband giving his wife a spanking for wrong behavior is simply a result of modern culture. And I refuse to let the liberal society I live in dictate my beliefs and practices.
This is a matter between a husband and wife. I would never dream of telling anyone else that this HAS to be a part of their marriage, and no one else has the right to tell me and my husband that this can’t be a part of our marriage. It does not violate scripture and it works for us. If that offends you, then this type of marriage may not be for you. But it really isn’t your place to tell someone else how to live out their marriage vows.