CLUE 14. Are You Jealous?
March 6, 2006 by gayla
Filed under Relationships
Infatuation: jealousy is more frequent and more severe. When you’re jealous you want to keep him or her wholly to yourself. You are, in short, being selfish and possessive. Your concern is with what you want, not with what the other person wants. You’re afraid that he or she might enjoy – or give some attention to – someone other than yourself.
Such a response is selfish. Your attitude is one of taking from your relationship. You are not willing to release the other person to do freely what he or she finds enjoyable. In effect, you are saying: “I want you to be happy, but only if you do what makes me happy. My happiness comes first, not yours.” That is a sign of infatuation, not love. Jealousy is strongly associated with divorce. More than three times as many divorced than happily married persons report mate jealousy.
Real Love: If it is love, jealousy is less frequent and less severe. Not that you will never feel jealous. None of us ever gets to be 100% selfless. But the more you love the other person, the more you are able to release her or him. Release is an expression of trust, respect, and acceptance. To the extent that your love is not selfish, you can be free of jealousy.
If she likes to talk to another boy once in a while, he will not restrain her freedom. He wants her to be happy, even though he might prefer that she talk only with him all the time. She will not mind if he on occasion likes to dance with some other girl. Love does not restrict, it release. It does not imprison, it liberates.
That’s why it’s so important that love be mutual. If you love, you trust. That means you need someone worthy of that trust. That way you can free each other to be your true selves, in full confidence that your trust will not be betrayed.
As your love grows, so does your trust and confidence. More and more you learn to avoid the things that displease each other. As a result, jealousy comes to be less frequent and less severe. At length it may all but disappear.
If you set out to save your life, that’s a selfish intent. The result is that you lose out on life. You miss the joy of giving, of being useful, of feeling needed.
