Codependency: What It Is and How to Deal
October 22, 2007 by Kristen King
Filed under Women's Health
Do you suffer from codependency, and would you know if even if you did? According to Mental Health America (MHA), codependency is “an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual’s ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as ‘relationship addiction’ because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive.”
The thing is, many of the elements of codependency seem like good things and are traits frequently praised in women, so sufferers are often reluctant to admit that there’s a problem. For example, wanting to help others and caring about their needs is a good thing, right? But not when you do it to the exclusion of caring for your OWN needs. In fact, codependency can be described as an addiction to feeling needed, because codependents are focused on others’ needs rather than their own.
WebMD offers these red flags for identifying unhealthy, codependent relationships (some with my commentary), along with tips for breaking the cycle of codependency:
Red Flag No. 1: Do you become obsessed with fixing and rescuing needy people? (see also: every relationship I had during high school and my first 2 years of college)
Red Flag No. 2: Are you easily absorbed in the pain and problems of other people?
Red Flag No. 3: Are you trying to control someone? Is someone trying to control you? (see also: my relationship with my parents)
Red Flag No. 4: Do you do more than your share — all of the time? (see also: every group project I’ve ever done)
Red Flag No. 5: Are you always seeking approval and recognition?
Red Flag No. 6: Would you do anything to hold on to a relationship? Do you fear being abandoned? (see also: the last guy I dated before I met my husband)
If you see yourself in any of these codependency descriptors, take action and get help. You deserve to be happy and in control of your own life. The best solution I know of is to seek individual counseling (ie, psychotherapy), but you may find that something else works for you.
Codependency Recovery Resources
Contents © Copyright 2007 Kristen King
I need help to understand myself as an emotional co-dependent person
I’m there with you. I am twenty-one and am only now starting to realize that I may be a codependent. My first break-up at age fifteen left me devastated and I went through a slew of boyfriends trying to recapture the glow of my first guy. Right after I graduated high school up until last year, I dated men — or should I say boys — who treated me like crap, but I was too fixated on their exciting qualities and possible ways to help them get better to notice that I was being treated like a piece of meat. Right now I’m in a relationship with a guy who treats me wonderfully, but my codependence is preventing me from knowing whether I’m truly in love with him or not. Basically I don’t know exactly who I’m in this relationship for, him or me. It’s hard work getting to know who you are when you’ve spent a lot of time denying that you really truly ARE. Keep working at it, do everything you can to acknowledge your worth, and seek good professional help. You will know when things are getting better — your heart will feel lighter and happier. The thing to remember is that everyone is equal, and you will be healthiest when you realize that applies to you too. That’s the best advice I can give as a recovering codependent, and I hope it helps.
I need help and help fast as my Husband is getting tired of it already. He keeps telling me he needs “time with the guys” and “time to himself” but I just panic when I even think about it. I don’t understand why I feel this way or what I can do about it? Part of me says “everyone needs some time to myself” but the other part of my just goes grazy when he wants it. I’m tooo old to cry when my hushand just simply wants to go hang out with the guys rather than me!