Computer Eyes

In keeping with the b5 media’s Science and Health Channel’s theme day you have the opportunity to hear a bit about the experiences and reactions of a drunk’s children.

I can’t recall whether I heard this from Sean A. of Los Angeles or the attorney from Chicago but I certainly identified with it immediately.

Too many times to count. That’s how often I came home from work intoxicated. Self-centered in the extreme, inconsiderate to the max. Having given no thought whatsoever to the emotional welfare of either my spouse or my children who, at the time, were very young and couldn’t understand.

To make matters worse, I was like, ah yes, it was the Chicago attorney, I was a Jekyll and Hyde. One of the problems my family had when I came home from work was not being able to decipher my mood. If I’d had a good day, even intoxicated, I’d be ready to play and horse around. If I’d had a bad day, I’d be sullen, withdrawn and angry. Though they didn’t deserve the anger, it fell on them anyway.

When I heard this on his AA recovery tape, I understood exactly what those children had to do each day. As I walked in the door they instantly looked and analyzed what mood I was in. Their eyes became little computers. If I was in a good mood they were safe. If I wasn’t, they would try to dive for cover, or attempt to make believe it wasn’t so, or disappear the best they could.

If you’re an alky like me, you may not physically abuse your children but I’m here to tell you from experience that the emotional abuse you land on them is just as bad. I know, for a fact, because my father did the exact same thing to my brothers and I. Thank God, for without divine providence it would not have changed.

Today, I am firm in my belief that all children deserve a sober parent. If that’s you, do something immensely helpful to your children – today – make a meeting, help another drunk, stay sober. Learn how to love yourself so you can love those kids. Don’t make them use their computer eyes.