Constructive Quarreling

Quarrels can be constructive. An electrical fuse serves to keep a sudden burst of strong current from blowing out the whole power system. It may be better to blow off some steam and spoil an evening than to blow the whole relationship.

While they may do some good, quarrels can also do a lot of harm. Some studies show that quarrels may act more as a hair trigger than a safety valve.

Perhaps the key to constructive conflict is mutual caring and respect. A principle of child rearing could apply here. If a child ever has to be spanked, it should be done out of love, never out of anger or spite. The punishment should indeed hurt the parent as much as the child.

So it should be with marital quarrels. When the couple talks straight with each other, there should never be any doubt about an underlying bond of love. Each should be quite sure that the other deeply cares and is supportive, not destructive. The quarrel should not leave the partners hostile, hurt, angry, or bitter. The motive is to make the relationship better, not tear it down or destroy it – and each other.

Some couples tend to break up and then get back together over and over. They can’t seem to get along with – or without – each other for very long at a time. This is more likely to happen if they are involved with sex.

Sound the alarm bell! Most alert counselors know that if a couple breaks up and gets back together more than once during courtship, it’s a bad sign. The couple should take fair warning. If it keeps happening before the wedding, it’s likely to follow that same pattern afterward – and get worse. Who wants to put up with that for the rest of their lives?