Cougars Need Men, Not Boys
May 2, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
A friend of mine is a bit of a Cougar. She is attracted to and attracts younger men. She doesn’t plan it that way, it just sort of works out that way. They pursue her and she’s single and figures, “Well, why not?” It probably doesn’t help that I encourage her. I think she’s young and fun and also of the “Well, why not,” point of view.
Here’s the problem, they don’t follow through. They talk a good game, she enjoys the time that she spends with them, but they are flakes. I don’t think that every guy under the age of 30 is a flake, but these guys, they are getting on my nerves. I kept an open mind, but last night it finally occurred that she’s better than this, she wants more than this, and I’m not going to say, “…well, age doesn’t matter,” anymore. It does matter. When it comes to the point where a grown woman wants to meet a grown man to have a grown-up relationship, then maybe hanging with the boys isn’t the best way to find a man.
Here’s what I suggested, make a firm cut-off age, refer to your list, (she’s my friend with the What I Want In A Man list), and be open to someone who might be a little older. (She’s a little spoiled by the hot young bodies, basically). Don’t settle for less than respectful courteous treatment, because then your are treading into He’s Just Not That Into You territory.
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I always think of the term “cougar” as just referring to older women who want younger men as boy toys for sex and not much else. So, they really shouldn’t expect much out the relationship except that. Personally, I’m married to a much younger man (14 years younger). Prior to getting married, I only dated younger men… that’s just who I was attracted to. But I never considered myself a cougar. I wasn’t looking for a boy toy. So, I dated younger men who were polite, intelligent, mature, funny, ambitious, employed and looking for a relationship not just a romp. I think there are immature flakes who are 40+ and who are 20 — both male and female. So, she might as well date whatever age group she’s attracted to and just be more picky about who she selects.
I think that my friend might need to be more picky. She is a very warm and welcoming person and she has friends of all ages and careers, etc. This is where her list comes into play. She can remind herself of what she wants and what she is willing to put up with.
Thanks for commenting Kori.
I struggle with this a lot. I wouldn’t call myself a cougar….yet…because I’m only 32. But I tend to attract and be attracted to younger guys. And every single time a relationship with one of them ends I swear I’ll never date another younger guy again…and then one appears who makes me think that it isn’t so bad. But, with exceptions of course, most men younger than me (in their early 20s) aren’t at the same place I am. They aren’t thinking that they only have a few good child-bearing years left. They haven’t been through that self-discovery phase to the extent I have.
I agree with Kori that we have to be better at picking GOOD men, and that flakes come in all ages…but I think maturity is something that comes with life experience, which some younger guys have, but generally it comes in time. And if I have 9 years on you…well, you probably haven’t experienced as much or questioned as much about yourself..
I say all this as I’m in the process of falling for another younger man
Barista, you met a new man? What is he like?
I agree that good guys come in all ages. My last boyfriend was 41 and he’s going to be a spoiled child for the rest of his life.
Thank goodness I have moved on.
I agree with both the girls that just posted their thoughts on dating younger men. Basically, if the guy is not repecting you or treating you right–you need to NEXT them no matter what their age is. A friend of my told me an interesting concept yesterday–do not fall for a guys potential. If he is not on the same page as you then move on. Waiting or hoping for that potential to shine through is like trying to grasp air and hold it firm in your hand. What did you catch–nothing there…
Oh, Jackie!! That is so good. Fall for who he IS, not who he COULD BE.
Dang, I wish I had come up with that. ;D
Oh I can not take the credit. It was a counselor who said it. Great thought though….potential, potential, what to do with it?