Could you forgive infidelity?
October 11, 2007 by Kerri Aldrich
Filed under Relationships
For the longest time, I said I could never forgive infidelity. That was my one breaking point. And I knew this from the time I was, I dunno, old enough to date? I’m sure it was one of the first things that Bald Man knew about me as it related to marriage. Poor kid, at the age of 16 he was already hearing me talk about how this would be, without a doubt, the deal breaker in a marriage.
Fast forward almost 16 years, and I don’t know that I could be that absolute anymore. 10 years of marriage and the parenting of three kids really messes with black and white decisions. Not that I ever want to find out.
Karen shared with me the site of a couple, Ron and Nancy Anderson, who have struggled through the reality of infidelity in a marriage and who have, seemingly, come out on the other end in a strong and loving marriage. You can read about their story here.
What about you? Do you think your marriage could survive an affair?
photo credit: KamalSell
Hmmm, this is a tough one. I’ve only been married a year and a half, so at this point, yes infidelity is a deal breaker. It’s also a commandment in the Old Testament, and who am I to argue with that? Besides, when someone does that, you lose all trust, and what is a marriage without trust? It’s nothing, that’s what.
M101: Thanks for sharing your thoughts out here. It would be so hard to be able to forgive that kind of betrayal. Again, I hope to never find out.
I’m divorced from the father of my kids because of infidelity that resulted in a bout with cervical cancer for me. While I tried very hard to forgive, the greatest difficulty I had was the forgetting. Trying to forget an act that put my life at risk, was impossible.
I don’t think people realize that when a person cheats, they are not taking into consideration the full scope of risks. It’s not just emotionally damaging, it’s potentially physically harmful.
Being an STD Patient Advocate for so many years revealed so much about this oversight.
It’s terrifying at best.
Even being divorced for 10 years now, I still cannot ever forgive what he did and I’m reminded with the fear of my physical exam every single year.
Gayla: Thanks for sharing your experience with us. The physical risks that are involved certainly aren’t the issues that are brought to the forefront when infidelity is discussed, though they obviously should be. I hope you continue to stay cancer-free, and that maybe your story will make someone else think twice about the risks they’re taking for themselves and others.
I don’t know. I’ve always said it is a deal breaker, but now I don’t know. Would it take a lot to trust him and build our relationship? Yes, but I would try to work it out, as long as he is willing to change.
I couldn’t get over it. I have made a lot of sacrifices for my husband. An infidelity would throw those sacrifices back in my face. Marriage involves a substantial amount of risk, but I don’t think both partners risk the same things. I have definitely risked more and if this happens, I will cut my losses.
I went through this and it was one of the most devistating times of my life. Not only did he cheat during our marriage, I tried to forget and got back with him, and he cheated again. I tried to forgive, but forgetting was the worst part. Thank goodness I don’t have to deal with him anymore, except for the times when he comes over to see our daughter.
I have connected to a lot of blog friends who have been thru this. I chose to stay married, didn’t have any preconcieved ideas to work thru. My H was VERY remorseful and it was not a love affair luckily. We have an 8 year old and are coming up on our 10th anniversary. I has been a challenge but why bother getting married if that’s not what you want. I say, why climb Mt Everest if you can just get married! I got married for the first time at 40 so I take it as a job not just romance I guess. Anyway- whether I trust again or not isn’t the issue for me. It’s a quality of trust issue and life is just evolving anyway and we either ride along or get thrown off! Come visit sometime- it’s a common subject.