Crocodile Tears are Real, and so is CFS
October 4, 2007 by laura
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
During my week of quarantine-ness, I have been trying to keep away the boredom fairies. Not easy to do. I am not at all used to spending my time in bed. Thank goodness for laptops. Even Colin Firth as Mr Darcy in Pride and Prejudice isn’t helping to make me feel a little better…and I really thought that movie could cure anything that ails me.
So today, I have been doing my best to make use of the time, and try to make myself a little bit smarter. Which led me to do some reading on ScienceDaily.
So what did I learn today? Well, I am so glad you asked. I learned that crocodiles actually do cry real tears (mostly when they are eating humans – but they do cry).
The definition of crocodile tears, according to Urban Dictionary is,
To pretend a sorrow that one doesn’t in fact feel, to create a hypocritical show of emotion. The idea comes from the ancient belief that crocodiles weep while luring or devouring their prey.
This makes me think of the first boyfriend I dated, after being diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. I felt lousy all of the time. He insisted that I was faking it. Or maybe not quite faking it, but definitely thought that if I had a perma grin on my face, I wouldn’t feel so bad. While part of how he thought was right ~ the way he portrayed his thoughts (for awhile) to me was really insensitive.
He didn’t know me when I had been healthy, so he couldn’t really judge when I was feeling good, and when I wasn’t. For the first while, I did my best to “walk it off”….and not say anything. And then one night over dinner, he watched me rapidly decline. To the point that the pain was so bad I was crying. Not sobbing, mind you (we were not quite at the stage where I could make a scene in a public place, and be forgiven). But the tears were there and visible.
It was then that he picked up on the fact that there was something not quite right with me. He started changing his attitude about my “illness” right there. I too had to make some changes. I worked very hard at trying to gauge how I was feeling. We would plan activities based on how I was doing. We had to make huge compromises. I always got to pick the activity. However, it had to be tailored to him.
I got off on a bit of a rant….but here is how crocodile tears is related to my journey with CFS. We had code words, so if were out in public, with other people – I would be able to communicate how I was feeling without anyone else having to know I was sick. The words I used when I had to get out of a situation really fast was “crocodile tears”. He knew that if I used those words, then I was really close to the edge, and that I could start crying at any minute. Anyone who didn’t know what I was going through, would have thought I was insane.
But thanks to a totally false phrase, I was able to reach out to man who was able to show a whole lot of compassion- when he was ready to understand that a life with me, was going to be just a little bit different.
Do you do anything like that? Have little code words….or a way to signal that you aren’t in a good place health wise?
Image Source – Flickr
Whoah, if Colin Firth doesn’t help it’s more serious than I thought!
I haven’t bothered with dating since I got sick just because of what you describe–the other person has to do alot of accommodating and not too many people are up to that. Perhaps what I need to do is find someone whose job is so demanding that by the time they get home they’re wiped and all they want to do is watch Pride and Prejudice!
DH has been around through a couple of ups and downs, the formal CFS only being the latest (I don’t know when it really began, so it might have been slowly eeking in before him
). He’s gotten better at noticing my energy levels than I am – usually I hear a phrase like “somebody’s fading!” if we’re out somewhere, or a command to sit down, get back to the car and wait, go lie down for a while, etc.
I tend to use a “I’m wiped out…” or “I feel like I’m coming down with something…” or another banal excuse to get out of social engagements when I’m alone – but most social engagements I’m participating in, at least one person knows why.
Now, if I could figure out a graceful way out of a mid-grocery-shop-crash (which annoyingly enough tends to happen in the checkout line), I’d have the maneouvers mastered!
(I’m sorry P&P didn’t help. Let me know if you ever want to take up knitting
)
Can you believe my luck…first I get this stupid sick thing, then my supermarket runs out of Chunky Monkey ice cream, and then the beautiful and uber talented Colin Firth is not able to take my pain away.
I think I am cursed.
I think we just found new criteria for the perfect man. He must love Colin Firth movies. Perhaps our perfect man is going to end up being gay. I hope not…but it just might happen.
I forgot to say, I think that’s a great boyfriend story! I was about to smite him at the beginning
.
Sylvia, one thing DH and I say to each other fairly often “Everybody is dealing with something.” (he’s got his own health troubles). There are very few people on the planet that manage to make it much past 25 without going through some kind of major or reccurring or mildly persisting crap. The trick is to find someone who can see past their own crap in order to emphasize with other types of hurdles. It continuously surprises me that CFS isn’t the first thing that comes to my friends/family’s mind when they think of me – often they’ve forgotten entirely. So I must be making a person-to-person connection that persists even with all the hurdles. Don’t hold yourself back because you are afraid of what accomodations the other person has to do – they probably have to be nearly as accomodating to any other date (due to schedule, or kids, or crazy mom, or bipolar, or congenital hip defect, or allergies, or personality, or …). It is what it is, let your light shine
.
Now there’s an idea! But where are such ideal creatures to be found?
Thanks Jenna, you’re probably right. I should let other people decide what they’re willing to put up with!
Jenna,
sounds like you lucked out in the husband dept. It’s interesting these days (for me), as my male friends are way more in tuned with “sickness cycles” than my female friends. Perhaps its the whole protective thing.
Anyway, I am lucky to have these men in my life…they are a little bit bossy….but I sure am glad that they know best.
Sadly, my DH, as perfect as he is, has no liking for Colin Firth movies. In fact we have very little overlapping tastes in either tv or movies – which is why we spend so much time in front of our respective computer screens…
Jenna,
it is a good boyfriend story. He was a good boyfriend.
And that is so cool that people forget you have CFS. I love that. It totally means that you don’t identify with your illness.
Its good advice about reminding us, that everybody has their own issues to deal with. It is sometimes hard to remember when one person appears to have everything together…..it often throws me for a loop – when someone mistakes me for being that person.
Eventually the right person comes around….its good practice for us to be patient.
Not like Colin Firth movies???? How foreign!
I have to say I have a great husband. He is very supportive and understanding of my CFS, FM, and IC Disease. My ex-husband didn’t believe I was sick and thought I was “faking it” all of the time. It hasn’t always been easy for my husband to understand some of the cooky things that come with CFS, like being up late at night for one, but he knows now that it is nothing personal against him. He used to get upset if I didn’t stay in bed. Now he realizes that it is part of the illness. I am very fortunate. There aren’t many men that could put up with all of my health issues.
Laura – I wanted to let you know that I started a blog for my BIL who is a stage 4 cancer patient. Our family is fighting like crazy to keep him around. His chemo treatments are $3,000 each and that is what they have to pay out of pocket. I set up a blog to help raise funds for them. It is at http://fightingformike.blogspot.com.
Thanks Sandy for letting us know about the new blog. I am going to add you to my blogroll right now. I am sorry to hear about you BIL – I hope things work out, and that he is as comfortable as possible. Your family is in my thoughts.
Really glad to hear that you have a great husband that understands about dealing with these illnesses…it really is a big help, when they do.
We don’t have any codewords, but I usually just tell my boy if I’m getting tired and head home before I fade completely. If I’m really bad I just ask him to take me home and we make our excuses and leave. Often if we’re out late he will ask me how I’m going and he gets better every day and gauging how I’m doing. But it hasn’t been an easy road. Even though he knew me before I had CFS and so he knows I’m not faking it, he still gets frustrated.
I think boyfriends will always get frustrated. How can they not. Having to watch someone decline, and know that they are powerless to do anything about it, is indeed a hard thing to watch.
Sounds to me, like you have a good one on your side.
We used code words, because for the most part – our evenings with other couples were work related (for his work). We were not really comfortable disclosing my illness to his boss or clients. Because he was still not quite an ace at monitoring my status….we needed to stay somewhat discreet. And the term crocodile tears, seemed to work for us.