Dads and doulas
June 3, 2008 by Marijke Durning, RN
Filed under Women's Health
Dads and Doulas
(Womb Within has its very own doula)
Susan had been thinking about hiring a doula to support her goal of an unmedicated, low-intervention birth. Her husband, Jeff, on the other hand, wasn’t so sure. He felt like having a stranger at what he considered an intimate experience would be intrusive. He didn’t want someone taking his place. He believed he could support Susan during labor just fine, and didn’t know what a doula could do that he couldn’t. After all, he was going to childbirth classes with Susan, and he could do that ‘hee-hee-hoo’ business just as well as anyone else.
So you’re thinking of hiring a doula, and your husband’s not so sure? Or maybe you’re not sure you need one, given that your husband is gung-ho about the whole birth experience? After all, he can change a tire on the side of the 
highway in 10 minutes flat, kill spiders, and grill a mean steak. He gives a great backrub, knows just how you like your coffee, and would never think of telling you no. He’ll even hold your purse while you try on clothes. Yes, those are all great qualities, and he gets points for enthusiasm when it comes to birth. But that’s not what’s going to get you through birth.
Simply put: doulas don’t replace dads. Or your mom. Or your sister. Or your best friend. But we do bring things to the table that they may not. Doulas are trained childbirth professionals. We have more knowledge and skills than traditional childbirth classes provide, and we bring a great deal of hands-on experience. Our interest in birth isn’t just for the duration of one pregnancy. We may be attending several births each month, and our “off hours” are spent pursuing continuing education, watching videos, reading books, and sharing information with other doulas and birth attendants, trying to learn as much as we can.
As I mentioned in my first column, birth has long been “women’s work.” It’s only been in recent memory that men were even allowed 
in to the labor/delivery room. And quite frankly, some men wish they were still left in the waiting room with football on TV. Your husband may not admit to that, because society expects him to be in the labor room with you. A doula can help your partner be involved at his (or her) comfort level, whatever that is. (An interesting side note: A study showed that as labor progressed, men tend to move farther away from the laboring woman. Women move closer.)
“But he’s going to childbirth class with me!” Typical childbirth class is sort of a “shotgun” approach. Hospital classes usually give an overview of the birth process, attempt to expose you to the interventions you are likely to face (often disguised as hospital policy), such as IVs, constant monitoring, Pitocin, 
and having food withheld, and provide a hospital tour. They usually include some basic breathing techniques that most women don’t end up using because they can’t remember them, although they remember they can ask for drugs or an epidural so that’s what they do. A doula can be your “memory” – your resource book of techniques to cope with labor, your quick reference guide of benefits, risks, and alternatives to interventions and procedures. She can interpret medical terms in easy-to-understand language, and remind you of your right to ask for a few minutes to discuss what you want to do before giving consent.
Doulas also “doula” dads. One of my first births was with a teen couple. The mom was handling her labor beautifully, but there came a point where the baby’s father 
was overcome with emotions at the way his life was going to change with this baby. So I spent time with him in the bathroom, calming him down, listening to his fears, and encouraging him to be just as strong as she was being, because this wasn’t just about the birth of a child, but the birth of a family, and he played a vital role. Birth is an emotional process, and not just for moms. Doulas ensure that the emotional needs of both partners are met as much as possible.
Birth is also a physically demanding process. It can be long. Labor can last for days, especially for a first time mom. Doulas encourage dads to take breaks, to eat, stretch, and even nap when possible. Do you have dogs at home that need to be let out? Other children that need to be cared for? These are all additional considerations, and it can be quite comforting to dad to know that you are in good hands while he tends to other responsibilities.
Birth is a vulnerable time. When you give birth, you have to surrender to your body, and let your body take over for your mind. This leaves you emotionally vulnerable. And unless you are planning a home birth, you will be in a strange place, with people you don’t know coming in and out of your room. If you are laboring at a hospital, you will probably labor through at least one shift change, if not more. Nurses come and go. Your own doctor may not catch your baby. And yet this is the time when you need stability and consistency the most. Doulas provide that stability and continuity so you can focus on the work that needs to be done.
It is hard to see a loved one in pain or discomfort. Our natural human response is to try to eliminate whatever is causing the situation. But birth isn’t something you can just walk away from. It’s a process, a journey. And even though people want to help, they often don’t know how. That’s where a doula can come in handy. We often model behaviors for your other support people, so they can help you effectively. If you’re experiencing back pain, we may take turns with dad, providing counter pressure. While we’re pushing on your back to help you find some relief, dad can be in front of you, encouraging you to stay focused, to let your body open, and to allow your baby to be born. Your mom can be rubbing your hands while your doula rubs your feet.
As transition starts, you may feel like you can’t go on, that you can’t possibly do this anymore. Things that worked five minutes ago now drive you crazy. Your doula can reassure your partner that this is a normal part of birth, it means the birth is near, and this is the time to help you refocus and remind you of the prize awaiting you. Then, while you’re pushing your baby out, your sister may be cheering you on, dad may be watching in amazement as he sees his son’s head slowly ease out, and your doula may be capturing the moment on film as you see your son for the first time.
After the baby is born, dads often feel torn. They are amazed at the strength, determination, and physical exertion it took for you to bring this baby into the world, and they want to kiss you and thank you and tell you how much they love you. On the other hand, the baby is here, and he wants to get acquainted with this new being he helped create. If you are in the hospital, it 
is likely your baby may be separated from you while you are delivering the placenta and being assessed for repairs. Your doula will stay with you, encouraging you to drink, praising your hard work, and enabling your partner to be with the baby. If you have a C-section, this can be even more difficult, because the baby may be in the nursery in another part of the hospital while you are repaired and moved to recovery. Again, your doula will stay with you, so dad can be with the baby.
A doula is another member of your birth team, but her only focus is on helping you achieve the birth experience you hope to have. Her loyalty is to you and you alone. Not to your doctor, the resident, the four nurses you may see, an anesthesiologist, your insurance company, your sister, your neighbor, or your coworker. She supports you and your partner as you become a family.
If you are considering a doula, talk with your husband or partner about what he (or she) feels in regards to a doula. Encourage your partner to attend interviews with doulas you meet. Ask how they work with dads to help facilitate a positive experience. Make sure you are both comfortable with the doula you hire and all of you agree you will make a good team.
Images: Newscom and iStock
~~~~
Three-part series: What is a Doula
Last installment: What is a doula?
~~~~~~
Thanks so much for yet another super post. This is really incredibly informative information. Geez, I so wish we had had someone like you with my labours.
I was pretty lucky with them, but just to have someone like you would have made things a little bit easier.
Thanks so much for all of this great information! We are very interested in having a doula to work with during our baby’s birth, and this has really cemented the idea in our heads. I would love to read more about how to find and choose the right doula for us.
Hi Melissa – I’m sure Meredith is checking but in case she isn’t, I’ll pass on your message.
These are some great articles on doulas! I’m seriously considering getting one for my next birth as my daughter’s birth did not go any way like I expected or desired, yet it easily could have.
The one thing that was difficult for me to find was the approximate cost for a birth doula. I had to track the local doulas down at a baby fair and ask them directly. I’m not due until December, so planning ahead lets me see if the cost is in my budget. Knowing upfront a guesstimate is a good thing.
The cost of a doula varies by city/state and experience level. The average is about $500/birth in the midwest, with the coasts being higher. If cost is an issue, don’t worry – there are options! Student doulas who need births toward certification will often assist you for free or a reduced rate. Many doulas are willing to make payment plans, use paypal so you can put it on a credit card, or barter services/goods in exchange for their work. Talk with several doulas you like, and pick the one you feel most comfortable with. Don’t pick based on price, because that can always be worked out.