Dating Widowers
July 30, 2007 by gayla
Filed under Relationships
You would think that dating widowers would be rewarding for the most part. As a woman, you wouldn’t feel you were being sized up to another woman and you wouldn’t have to deal with that woman being in your life, even if only occasional.
On the other hand, there are a number of women who have shared their experiences on just how risky dating a widower might be.
Have you ever had to compete with the memory of a ghost?
Something to think about!
Tom Blake shares a number of stories, both rewarding and risky by women who have dated or are involved with widowers.
I have recently come out of a 3 year relationship with a 59 year old widower.I am 56 and never married.He took me and my sister and my dogs in when we were in financial difficulties and in almost 2 months he claimed he was in love with me partly because of my situation and myself reminded him of his late wife.She died at the age of 52 suddenly and tragically from an illness.I fell in love with him eventually because of all he sacrificed for me.We had ups and downs in our relationship because of my sister living with us.But aside from that he would mention things like he wished he had done more for her or that she and he did not argue like we did (I was a different person then his late wife).He has a very pressurized job and it’s gotten worse in the past year.Things came to a head and he ended it a few months ago and since then my sister and I have moved out.After he broke uo with me he said he was trying to recapture what he had before.In the beginning he told me he had made closure with her dying.This past year a good friend of his and his late wife’s passed away suddenly and so did his dog whom his late wife had brought home from the pound.While he was burying the dog he said he wished his wife were back,his friend and the dog.Since that time he seemed to have lost complete association with me as if all we shared in the last 3 years never existed.He now wants to be alone in the house and said he wants it as it was when he met me.But he also intends to retire in 2 years, sell the house (which he said has too many memories) and move.A week or so ago I stopped at his house to pick up some things I still have there (we are still friends).He is clearing up the rooms to do some renovating but when I went into the main bedroom which we both once shared (and which he’s doing renovations on) on the wall were two pictures of he and his late wife one being a wedding picture.I was shocked and devastated.He only said ‘It is what it is’.I broke down and he couldn’t understand why.He told my sister the pics were there to hide holes in the wall.But he could have put pictures of his daughter and grandchildren there.It gave me the message that in the 4 years since she passed he has never stopped loving her altho he told me how much he loved me.He said when she died he has felt like killing himself.Right now my sister said maybe he should have if in the 4 years since she’s passed and after having a 3 year (and I was in it for keeps) relationship with me he seems to have come no further.I on the other hand am devastated and heartbroken.It was my first (believe it or not) long term relationship and I gave it my all including seeing a shrink to try and understand it all and be a better partner.He also mentions on occasion just wanting to move and then come back to be buried next to Martha.I have never felt so awful in my life as this was the first man I ever truly could say I loved.
Hello everyone. I am new to this website. I am 26 and I am dating a widower who is 31. His wife died 2 years, 3 months ago in a car accident. They did not have kids. We have been dating for a year and 10 months. He is a great man, but we are having push/pull issues. He is only the third guy I’ve dated seriously in my life and I want spend the rest of my life with him. I did not know being in a relationship with a widower was so much work.
I relocated to a different state after graduate school and his job placed him in the same state as me! I really believe this was fate. We have been living together for a year now.
With all this being said…things aren’t so good now. He gave me a ring in February. I didn’t say proposed, it was just given to me. When we had arguments in the past he would say things like, “maybe I should move out.” When he goes to his home state to visit I don’t here from him. When he returns and I ask him about it, he says that he just needed some time alone. On yesterday morning we had a small disagreement and he told me he was moving out. I walked to the other room and when I came back he had a bag packing it with his clothes. I ask where he was going and he said to his apartment. He had a place and I didn’t even know it. My heart is broken. I have cried for two days now. I am young and ready to have kids. I love him with all my heart and I am willimg to wait, but not too long. I just don’t understand how he can leave me after living with me for a year and after all I have been through with him. When he grieves I also grieve, because it affects our relationship. When holidays, her birthday, or their aniversaries come he starts becoming distant. He says he need his space, what should I do. Even though we were not married, we lived together for a year. I have been nothing but good to him. Now he has left me and both of us are here without any family and friends, other than the people who we work with. I would have his dinner done when he got home, iron his clothes, etc. I was a wife without the marriage license. I am confused!
I’ve just recently started checking out websites because the red flags that have been popping up for a while are now waving full-force. There’s a lot to our story, so please bear with me.
A neighbor of mine became a widower about 4 years ago on Christmas day. I always liked this couple and they were very highly regarded in the neighborhood. She was a beautiful woman, inside and out, and he devoted 30 years to her. He was her sole caregiver during her last days, as she was diagnosed as terminal a year prior to her death. She had a son from a previous marriage that he helped raised since the child was 7 (now 42).
I’ve been in several bad relationships, including a marriage that ended very badly over a year ago when my ex walked out on me and my three kids. I then ended up in a bad relationship while I was extremely fragile. I am much stronger and have learned a great deal from my experiences. Much more than most women my age (39).
Yes, I’m significantly younger than the widower (22 years difference). That’s only a minor issue in the grand scheme of things.
We’ve been taking the relationship relatively slow, for the most part, considering we live in such close proximity. Although we’ve seen each other every day for the past six months, we haven’t begun to talk about a future or even uttered “I love you” to one another. I have met his friends (her family) and they all seem to have accepted me and have seen a lot of positive changes in him. My kids have always liked him and are comfortable spending time with him. I’ve listened to them when they’ve said they want to spend more time with just me, so I’m keeping a fairly level head on that point.
We’ve gone on some weekend getaways, with one being around the time of his wife’s birthday. It was kind of tough because he would bring things up about his past and I knew his memories included her.
My biggest concern, however, is the vast number of pictures he has of her around the house, along with some of her decorating style (not his) as well as her car still parked out front (never driven). When I say her pictures are everywhere, that includes his bedroom. It’s agonizing to lay next to him with a picture of the two of them looking at us. I’ve brought my concerns to his attention, recently, and he understands how I feel. I care so deeply for this man and want to be there for him and with him, but this is killing me.
Do I back off on the relationship? How can I come across without seeming like I’m trying to manipulate him into getting rid of the pictures? I know she was a wonderful person and his world revolved around her, but she’s been gone for 4 years. His friends/her family have pushed him to move forward, but I’m not convinced he’s ready. He’s even stated he’s not sure, but he doesn’t want to lose me.
Please help!
Hello, I have been dating a widower for 3 years and we are now engaged. His wife passed 7 years when we first met, so now it is 10 years. In the beginning he still had pictures of her everywhere even in the bedroom. He wanted me to start sleeping over at his house and I straight out told him I couldn’t handle her pictures in the bedroom. He took them out. I slept over, I came back a few nights later the pictures were back in the bedroom. He got defensive and said well, I am not taking my children’s pictures out of here. I didn’t ask him to do that.
Time passed and I moved in with him, to make room for me he still had her x-rays under the bed, dresses in the closet some toiletries in the bathroom. Needless to say I moved back into my house a year later.
We are engaged now things are different but he wants me to live in that house. I do not want to live in that house. I want a new beginning, I don’t feel like the woman of the house. They built that house together and he made the mistake of telling me everything about building it together. I have memories of her and I never knew her. I told him I didn’t want to sell my house until he sold his house and his response was well I guess we wont be getting married for a long time. I suprised him with a well there is not hurry. I haven’t talked to him in regards to the yet, it is driving me crazy. I had to wait till his youngest child turned 18 and now I have to wait for what????
I know he will get angry with me when I let him know that I will not waist anymore of my time. I have to wait how many more years to truley feel like the only one for him?
My real reason for writing is I want you all to know that it seems to be a pattern and yes patients is a must. You are not alone.
Hi. Everyone. I came across this site when I was looking for explanations for my boyfriend’s behavior. Heis a young widowerwith a child under 12 and two kids that he adopted from his wife’s first marriage. We met thru a online dating service and things were amazing between us. Our first date was for supper and we lingered for 3 hours, just talking. After, we went into the parking lot and kissed for 45 minutes more. Then we both left (we came in separate cars and 10 minutes later he phoned me to tell me that he missed me already. When I got home we spen several more hours on the phone (just learninng about each other) and laughing and joking. The nectmorning, I received a text from him that he was sending me hugs and kisses. He came into the town where I live and we spen the next several hours together. When he left he told me that he loved me. That night we again spent several hours on the phone to each other, giggling like teenagers and talking about everything. The next day, sunday, we couldn’t spend together because both of our kids wanted their parents home with them (I have a sixteen year old daughter). So again we spen most of the day talking to each other describing our fears and insecurities about having a relationship. The chemistry was amazing right from the beginningand everyone who know either of us has noticed how much happier we are because of the relationship we are in.( I was in an abusive relationship before and he is the first person I’ve dated in 14 years. He wasmarried for 11 years and his wife died a horrible, slow painful death and died in his arms after 6 years). I’ve never met anyone like him before, he’s the most compassionate, caring, fun,outgoing person I’ve ever met. I didn’t even know that love like this still existed. Anyway, on monday, we met for breakfast and kisses and cuddles before he had to go away for the week and things were amazing. We made plans for the next couple of weeks andtold each other how lucky we were to have the other in our life. The next day he phones me and tells me that he has to break it off because he feels nothing for me and he doesn’t want to force it. Since then, he’s been incommunicado. I don’t know if its because he feel guilty about me so soon after his wife’s death, or if its because his soon was getting jealous because of all of the time we were talking to each other(we never met each other’s kids). I do know that I don’t want to lose him (and he said one of his greatest fears was that I would leave him for someone else). because he is the best thing that has ever happened to me ( and after not being in any kind of relationship for 14 years I can wait for him) I’m just not sure what to do for him Even though we didn’t know each other for very long, he and I both feel like we knew each otherbetter than most of the other people in our lives (with the exception of his wife). What sort of challenges should I prepare myself for with this being his first christmas without her ?
Ladies… Adele, Mel, Jodi, KCC, CAK,
go to this website for advice!
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/lovingawidower/
Thanks for leaving that link, Lisa. When ladies who love widowers come through this thread, I will be sure to refer them to your group.
Just an update. The day after I wrote, I was told that he had found someone else and it was true love. I spent most of the day crying and going for a walk and came to the conclusion that the thing I would miss the most was spending time with him. The few days we had spent together, we were inseparable and I really missed talking to him. So, when I came home that night I called him and we talked for a couple of hours and we have become best friends. I know that I can count on him to be there for me as a friend and I will also always be there for him.Relationships may come and go, but a true best friend will last forever. I really do wish him the best, and if this is what he truly wants then I am happy for him. I am still not sure if he is/was ready for a committed relationship so soon after his wife passing, but i will help him through whatever hard times he may go through.
I have been dating a widower on an off for 12 months. Me an my two son’s even moved in to his home. from day one we had to deal with his adult daughter’s. one living in the home the other in near by town with her own family. An photo’s of his dead wife. I became a slave to every one I never had time to myself cook,clean,homework,babysitting his grand an great grand kids is i refused he got up set. his daughter who lived at home was always telling me an my children what to do. I informed him of what his family was putting me an my childern w through. he said it was their mothers home an if I didnt like it me an my boy’s could leave. after beind told to leave several time. I found a home of our own. he said that I abandond him he felt all alone. We saw each other for about three months on an off but it was just for sex. couldnt take it any longer. had to move on. the sad part about it is that I do love him very much cain’t seem to get him out of my mind. He say’s he love me but feels as though he is cheeting on his wife.
I’ve been dating a widower for six months now, who was my first boyfriend 26 years prior. His wife battled ten long years of brain tumors, memory loss, and numerous other problems. In those years he took care of her and their four children, and felt a big sense of loss of not having anything to do when she was gone. He got in contact with me only three months after her death and we started dating a month later. I felt this was too soon so I tried to keep my distance, but he was so persuasive and already having a relationship with him before made it too easy to start it over again. His push/pull has been so different then most on this site. He pulls me in with thoughts of marriage only to say, he’s not ready. What a freakin’ trip! I told him not to mention marriage, but he still consistently says it to me. Then he tells me I need to be patient which I clearly don’t understand because I am the most patient person, I haven’t asked anything of him. In fact when he mentions marriage I don’t even respond with interest (although I am), because I know he still needs time. In another month it will be a year, which seems to be his mark. He has told me over and over again, “After a year things will be better”. Like what does a year have to do with anything? Some people need more time to grieve, and I suspect he is one of them because he hasn’t changed anything in the house. Her ghost lives everywhere. He hasn’t cleaned out her closet, bathroom, and bedroom, the places that are most important to me. I haven’t pushed the issue, but have asked him why he hasn’t done it. His response is that he hasn’t had the time. Time???… Yes he has!!! I know our relationship happened too soon and I feel like I’m just the warm body he wishes he had back next to him. I don’t know what to do. A part of me wants to let it go, but I love him so dearly. He says that his love is different then most men and that he loves me so much with a different kind of love than he’s ever experienced, but his actions don’t always prove that. He says he is over his late wife and his thoughts are totally all about me now, but how do I know that? How could they be? I know he struggled a long time with a sick woman and finally has some happiness in his life, but I’m not sure about this patient thing. He never has really said what that’s all about. I usually spend every weekend with him, but now I’m thinking I shouldn’t give him that, and that he needs to grieve alone. Is he going to snap one day and tell me to take a hike? What should I do? I probably haven’t given enough background on this issue, but I hope it’s enough to get a thought in!
Thanks ladies!
Joleena, I am not an expert or the moderator of this group, but I feel your pain and I think most of us that visited this site have. I have been now with my widower for almost a year and there is a constant internal battle of emotions. We go through these cycles of having a great day together and then have a bad one and then having a “talk”. His wife passed away about 16 months ago and yes, he has cleaned out most of her belongings, but still hasn’t truly moved on. He even admits he’s not the person he used to be and it breaks my heart that I only get half of who he is. I think because of the situation I hold a lot of insecurities and although he may say things, I don’t believe them and that seems to be your situation as well. I wish I had the answers and I wish I knew what to tell you because the last year has been such an emotional rollercoaster for my self and like you I have been “patient” and along for the ride but really wonder sometimes what the heck am I doing!
Betsy, thanks so much for your input. This relationship is by far the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life, and believe me I’ve been through it all. I finally told my widower the other night that we are going to have a serious “talk” about our future on March 15th. Yep I’m giving him his year (February) that he says he needs for his kids and his late wife’s family, but after that I need to know where we are headed. I’m not going to spend another year or two as he tries to figure things out only to find out late in the game that I was never a part of his future. I ended a 19 year dead marriage this past year, and I too have four children who need me for comfort and I can honestly say that I am not ready for marriage myself. There are things that I need to work out for myself and my kids, so I am working double the wammy! I also find it a lot harder on children of divorce than children of a parent who has died, only because the child of divorce has to accept a new step parent in their life while still maintaining a good relationship with their parent. A child who lost a parent may feel guilty accepting a new step parent, but doesn’t have the battle of making everyone happy. I totally understand that I do not know what it’s like to loose your life partner, but I can sympathize with him whole heartedly, which I have. I just would like the truth in knowing my place in his heart. What is so wrong with that? He really doesn’t seem to be holding on to his late wife, but at the same time he’s holding on to something. So darn confusing and frustrating. Again, thank you so much for your support. I wish someone could tell me that things are going to work out great, but… I know! …. what the heck am I doing?!
)
Hi all,
This is an interesting website. I’m not too experienced with dating a widower, but I do have a small story to share.
I was recently dating a nice man who’s wife passed away about 10 months (prior to him asking me out). I am 35 and he is 50. I have never dated anyone this much older than me but I’m always open to try new things.
His son and my son are good friends at school, so that is how we met. The day after New Years he called me up and asked if I wanted to go to the movies. Now I hadn’t dated anyone since 2001 – because of a bad experience and then I went back to school. So I immediately said yes. I thought it was nice of him to call and ask and I thought it would be nice to get out and have some adult time.
I could tell when we were out on our date that he was somewhat interested in me because of the questions he was asking me (such as: why is a pretty women like yourself still single?, etc.). Anyways after our date he asked if I would like to go out again – and I said sure. Because honestly I had a good time – I enjoyed his company and was happy to have some adult time.
Our next date he took me to the movies again. After the movie ended we were walking to the car. He all of a sudden came up to me and kissed me! I was really caught off guard by this. I assumed that because it had only been 10 months since his wife passed and his first date in about 20 years that he would want to take things slow and just enjoy the night. On our third date (and maybe I shouldn’t have let it get that far) he took me to see a play and have dinner. I explained to him on this date that considering both of our situations we really need to take things slow – get to know each other as friends and see how it develops from there. He said fine, but was curious how slow I wanted to go. That question was funny and I found to be typical of a man to ask but I went along with it and told him “how ever long it takes”. I said I was in no rush and just want to enjoy our nights out and have fun. I also said that I wasn’t ready to jump into any kind of relationship or commitment. He also expressed how he would like for things to progress saying that he was interested in sex. Looking back this was a red flag that I ignored.
On our next date, he took me to see another play and had some dinner. The restaurant we ate also had hotel rooms (Hotel Mac is the name of it) – its very nice. And he kept passing hints on how he “hears” the rooms here are very nice. But I just ignored those comments. On our last date he made a proposal to me – to take me out to see “Enchanted” the play – and afterwards go get a hotel room for the day (not night, but day) in a City that was about 15 mins from where we live. I was totally shocked by this. He said it was no obligation and it was my decision – but yet he kept bringing it up all night and I was feeling pressure from it. I just told him I would think about it, but wasn’t sure if it was the right time.
Long story short, I thought about it and felt this whole situation was wrong to begin with and was being rushed by him. I look now and I think I got caught up in the moment of going out and enjoying adult company, but I thought I was pretty honest about how I felt. I called him up the next day and ended it saying it was better that we stay friends only. He said fine, and admitted that he was looking for a relationship. but it was obvious he wasn’t fine with it.
I feel bad that I entered something that I now know I shouldn’t have. I had never dated a widower before and one that was so much older than me. I went in knowing that this was a delicate situation and I tried to be sensitive to his feelings – but I just felt the whole time we were dating that he was in such a rush and for what I have no idea. Maybe to find a new wife? Not sure….
Any thoughts? Was I wrong? Did I not handle this right? Be gentle…I’m a newbie at this!
Thanks,
Jenny
Hello. I came upon this website after finally deciding to look for some information on dating a widower. I began dating B 10 months ago. We met during an evening out with mutual friends, but it wasn’t a setup by them. His wife had passed away suddenly and unexpectedly 7 months prior to our meeting. I had just gotten out of an abusive marriage 5 months prior. He is 15 years older than I and has a 16 yr old daughter. I have three kids, 9 and 3 yr old twins. Neither one of us were looking for someone or even wanted to get into the dating world when we met. However, we hit it off so well, we went to dinner a week after we met. We became friends and have great chemisty. We had a brief break after 3 months; he said he had to see other people and couldn’t be with me-this happened the week of his wife’s birthday. Three weeks later I had a divorce party with friends and he showed up asking for me back. After a few days of a LOT of talking on both our parts, I decided to take him back. We have been together since. We weathered the 1 yr of her death with relative ease and continued our routine of going out twice a week. Recently he has become more and more distant. I finally talked to him, figuring that we were both in this relationship and I don’t want to spend so much energy and time if there is no potential for the long term. Don’t get me wrong, I’m NOT ready for marriage, but I am only 31 and don’t want to be alone forever. In the 10 months we’ve been together, we have only spent 1 night together-New Year’s Eve. We are both committed to our kids so I haven’t been too worried about that. However, our children have rarely been together and we have never eaten a meal with all 6 of us together. It just seems odd. I love him very much and he is the best man I have ever been with in the way that he treats me and just the human being he is. In the beginning he would say things about a future when we would both be in the kitchen cooking or whatnot, but we have not had a discussion that eluded to a positive future together since Christmas. Spring was their favorite time of year and he told me that it has just been a bad few weeks, but I miss him. I feel like I am his yo-yo, being pulled close only to be pushed away again. I am trying not to overanalyze and just be, but I am still having doubts about my place in his heart and life. I told him that I felt like he was taking me for granted. He obviously felt bad about that. I am trying to just enjoy him and not worry about it and we had a blast last time we went out. It felt unstrained and easy again. So, I am overall completely lost here and just thankful that I have found this sight which tells me that my relationship is not unusual and maybe we can all get some strength knowing we aren’t the only one going through this.