Dealing With Your Boyfriend’s Guy Friends
July 2, 2009 by Kelli DesRochers
Filed under Relationships
Sometimes it’s hard to decipher your relationship with your boyfriend’s guy friends. A lot of times your natural instinct results in some bad behavior, but if you determine the balance in the situation then you can keep the situation under control. There are lots of elements that make this a delicate situation, but I think that it’s very important to address it correctly to ensure a good balance in your relationship.
- Gaining Approval – You obviously want the guy friends to like you. You know their opinion matters, so you want it to be a positive one. But the stress that comes with that usually makes it really difficult to act yourself around them. Focus on being relaxed and don’t go overboard with trying to impress them. A small impression is better than a bad one, so don’t work too hard at getting them to like you…you will end up not acting like yourself. If you are loving and good to your boyfriend, then their approval is irrelevant.
- Possessiveness – A lot of times you will feel like you want your boyfriend all to yourself. Why does he need time with his friends without you? Can’t you all hangout together? It is a healthy part of a relationship to develop some independence. There are things that he enjoys with the guys that you probably don’t enjoy in the same way, so give him space. You will want some times with your girlfriends without him around as well!
- Detective Work – Be careful not to use your boyfriend’s friends as a way to find out about his exes and his past. If he hasn’t shared something with you, then it’s not a good idea to try to find out from his friends…it will just create a completely messy situation for everyone involved. Their loyalty is to him not you, so everyone will be confused and angry and suspicious. Yes, they have probably known him for a long time and know lots of tidbits about him that you will never know, but leave the past in the past.
The relationship you have with your boyfriend’s guy friends is important to maintain in a healthy and balanced way. Most importantly just love your boyfriend for being a good friend to his friends by respecting his time alone with them.
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I know that you wrote that “If you are loving and good to your boyfriend, then their approval is irrelevant”, so my question goes a little further. What if you tried to be cool with his friends, but due to issues that he has and the way he was raised, he tends to surround himself with a bad group of friends? I tried to be cool with his friends and respect their friendship, but then I realized that they didn’t respect our relationship. His friends smoke weed and don’t have jobs. He knew that I didn’t approve of habitual marijuana use (they smoke it daily) and he was trying to quit. I feel that if they were good friends (regardless of their personal issues) that they would respect him enough to at least not do it around him. Yet not only would they still do it when he would hang out with them, but they would urge and push him to do it as well. Most times he would be good and say no, but sometimes he wouldn’t be strong enough and come back home with blood-shot eyes and other symptoms of use. We would argue and of course now I resent his friends.
What should I do about that? What can I do? He’s currently in a live-in program to get straight and hopefully rid himself of the cravings, but I don’t know what to do. I’m afraid that when he comes out of the program that he’ll fall into the same situation again if he surrounds himself with these same friends.
My argument with him was always that I didn’t care who he hung out with as long as they didn’t have a negative impact on him or our relationship. I felt that if they cared about maintaining a relationship/friendship with him then they would respect the fact that he was trying to quit and smoke around the time that they would hang out (either before he was there or after he’d leave. preferably after so that he wouldn’t smell the marijuana in the room)
But I don’t know.. What do you think? Am I wrong for feeling the way or thinking the way I do? I’m open to and will respect any thoughts or opinions.
First of all I want to say that you have been an amazing girlfriend. It sounds like you have really had a positive impact on your boyfriend’s life by encouraging him to quit his marijuana use. You have been understanding and supportive and that is extremely healthy and important.
But now it sounds like it is getting harder. I think that the concerns that you are having about your boyfriend’s friends are completely valid and you should know that you are completely right in thinking what you have been. Where you have helped to guide your boyfriend towards a more healthy lifestyle, they show a lack of maturity and complete selfishness by encouraging him to engage in something that he is trying to quit. You are right…that is not a good friend.
You need to realize that you have been supportive and loving and have done all that you can to help your boyfriend, so you also have the right to be really serious with him about the situation. If you want to be with a drug-free boyfriend then you need to tell him. You care about him too much to watch him go back and forth between using and not using. Don’t threaten him or make him choose between you or his friends, but do be straightforward about your need for him to quit using permanently.
You are strong and healthy and you deserve to be with someone who shares those life goals with you. You have the ability to walk away from this relationship if you don’t feel that he is also being strong and healthy.
Talk to your boyfriend about the seriousness of the situation. If he wants to move forward with his life then he will see that he should leave those bad habits behind. Don’t let his hang-ups hold you back and keep upsetting you. You have dealt with the situation so far with an amazing level of maturity and I hope that you continue to do so.
I wish the best to you and your boyfriend.
Hi Kelli,
I truly appreciate your comments. They were very well-spoken and insightful. You hit the nail on the head, I do truly care about him. Everything you said was right and true. I know I deserve to be with someone who shares my life goals and respects my morals.
It’s hard to not give ultimatums though. I’ve pretty much told him that I wanted to move forward and have a healthy relationship and that he was either going to get on board this train or be left behind. I can’t deal with the heartache or arguments.
I told him that love isn’t about just telling someone that you love them it is about “showing” them that you love them. I love him enough to want the best for him. I set up boundaries and didn’t give in and it led him to actually go into a live-in drug rehab program. It’s sponsored by a church and they teach him daily about God too. So in a sense, for me, it’s killing two birds with one stone. I’m very proud of him for going and he’s been there about 3 weeks now.
He says he hasn’t been craving it anymore and that he realizes that it’s not worth losing me or the kids over it. He still has 3 months and a week until he completes the program. I told him if he completed it, then I would let him move back in with me.
It’s not even a matter of him not wanting to smoke weed. For him since he’s smoked it for so long and , before I met him, on a daily basis that he reacts to it the same as a person would react to a stronger drug such as crank or cocaine. He fiended for it, would purposely cause an argument with me just so that he could leave and do it with his friends, and go through withdrawals. Anger, violence, paranoia. I can’t take it anymore and I don’t feel that I should have to.
I guess my question is how do I tell him that I don’t want him hanging around the same friends that are living the lifestyle that he is trying to put behind him, without coming off as controlling? What should I say? I don’t want to threaten or give him choices, but I don’t know what else to do?
Kelli, please give me some insight and suggestions. I’d truly appreciate and respect anything that you can suggest. Thank you!