Discipline – is spanking really all that bad?
March 11, 2009 by Jennifer Walker-Journey
Filed under Parenting
My family had lunch with my friend Suzanne and her crew the other day. The last time I saw her was two years ago, when Truman and I drove two hours to her small town to visit with her and her two boys. Truman was barely 3 then and he tornadoed through their house, destroying a lamp and nearly giving her 2-year-old a concussion when he lobbed a toy across the room, narrowly missing the little tike. That was bad enough, but when Truman threw one of his stellar temper tantrums and swung his arms at me, actually making contact with my head, Suzanne was visibly appalled. And true to her form, she told me so. How could I let my son do such a thing?
I drove home in tears while Truman slept in the back seat. I’ve never claimed to be a perfect parent, but surely I wasn’t a complete failure. Why couldn’t I contain my son’s outbursts, or at the very least, keep him from beating the crap out of me? We never got calls from preschool about his behavior, and he rarely turned violent against my husband. I was his favorite punching bag.
Suzanne called the next week to tell me that she had told her friend how my son decked me and asked her friend (whom she called a perfect mother) how she would handle such an outburst. Suzanne agreed with her friend that I should “snatch him up so fast and teach him a lesson,” or something like that. I forget the actual words but the image that came to mind was the same. I said weakly, “But, I scolded him and I spanked him.” I’m not sure what made me more upset – knowing she shared my plight with a complete stranger or hearing her bring up my failure as a mother once again.
Perhaps that is why I began to shy away from my good friend Suzanne. It was my fault, really. I needed to get a tougher skin – both as a mother and a disciplinarian. I actually called my pediatrician during this time – shortly after a rabid temper tantrum at the grocery store that landed me a few scratches on the cheek. My doctor was unsympathetic. He said, “You’re stronger than him. Just make him stop. Say no! Be firm and assertive.” But how? How could I hold down his flailing arms and haul him out of a grocery store? How do I raise my voice above his wails without bursting the veins in my neck? Sounds easy until you live it.
We eventually resolved this issue – somewhat – through education. I know, stellar concept. I have to admit that I listened to Dr. Phil and “defined my child’s currency,” the stuff my child seemed to most value. And when he misbehaved, we took that thing away. At that time we would take away his cars or, when he acted up just before bedtime, cuddle time with Mommy. (That was more difficult for me, I think!)
Even though Dr. Phil tends to get on my nerves, he does offer good “Steps to Disciplining Your Kids.” And I especially appreciate the “Age-Appropriate Discipline Techniques.” If you are a less-than-perfect parent like I am, then you should check out those pointers.
Anyway, thanks to the glories of Facebook, I reacquainted with my old friend Suzanne a few months ago. I was really happy to do so, because we shared an enjoyable history in our single years. We maintained that friendship while she lived outside the country and in faraway (and not-so-faraway) states. And now that she was back in Alabama – albeit two hours away – there was no reason why my insecurities should squash a perfectly fine friendship. She called the other day to say her family was coming in town for the circus and did we want to get together? So we met for lunch.
As we sat around the table, our boys sandwiched in the booth and doing things that boys do, Suzanne turned to me and confided, “Joseph is a terror. An absolute terror!” This, the boy my son nearly gave a concussion two years prior. She said he was active and aggressive – nothing like her older son, who was a complete cherub. I told her I understood. Truman had always been that way and, thankfully, had grown out of his vicious temper tantrums. Suzanne said when her boys misbehave, “I threaten my boys with the wooden spoon. And it works!”
I figured threatening a child with a wooden spoon wouldn’t work unless then child knew what kind of pain a wooden spoon could inflict. She said of course they knew. She had no qualms about spanking her boys with the spoon if they got out of hand. Granted, she said, she used a gentle hand. She wasn’t beating the kids, by any means. Not inflicting real physical pain. She said it caused more hurt feelings than anything else.
I recall as a child my father’s leather belt. I’m not sure if my sister and I ever were spanked with it or if it was the notion of being spanked with it that riddled us with fear. We were, indeed, spanked by hand as children. Neither my sister nor I appeared to have been damaged by the physical discipline. And neither of us has gone on to find pleasure in spankings as adults, as some sources claim. Ummm…
My husband, too, was spanked as a child, so we didn’t mind using it as a punishment for our own son. I think it ultimately pained us more to give them than for our son to receive them. But we quickly learned that spankings often made him laugh while taking away the Hotwheels brought pathetic bawls and pleads for improved behavior.
I didn’t think twice about the wooden spoon comment from my friend Suzanne until a week after our lunch. She called one morning to say she jolted awake the previous night worried that I’d share her Spoon Discipline secret on my blog. I laughed and said “paybacks are hell.” But I also promised I would assure readers that she isn’t a child beater.
I know the trend these days is to steer clear of physical punishment for children, but as my friend Emily tells me, different children react to different types of punishment. One of her boys responds to spankings while the other seems to listen better when she threatens to take away his game time.
I’m curious to hear how other parents approach discipline for children. Do you spank your kids? Do you use another effective means to discipline? Why or why not?
(photo: Flickr, HA! Designs)
Awesome article we all got spanked when we were young and we turned out fine. The time of tantrums will pass and then another great stage will begin.
People get so worked up when someone starts talking about spanking. It’s become the taboo thing to do somehow. Your friend Emily hit it on the nose. Different kids respond differently to different punishments. What I don’t understand is how short sighted people are. Take a look at kids from say, 60 years ago and today. Which kids are more respectful of authority, less self-centered, better behaved? The kids from 40 years ago of course, when people understood that spanking in love is not cruel and unusual, but necessary for many children. We’re raising a generation of disrespectful kids who have little regard for others or authority. (This is a BIG generalization of course- there are obviously plenty of exceptions.)
I have thought about tackling this subject at one of my blogs but have shyed away from it because either people are so firmly for it or firmly against it. Usually the ones that are firmly against it are very hateful and judgmental. I’ve seen it a lot on other blogs.
Personally, I don’t see anything wrong with giving a child a swat on the hinny every now and then. You’re right. Every child is different. Two of mine are night and day. When I was a child, all you had to do was yell at me or tell me how disappointed you were and it would put me in tears.
So long as there is no physical abuse, I think it’s ok. I’ve heard about children being taken from their parents when all the parent did was spank them. These kinds of stories have put a lot of fear into parents and it shouldn’t be that way. A few months ago I met a social worker and asked her about spanking and children being taken away. She said she had no problem with spanking, that she spanked her kids, and if someone else thought they could do a better job, then to go ahead and take them from her. I’m sure she didn’t mean that so literally, but we really shouldn’t have to be so afraid of outsiders. Social services was developed to help those in need, not to put fear in us.
Amen Randa!!!
I was spanked. I am not a better or worse person for it. But my sisters and I all tell the stories about how we broke my mom’s spoons/brushes on our butts, and we think it’s funny now.
Exactly. Every kid is different. They respond differently to different types of discipline — and may respond differently at different ages as well, and differently to mommy and to daddy. I remember I hated a spanking from my dad more because I had disappointed him than because of the actual spanking. But I got to the age where I would much rather have a spanking, which would be over with quickly, than have something taken away like phone privileges.
The biggest problem with spanking is that it can be overdone by a parent who is angry or at their wit’s end. I know that happened when I was a kid; I remember broken hairbrushes and yardsticks and belt-welts on the legs. But I know at least with my daughter, sometimes a swift swat gets her attention like nothing else can, when something immediate is needed.
But we rely more on things like taking away dessert or TV watching or computer game privileges. The closer the punishment is to the crime, the better. Recently she had taken her Leapster game and its cartridges out of the carrying case and used it to play with something else, and lost a number of the cartridges. Until she found all the cartridges, we told her, she couldn’t play with the game. She was very motivated to find them and I think will think twice in the future about keeping it where it belongs.
Hi,
There is one great example of Albert Einstein which proves that it was actually love and supoort from his mother which helped him in his journey to become Genius of the Century.
Actually more than child first the Parents need to learn the Art of living(Vipassana) and then they can hope that their children will do so.
Today there is a very good facility to facilitate this and I think Vipassana is the remedy.First Parents should do this course and then they should send there childrens .Moreever its free and the technique is universal.
Here are the links to Vipassana Websites.
http://www.manda.dhamma.org/
http://www.dhamma.org/
Child buttock-battering for the purpose of gaining compliance is nothing more than an inherited bad habit.
Its a good idea for people to take a look at what they are doing, and learn how to DISCIPLINE instead of hit.
I think the reason why television shows like “Supernanny” and “Dr. Phil” are so popular is because that is precisely what many (not all) people are trying to do.
There are several reasons why child buttock-battering isn’t a good idea. Here are some good, quick reads recommended by professionals:
Plain Talk About Spanking
by Jordan Riak
The Sexual Dangers of Spanking Children
by Tom Johnson
NO VITAL ORGANS THERE, So They Say
by Lesli Taylor M.D., and Adah Maurer Ph.D.
Most compelling of all reasons to abandon this worst of all bad habits is the fact that buttock-battering can be unintentional sexual abuse for some children.
There is an abundance of educational literature, testimonies, documentation, etc available on the subject that can easily be found by doing a little research on the topic.
Just a handful of those trying to raise awareness of why child buttock-battering isn’t a good idea:
American Academy of Pediatrics
American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry
Center For Effective Discipline
PsycHealth Ltd Behavioral Health Professionals
Churches’ Network For Non-Violence
Nobel Peace Prize Recipient Archbishop Desmond Tutu (Global Initiative)
Parenting In Jesus’ Footsteps
United Nations Convention on the Rights of the Child
Global Initiative To End All Corporal Punishment of Children
Countries where child buttock-battering is prohibited by law:
Sweden, Finland, Norway, Austria, Cyprus, Italy, Denmark, Latvia, Croatia, Bulgaria, Germany, Israel, Iceland, Ukraine, Romania, Hungary, Greece, Netherlands, New Zealand, Portugal, Uruguay, Venezuela, Chile, Spain, Costa Rica, Republic of Moldova, and more in process.
In fact, the US was the only UN member that did not sign the Convention on the Rights of the Child.