Comments on: Divorce a “common side effect” of autism? http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/ Family, Health, Home and Lifestyles Tue, 01 Dec 2009 21:06:37 -0500 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: Jeni http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-564055 Jeni Sat, 29 Nov 2008 13:12:07 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-564055 AA: WOW I never said that the ex is autistic...I said "agoraphobic" because that's what he has been diagnosed with....however...you have me thinking now. Very well written post. Self-centered,forgetful, poor decision making skills, passive-aggressive, lack of empathy, demeaning and obsessive compulsive are just a few of his traits....my NT 16 year old is becoming more and more like him... my now 8 year old autistic son is a sweetheart and I still have to BEG Daddy to be more involved with him....he shows up for a school meeting here and there for show. Grandparents are still paying for SOME therapy in my home but they don't understand ABA and want to scale back because Daddy (their son) told them it's a waste of time. What nerve! See what I have to deal with...they don't see the behaviors I am trying to correct with ABA so they don't think its necessary! How myopic can you get. Any, perhaps Daddy is on the spectrum or mentally ill... WHATEVER the case,his parents enable him still, and he lacks the ability to take care of people. He certainly couldn't take care of my emotional needs. I don't know why I married him, but I was young and I guess blind! AA:
WOW I never said that the ex is autistic…I said “agoraphobic” because that’s what he has been diagnosed with….however…you have me thinking now. Very well written post.
Self-centered,forgetful, poor decision making skills, passive-aggressive, lack of empathy, demeaning and obsessive compulsive are just a few of his traits….my NT 16 year old is becoming more and more like him…
my now 8 year old autistic son is a sweetheart and I still have to BEG Daddy to be more involved with him….he shows up for a school meeting here and there for show. Grandparents are still paying for SOME therapy in my home but they don’t understand ABA and want to scale back because Daddy (their son) told them it’s a waste of time. What nerve! See what I have to deal with…they don’t see the behaviors I am trying to correct with ABA so they don’t think its necessary! How myopic can you get.
Any, perhaps Daddy is on the spectrum or mentally ill… WHATEVER the case,his parents enable him still, and he lacks the ability to take care of people. He certainly couldn’t take care of my emotional needs. I don’t know why I married him, but I was young and I guess blind!

]]> By: Kristina Chew, PhD http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-564972 Kristina Chew, PhD Sat, 29 Nov 2008 06:14:31 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-564972 @Jeni, Obviously I am way overdue writing back----Charlie having autism has been, unconsciously, a sort of catalyst for a lot of family "stuff." One thing that has become apparent is that denial can lurk very deeply in a family........ @Jeni, Obviously I am way overdue writing back—-Charlie having autism has been, unconsciously, a sort of catalyst for a lot of family “stuff.” One thing that has become apparent is that denial can lurk very deeply in a family……..

]]> By: A A http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-564966 A A Sat, 29 Nov 2008 04:21:06 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-564966 I had an autistic husband like Jeni's above. Childlike, unrealistic, couldn't do anything for himself. So self-centered he made a poor parent over long periods - he would burn out on care and not be able to multitask. His parents were glad that I took him onto my back - I realized too late that he was too heavy for me to carry. Then I had a kid to deal with on top of the childlike dad. I don't want to "enable" the son to be like his dad. It's OK to have vulnerabilitites and problems. We are all born different. How we survive in life to take that into account is important, though. The hopeless father wants more custody but the chaos he brings into our lives by forgetting/losing/not caring/dodging responsibility/not paying attention to safety issues is nothing short of crazymaking and in spite of this, it is actually a challenge to represent this in court. Because a healthy spouse enables the autistic one in order not to risk bad effects on the kid. This allows the autistic one to keep sailing along with the habitual cushion keeping them from hitting cold hard reality - because who wants one's own child to hit the concrete sidewalk? You will do anything to prevent this, so you run along behind them picking up all the junk they drop in their heedless path through life. Check out this article: http://www.aspires-relationships.com/articles_high_conflict_and_as.htm I had an autistic husband like Jeni’s above.
Childlike, unrealistic, couldn’t do anything for himself. So self-centered he made a poor parent over long periods – he would burn out on care and not be able to multitask.
His parents were glad that I took him onto my back – I realized too late that he was too heavy for me to carry. Then I had a kid to deal with on top of the childlike dad. I don’t want to “enable” the son to be like his dad. It’s OK to have vulnerabilitites and problems. We are all born different. How we survive in life to take that into account is important, though. The hopeless father wants more custody but the chaos he brings into our lives by forgetting/losing/not caring/dodging responsibility/not paying attention to safety issues is nothing short of crazymaking and in spite of this, it is actually a challenge to represent this in court. Because a healthy spouse enables the autistic one in order not to risk bad effects on the kid. This allows the autistic one to keep sailing along with the habitual cushion keeping them from hitting cold hard reality – because who wants one’s own child to hit the concrete sidewalk? You will do anything to prevent this, so you run along behind them picking up all the junk they drop in their heedless path through life.
Check out this article:
http://www.aspires-relationships.com/articles_high_conflict_and_as.htm

]]> By: The Juggle - WSJ.com : Does Having a Special-Needs Child Strain Marriage? http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-561922 The Juggle - WSJ.com : Does Having a Special-Needs Child Strain Marriage? Tue, 25 Nov 2008 13:37:05 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-561922 [...] having a special-needs child is a ticket to divorce court is anathema to some families. It was a subject of debate last year on a blog on the autismvox.com Web site, where many posters said that dealing with autism had made their marriages stronger. Indeed, the [...] [...] having a special-needs child is a ticket to divorce court is anathema to some families. It was a subject of debate last year on a blog on the autismvox.com Web site, where many posters said that dealing with autism had made their marriages stronger. Indeed, the [...]

]]> By: Regan http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-558828 Regan Sun, 10 Aug 2008 21:18:45 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-558828 I am (still) not quite sure where the 80-85% divorce figure comes from without citation, but here are a few references on the matter. As noted in the Pediatrics paper, there is limited research (or at least not easily located), and somewhat inconclusive. This seems to make sense, since even looking at general population statistics on divorce, there is disparity on the reported numbers and factors. Higgins, D.J., Bailey, S.R., Pearce, J.C. (2005) Factors associated with functioning style and coping strategies of families with a child with an autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 9, 125-137. " (...) Impact of ASD on family functioning A total of 87 percent of the primary care providers of the children with ASD in this study indicated that they were in a stable relationship, with 83 percent of their partners being the other parent of the child with ASD. Seventy-six percent of the primary care providers indicated that they had never been separated or divorced. (...)" Montes, G., Halterman, J.S. (2007). Psychological functioning and coping among mothers of children with autism: A population-based study. Pediatrics, 119(5), e1040-e1046 "(...) Research on the impact of having a child with autism on the probability of divorce is inconclusive.[1,11,12] Although not focused on psychological functioning, one population-based study [13] found that children with autism in the United States were equally represented in 2-parent families compared with children without autism.(...)" referencing: 1. Higgins DJ, Bailey SR, Pearce JC. Factors associated with functioning style and coping strategies of families with a child with an autism spectrum disorder. Autism. 2005;9 :125 –127 11. Hayes VE. Families and children's chronic conditions: knowledge development and methodological considerations. Sch Inq Nurs Pract. 1997;11 :259 –284 12. Hecimovic A, Powell TH, Christensen L. Supporting families in meeting their needs. In Zager DB, ed. Autism: Identification, Education and Treatment. 2nd ed. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum; 1999:261 –299 13. Montes G, Halterman J. Characteristics of school-age children with autism in the United States. J Dev Behav Pediatr. 2006;27 :379 –385 This is not discounting variables of parental stress or marital disruption which were reported as elevated. I am (still) not quite sure where the 80-85% divorce figure comes from without citation, but here are a few references on the matter. As noted in the Pediatrics paper, there is limited research (or at least not easily located), and somewhat inconclusive. This seems to make sense, since even looking at general population statistics on divorce, there is disparity on the reported numbers and factors.

Higgins, D.J., Bailey, S.R., Pearce, J.C. (2005) Factors associated with functioning style and coping strategies of families with a child with an autism spectrum disorder. Autism, 9, 125-137.
” (…) Impact of ASD on family functioning
A total of 87 percent of the primary care providers of the children with
ASD in this study indicated that they were in a stable relationship, with 83 percent of their partners being the other parent of the child with ASD.
Seventy-six percent of the primary care providers indicated that they had
never been separated or divorced. (…)”

Montes, G., Halterman, J.S. (2007). Psychological functioning and coping among mothers of children with autism: A population-based study. Pediatrics, 119(5), e1040-e1046
“(…) Research on the impact of having a child with autism on the probability of divorce is inconclusive.[1,11,12] Although not focused on psychological functioning, one population-based study [13] found that children with autism in the United States were equally represented in 2-parent families compared with children without autism.(…)”

referencing:
1. Higgins DJ, Bailey SR, Pearce JC. Factors associated with functioning style and coping strategies of families with a child with an autism spectrum disorder. Autism. 2005;9 :125 –127
11. Hayes VE. Families and children’s chronic conditions: knowledge development and methodological considerations. Sch Inq Nurs Pract. 1997;11 :259 –284
12. Hecimovic A, Powell TH, Christensen L. Supporting families in meeting their needs. In Zager DB, ed. Autism: Identification, Education and Treatment. 2nd ed. Mahwah, NJ: Erlbaum; 1999:261 –299
13. Montes G, Halterman J. Characteristics of school-age children with autism in the United States. J Dev Behav Pediatr. 2006;27 :379 –385

This is not discounting variables of parental stress or marital disruption which were reported as elevated.

]]> By: Jeni http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-2/#comment-550375 Jeni Sun, 10 Aug 2008 20:16:05 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-550375 Patty and loves choc milk and Kristina Read my posts from last November. Now, having read your stories....please contact me for support. My ex-laws are still in denial/shame/blame...they have a lot of $$ and have offered to pay to "cure him".... they donated money to help us get a "special ed lawyer" who in the end did nothing for us... that was a year before the divorce. They always used their $$ to "help" their son...what happened? They raised a son who never finished college, and for the last few years of our marriage, didn't work for 6 years because he was tired of working. He was 40 at the time. I don't want the ex-laws money, but I do let them pay for my other children's college. They are known to help community members in need and are very active in their church...have the autism sticker on their Cadillac and their Jaguar... all show! When it comes to facing the tragedy of their son's childs autism and his own divorce? It's like a cancer you don't talk about. They don't offer to take my son, who lives with me. They babysit for a few hours a month, if that. They watch him for the ex when he is "supposed" to have him every other weekend. I am the sole provider. Buying my son shoes once a year is not going to make an impact. I am the one who deals with him crying, his tantrum's, not sleeping, hitting himself, etc. When the ex has my son, I get called if he has a fever. He forgets to give him his prozac, and for 6 months my son was afraid of the shower after spending a weekend with Daddy. Never got to the root of that. Daddy goes to the gym instead of dealing with his son. Daddy couldn't deal with raising teen boys, having a wife who was the bread winner, having a wife who's elderly mother is schizophrenic...couldn't work because of his own "agoraphobia" and other issues....so he found a reason to leave. Does Did me a favor, I say! My son is doing okay, I lost my job this spring. and am home with him...meant to be, I think. Back to the Original Question: Is Divorce a Side Affect of Autism? Almost certain, if the relationship had underlying issues, secrets, denial, and shame. The shock of having your white picket fence life being shattered either renders you weaker or it makes you a survivor. I had a crappy childhood, so I am naturally one to get back up again. The spouse living the sheltered life CANNOT cope with autism, or mental illness, in my opinion. Patty and loves choc milk and Kristina
Read my posts from last November. Now, having read your stories….please contact me for support.
My ex-laws are still in denial/shame/blame…they have a lot of $$ and have offered to pay to “cure him”…. they donated money to help us get a “special ed lawyer” who in the end did nothing for us… that was a year before the divorce. They always used their $$ to “help” their son…what happened? They raised a son who never finished college, and for the last few years of our marriage, didn’t work for 6 years because he was tired of working. He was 40 at the time.
I don’t want the ex-laws money, but I do let them pay for my other children’s college. They are known to help community members in need and are very active in their church…have the autism sticker on their Cadillac and their Jaguar… all show! When it comes to facing the tragedy of their son’s childs autism and his own divorce? It’s like a cancer you don’t talk about. They don’t offer to take my son, who lives with me. They babysit for a few hours a month, if that. They watch him for the ex when he is “supposed” to have him every other weekend. I am the sole provider. Buying my son shoes once a year is not going to make an impact. I am the one who deals with him crying, his tantrum’s, not sleeping, hitting himself, etc. When the ex has my son, I get called if he has a fever. He forgets to give him his prozac, and for 6 months my son was afraid of the shower after spending a weekend with Daddy. Never got to the root of that. Daddy goes to the gym instead of dealing with his son. Daddy couldn’t deal with raising teen boys, having a wife who was the bread winner, having a wife who’s elderly mother is schizophrenic…couldn’t work because of his own “agoraphobia” and other issues….so he found a reason to leave. Does Did me a favor, I say! My son is doing okay, I lost my job this spring. and am home with him…meant to be, I think.
Back to the Original Question: Is Divorce a Side Affect of Autism? Almost certain, if the relationship had underlying issues, secrets, denial, and shame. The shock of having your white picket fence life being shattered either renders you weaker or it makes you a survivor. I had a crappy childhood, so I am naturally one to get back up again. The spouse living the sheltered life CANNOT cope with autism, or mental illness, in my opinion.

]]> By: Kristina Chew, PhD http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-1/#comment-560622 Kristina Chew, PhD Sun, 10 Aug 2008 19:08:48 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-560622 <i>Thank you</i> for venting----we lived with my in-laws last year due to the school situation for my son and it was very, extremely difficult on us. Do you ever get a "break"? Thank you for venting—-we lived with my in-laws last year due to the school situation for my son and it was very, extremely difficult on us. Do you ever get a “break”?

]]> By: loves chocolate milk http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-1/#comment-557049 loves chocolate milk Sun, 10 Aug 2008 18:40:53 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-557049 We have little-to-no contact with either side of our family. On my spouses side, there is a scholarly neuroscientist/writer; several PhDs/MDs; many teachers and therapists. On my side there are MDs and health professionals; business leaders (some excelling with their 'disabilities'); scientists; and a bunch of ... retired [very] well-off people. They have all pretty much unilaterally shunned us. It's actually kind of humorous considering the charity work they've all done and esp. those who think they were at the forefront of the US civil rights movement -- as they couldn't be bigger bigots if they tried ;] We have little-to-no contact with either side of our family. On my spouses side, there is a scholarly neuroscientist/writer; several PhDs/MDs; many teachers and therapists. On my side there are MDs and health professionals; business leaders (some excelling with their ‘disabilities’); scientists; and a bunch of … retired [very] well-off people. They have all pretty much unilaterally shunned us. It’s actually kind of humorous considering the charity work they’ve all done and esp. those who think they were at the forefront of the US civil rights movement — as they couldn’t be bigger bigots if they tried ;]

]]> By: Patty http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-1/#comment-557023 Patty Sun, 10 Aug 2008 17:32:34 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-557023 I am a 40 year old dedicated stay at home mother to two beautiful boys and married over 16 years. We have a son with Aspergers and severe mood disorder, bipolar. He is 11. We have a younger 5 yr old son as well without PDD but he does have some sensory issues. Our marriage suffers tremendously from this, because HIS family is steeped in anger, shame, blame and denial.(old world mentality) They are nonsupportive and criticize us and question us constantly and deny the doctors can be "right" that it's behavioral. We've gone out of our way to explain, give books, information from websites, and even had my inlaws come to 2 different appts with us to see and hear for themselves, but they still are unable and unwilling to get that this is a condition our son will have for LIFE. Due to the major stress, my husband has become a compulsive spender with charge cards and frequents internet adult sites, we also sleep in seperate rooms because I AM physically and emotionally DRAINED after each and every day. My husband spoils our special son too as well as my mom in law, thinking it will "make him happy" My husband has verbally and emotionally been abusive, and has raged at our son, and is quite egocentric. I almost filed for divorce in Jan 08, but then took it back due to fear(panic attack actually) of how our boys will react and be devastated not having 2 parents around to bring them up. My husband has betrayed my trust(hid $ from me and still lies about it) and now just borrowed money from his mom to alleviate the $ burden HE placed on our family due to hobby spending on his charge card. I would think the divorce rate IS sky high with special needs children WHEN the husband CAN'T cope and gets abusive or shuts you out #1 and also when extended family is NON ACCEPTING and/or BLAMING on the MOM especially! they don't want to hear why my son physically assaults only me and his younger brother. They also can't accept he is on meds, abilify and lamictal. Needed to vent, and need to know if other moms are on the verge and how to cope with in-laws who blame and deny AND husband who can't cope. My husband actually had a physical fight with his sister and they wrestled on her floor over this! I'm getting ill over all this and for now have decided to 100% detach from them. My husband and I do go for therapy, but with limited change on hubby's end. He puts on the pity trip and says he needs a "break." Thanks for letting me vent and share my pain. I am a 40 year old dedicated stay at home mother to two beautiful boys and married over 16 years. We have a son with Aspergers and severe mood disorder, bipolar. He is 11. We have a younger 5 yr old son as well without PDD but he does have some sensory issues. Our marriage suffers tremendously from this, because HIS family is steeped in anger, shame, blame and denial.(old world mentality) They are nonsupportive and criticize us and question us constantly and deny the doctors can be “right” that it’s behavioral. We’ve gone out of our way to explain, give books, information from websites, and even had my inlaws come to 2 different appts with us to see and hear for themselves, but they still are unable and unwilling to get that this is a condition our son will have for LIFE. Due to the major stress, my husband has become a compulsive spender with charge cards and frequents internet adult sites, we also sleep in seperate rooms because I AM physically and emotionally DRAINED after each and every day. My husband spoils our special son too as well as my mom in law, thinking it will “make him happy” My husband has verbally and emotionally been abusive, and has raged at our son, and is quite egocentric. I almost filed for divorce in Jan 08, but then took it back due to fear(panic attack actually) of how our boys will react and be devastated not having 2 parents around to bring them up. My husband has betrayed my trust(hid $ from me and still lies about it) and now just borrowed money from his mom to alleviate the $ burden HE placed on our family due to hobby spending on his charge card.
I would think the divorce rate IS sky high with special needs children WHEN the husband CAN’T cope and gets abusive or shuts you out #1 and also when extended family is NON ACCEPTING and/or BLAMING on the MOM especially! they don’t want to hear why my son physically assaults only me and his younger brother. They also can’t accept he is on meds, abilify and lamictal. Needed to vent, and need to know if other moms are on the verge and how to cope with in-laws who blame and deny AND husband who can’t cope. My husband actually had a physical fight with his sister and they wrestled on her floor over this! I’m getting ill over all this and for now have decided to 100% detach from them. My husband and I do go for therapy, but with limited change on hubby’s end. He puts on the pity trip and says he needs a “break.” Thanks for letting me vent and share my pain.

]]> By: Caroline L. http://www.blisstree.com/articles/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/comment-page-1/#comment-554886 Caroline L. Wed, 30 Jul 2008 19:47:56 +0000 http://www.autismvox.com/divorce-a-common-side-effect-of-autism/#comment-554886 I just have to take a sec and respond to Mary. You are not alone and many dads/husbands 'deal' with these issues the same way. Kristina's husband is very involved and quite different from my own husband... it does not make me love him any less that he has trouble with all this stuff...we joke a lot about it and accept that each of us has skills the other does not. (I could not support us financially) we do often joke about the D-word and I always say that in the event of a divorce, its 50-50 and I dont mean money. (I mean custody!) the inability to look polished on a tight budget and no time is really demoralizing, I agree. I just have to take a sec and respond to Mary. You are not alone and many dads/husbands ‘deal’ with these issues the same way.

Kristina’s husband is very involved and quite different from my own husband…
it does not make me love him any less that he has trouble with all this stuff…we joke a lot about it and accept that each of us has skills the other does not. (I could not support us financially)

we do often joke about the D-word and I always say that in the event of a divorce, its 50-50 and I dont mean money. (I mean custody!)

the inability to look polished on a tight budget and no time is really demoralizing, I agree.

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