Do Unto Others….Doesn’t Always Pan Out
November 1, 2008 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
What do you want from your mate?
I have been thinking about this a lot lately because I am as close to shooting God the finger and riding off into the sunset as I have ever been in my adult life. I feel like not one of my needs is being met and no one cares. I feel alienated and alone. And the constant exhaustion has about done me in.
Six hours or less of sleep a day works when you are 18 not when you are 48. Besides, at 18 I took large doses of amphetamines which is not an option now…
Uh..is it?
So, lets get out the laundry list for today, shall we?
I feel like I have spent my entire life being tech support for other people and I am really good at that if I do say so myself. Have a bad day? I will instinctively know whether to push you into conversation or bake you a chocolate cake. Need some encouragement? I am pretty good at that, too. I am a great listener, and for someone who was never cool enough to be a cheerleader I have developed that skill over many years of asking God to work it in me.
In fact, as a wife and as a mom whenever I found myself lacking (often) in something my family needed I just prayed about it and eventually it appeared. I have gushed about Marc’s many accomplishments for years..in fact you can read some of that here. As much as I have tried to keep up with that blog I haven’t been able to as you can see. But there is a whole year of encouragement there that Marc can STILL go read whenever he wants. My children know they are brilliant, creative, and gifted..my daughters are aware of their beauty in a healthy way and my sons know that I respect and am proud of the men that they are becoming. It’s all good.
Until everything turns upside down and the support team becomes the front lines. Everyone still wants all of the support but noone knows how to cover my back. I feel like a Ninja woman in frenzied motion attacking and conquering everything that seeks to encroach on the perimeter while the rest of the family enjoys a relaxing evening of t.v and tiddly winks.
There were times during the Christmas rush when Marc was barely at home…I handled all the fun stuff with the kids and waited up until he got home to hear how his day was. I was enthusiastic..and from my point of view anyway, I was encouraging.
Today I said… The Antiques channel is doing really well. We are at nearly xxx hits a day. It has done so well this month that it has to be updated twice instead of once.
Marc’s response was not encouraging. He was thinking of the extra time it would take. I wanted to hear that I was doing a good job…I needed the proverbial attaboy! As Marc has said, he is crappy at reading people.
I can attest to that.
I took care of my parents. I was glad to do it. I have taken care of my kids, my home, my husband..and I have been glad to do it.
So now…who is going to take care of me….and be glad to do it? Who is going to be interested in me enough to know what I need and when and supply it?
The scripturally correct version is, of course, God. But let’s get past that a minute. Sometimes being scripturally correct is not so compassionate. Job’s friends, if you will recall were scripturally correct. And sometimes God expects humans to do their part too.
Who is going to do for me what I have been doing for everyone else my whole life?
More later..I think that is enough emotional vomit for right now.
image:vintage collection of Marye Audet
“I feel like a Ninja woman in frenzied motion attacking and conquering everything that seeks to encroach on the perimeter while the rest of the family enjoys a relaxing evening of t.v and tiddly winks.”
I completely understand. {{{marye}}}}
I could have just left it at that, but you knew I wouldn’t.
My similar feeling is more like I am expected to be the hero no matter what.
If there were a fire I would be expected to make sure everyone and every important thing made it to safety.
Then I would received criticism about how I did it wrong, took too long, had the wrong priorities, should have thought of XYZ and am expected to do better in the future.
So… maybe not-so-much the same things.
Had that conversation with the wifey just last eve. The mother/wife/enabler/techsupport/comforter/nurse IS taken for granted. No doubt about it.
And we ( husbands, children, mother-in-laws ) are miserable failures when it comes to reciprocity. No doubt about that either.
“…Then I would received criticism about how I did it wrong, took too long, had the wrong priorities, should have thought of XYZ and am expected to do better in the future…”
Now THAT is MY world….seems Ginger got her thought train mixed up with mine. Wonder how THAT happened?
IS it that you’re really completely depended upon – or that you FEEL you should be doing it?
A remarkable thing happens when you step back and relinquish control – others have the opportunity to rise to the occasion.
They may not and probably will not do it as you would – but it will be ok -a learning experience and everyone will move on.
Have you heard of the “big rocks” in the jar example? Life is so much more simple when we identify our “big rocks” and stop worrying about the sand.
Well Andrea, let’s see…in 16 months I have gone from sahm to full time work at home mom…the income is mostly dependent on me…I can’t step back there…
Marc is no longer allowed to drive and we have no other drivers, can’t step back there…Marc is havily involved in Royal Rangers with out boys and it is one of the things he really enjoys…I can’t just say nope..it is too hard to take you there…
Since he is on so much medication it can be difficult for him to follow through with the kids in their school.. I have stepped back some there but I can’t back out totally…
Cooking? Feeding a family of 8 in our income is a challenge…if I did cereal for breakfast (easy) it would take 2 boxes a day minimum (expensive)..so I can’t step back there…
I no longer do the milking, Matt is doing an awesome job on that..I no longer clean…nope..they dont do it the way I would.
At the moment there is no sand here..just alot of big rocks..I think Marc would tell you the same.
FIve years ago I would have given the same advice to someone else that you are giving to me but on this side of the equation it is really much more difficult than that.
David have you asked her what would bless her? I know that I have certain things that specifically would make all the difference..
GInger…I am sorry..I grew up like that..and I do understand.
Yes…more often than not, its something like, “…just don’t question anything that I say…”
Seriously…Not take the kids for the weekend, which I do and enjoy more than I’ll admit to her; not doing a punch-out to the honey-do list; not sending her to a day-spa for a morning of facials and an afternoon of masseurs.
Its putting on a pair of blinders, of all things.
And yeah, I do that too.
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Even Agent Smith Gets the Blues
– Eugene Donohoe, Dublin City
that is unique, David…very..uh..unique.
Since you and I tend to be the analytical one’s in our respective marriages, I’d a thought, perhaps you to have heard that from your spouse or something similar.
‘ just don’t question anything I say ‘ ?!? Is it a ‘woman thing’ ?
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Welcome to the desert of the Real
– Morpheus
Nope. I hadn’t heard it..although Marc gets frustrated with my need to analyze things.
I tend to believe that all people have an inborn ability to analyze themselves to an extent. I think it is part of the whole batch of survival instincts we were born with. You analyze whether the water is too deep to swim in, whether you have time to cross the street before you get flattened etc. Most little kids can tell you when they are mad and WHY they are mad (or sad or happy or…) But somewhere along the way some of us aren’t allowed to own our feelings and we begin to think that our feelings, needs, wants and desires don’t matter or aren’t important. Analyzing them, knowing why we feel the way we do ceases to be important or even advisable because then we would have conflict.
What types of things does your wife not want to be questioned about? For Marc, it is his feelings, needs, wants and desires. He may or may not admit to that but there it is.
I would guess those things that your wife doesn’t want to be questioned about are the very things she is afraid of in herself.