Do you Lie About Your Kids?
I started writing about adoption because I was tired of researching about the issues my son was having and finding nothing. I searched for sensory integration, fetal alcohol syndrome, behavior disorders, attachment disorders, etc. I found very little regarding adoption three years ago.
There were books out there but there were very few that included everything. I had to purchase 10-20 books just to find one or two things that were relevant in each book.
And, every time I asked an adoptive mom about how their child was they told me that everything was just fine…that everything was progressing normally, that their speech was great, their attachment was fabulous, that they had no problems.
I even asked parents who had biological children if what I was going through was normal and they told me that every kid was different and that kids were resilient. I learned to hate that word. Kids from orphanages are not always resilient. In fact, many have big issues.
I have always wondered how many of those parents I talked to were lying to me about their children. Today I came across a post on Brazen Careerist about Mommy Porn. In essence she wrote about how people lie about how good their kids are doing to create that visual fantasy of the perfect family. Are we that Beaver Cleaver?
Do we try to cover up all the bad things to make the public look like we are doing all the right things and that everything is perfect? Even Angelina Jolie does it by not allowing ANY reporters to photograph her children with a nanny.
Do you lie about your children and their success?
As an adoptive parent I don’t think I lied about how my children adjusted. I guess I prepared myself for the worst. I still feel that all of our children adjusted very well, even with one son having F.A.S. So far our problems have seemed minor.
I tell real life stories about my children, not all good!
I think I tend to tell the more pleasant stories more often…I tell people the truth if they ask about something (oh, say potty-training/temper tantrums/etc), but don’t always put it out there/bring it up.
I don’t usually tell other people negative things about my kids, biological or adopted. It’s none of their business. And I want my kids to overhear me praising them, not critisizing them…or saying thing about them that could embarrass them or be perceived as criticism.
But I think that if someone asked me as specific a question as the ones you named, I would share what I felt I could. For example, my sister-in-law is very exasperated with my niece’s potty-training process, and when she asked me about it, I shared that my son wasn’t daytime potty trained until he was three and a half. I don’t think my son cared, and it reassured my s-i-l. But I’m still careful and reticent about what I say outside of the immediate family.
Kat?! LOL! Fancy meeting you here
I don’t have children, but I have known parents to lie about their children to others, to create that perfect vision. I’ve known lots of people to lie about their kids, their parents, their siblings, their significant others, themselves – just to create that perfect image.
It’s very Bree Van de Kamp-esque.
Only when people stop lying and start telling the truth (in relevant circles, like Kathy mentioned above) can they, and others, really start learning. Both lying and telling the truth are very contagious (and addictive) behaviors. Kudos to you, Marcie, for being a truth-teller. I’m sure many people (who were once wrapped up in lies, or thought everyone but them had “perfect” situations) have benefited from your blog.
Hi, Alicia! I didn’t know you hung around here!
So, yeah, I go back and forth between it’s-none-of-anyone’s-business and giving my kids permission to be imperfect–even if that means letting people outside the family know what their flaws are.
I don’t want anyone thinking badly about my kids, but they are who they are–which is an overwhelmingly good thing.
Kat