Do You Parent Like YOUR Parent?

How often have you heard this line from your friends: “I don’t want to turn into my Mother!” or “I fear becoming my father when it’s my turn to be a Dad.” Parenting is difficult. There are moments when you wonder if you’re doing anything right at all, moments when you reflect on whether you’re doing the best that you can.

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Then there are moments when you wonder how close to your mother or father your parenting style is. The reflections can take a positive or negative spin, depending on your perspective of the moment. It’s more comfortable to emulate the good your own parents showered you with, but definitely difficult to avoid emulating some unpleasant experiences from your childhood. There may have been some events in your past that you do not want to replicate with your own child.

“I don’t want to nag,” Josie, a mother of three, shared. “I avoid nagging my children as much as I can because my mother nagged a lot. I hated being on the receiving end of it. I told myself that I’d never nag my kids once I became a Mom. Yet here I am, thirty years later, nagging my kids to do their chores, be more responsible, this and that.” Her kids have shared that she’s turned into their grandma. “My heart was crushed, but it was true. I did become my mother.”

“I was never open with my parents,” Mark, a father of four, explained. “My father was always out of the country and my mother pretty much kept to herself. I want to raise my daughters to be open with me, but I find myself falling into the same trap. I’m always at work and when I come home, the girls are asleep. They’re growing up so fast and I am hardly getting to know them.”

Perhaps when one becomes a parent, the fear we had as children comes back, triggering a new fear that we would repeat our parents’ mistakes. What do you do when this happens?

“Acknowledge that it’s happened,” Josie advised. “And just be the best parent that you can be.” She shares that while she is trying her hardest not to nag her kids, the occasional slip-ups happen.

Mark shared he’s trying to come home earlier and avoid working on weekends. “Do something. You can either accept that you’ve repeated history, or you can do something about it.” He’s slowly getting to know his daughters better.

Other things that one can do: Celebrate your own style of parenting. Perhaps there are similarities that you share with your own parents’ style, but that doesn’t mean you don’t have a style all your own.

Also, think about why your parent had that particular style before concluding anything. When you were a teenager, getting an early curfew was a disaster to your social life and you may have hated your parents for it. It could’ve triggered you to think, “When I’m a Mom, I’ll let my kids enjoy her socializing as much as she can!” Well, now that you’re a parent yourself, do you still think the same way or can you empathize with why your Mom gave you that early curfew?

Finally, think about the positive effect their parenting style had on you. Did they push you too hard? Perhaps. And how did you turn out? Maybe you’re more competitive, maybe that driven spirit of yours was an effect of them constantly challenging you. Look into the positive effects their parenting style had on you, and you may find yourself replicating this with your own children.

Becoming your mother or father may or may not have its benefits. Learn from experience and carry on. What’s most important is that you are trying to be the best parent you can be to your children.