Does It Bother You to See Other People’s Babies?
February 1, 2008 by Gabrielle
Filed under Diseases & Conditions
Angelique asked me a great question the other day, “Does it bother you to see other
people’s babies?”
And my answer is no.
I have heard that for some women trying to conceive (TTC) that watching other parents cuddle, soothe, love their infants is nearly maddening. It brings to immediate reality all of the things they want so badly and don’t have.
But that’s never been the case with me, and in fact, I’ve witnessed the opposite effect on some of my “real life” friends. T. for instance, would be inextricably and magnetically drawn to any baby in a 20 meter radius of her. She had to hold them, smell them, be with them. Not in a creepy “that lady’s gonna steal my baby” kind of way. In a “I love children and I want to be around them” way. I always saw her actions as wanting to share her maternal love with whomever she could. And even now when she has a baby of her own, she’s still the first one to congratulate a new mother, to ask the baby’s name, to give a gentle hug. It is predictable and wonderful.
Ever since Ang asked me the question, I’ve been trying to analyze my own response. Why doesn’t it bother me?
I guess the basic answer is, just because I want to have a baby doesn’t mean I’m a baby-crazy kind of person. Just because I will love and adore my kid doesn’t mean I’m wild and crazy about yours. I guess I see my journey towards motherhood as my own, not one that can be compared, contrasted with others. It’s not a competition. It’s not a race. And it’s certainly not something that’s mutually exclusive. Just because I see someone loving her child doesn’t mean that will never happen for me. Someday. Maybe.
In fact, it is funny for me to even consider myself a breeder (wanna be breeder, I should say) since infertility and a child-free life have been parts of my identity for so long.
I’m wondering if any of my readers feel the same. Does it bother you to see other people’s babies?
Gab:
Glad to have inspired this post!
Actually, I am not a “baby person” even though I have a son whom I love with all my heart. I almost never hold other babies, and other people’s kids really have to “prove” themselves before I just up and adore them.
This is why I did not choose a career in childcare. ha!
This is a great post and makes me remember when I was having my children, we had a few friends who could not, unfortunately. One couple was very understanding of me when I was going through some tough times with my guys, but one wasn’t. They would get upset if I made any comments about being frustrated with my guys, the simple ones about not getting enough sleep or something like that.
Although I did understand the frustration that this couple felt, it made things very awkward because we say things off the cuff sometimes.
That being said, I did try hard to watch what I did say. Sadly, the friendship didn’t make it through the issue.
I guess it truly is a very individual thing for each woman.
Exactly! I have to credit my friend L. (who was one of the last people I thought would have a baby) for letting me know it was totally ok to adore your own child and still think the rest of them were ok and definitely had to earn affection.
Gab, Thanks for sending me to the link for this blog. I see that like always…you’ve become completely educated in that which currently stands in your way.
Everyone around me is having kids, in fact a good friend just popped one out this morning….Just what Boston needs, another Irish kid running around…
I digress…It seems that baby fever may strike my wife and I, but for now we are just happy to let others populate the earth…..
Smooch!
I LOVE seeing some male perspectives here. Thanks so much for your comments, Bill and Tom.
And thanks for the props, Tom. I’m hoping to use the blog to educate and inform others as well. Please feel free to share the link with anyone you think would be interested, especially our young cancer survivor friends. You know a lot of us are in this boat together.
Gab,
What has surprised me is the number of childhood cancer survivors who were not “supposed” to be able to have children yet have become pregnant (or have impregnanted). It seems that some of the information that they gave us back them MAY not have had long term study behind it.
For many of us the treatment was severe (or surgical) and changces are not likely…but for others I think better late effect study may be in order.
I guess they were right back when they told us that chemo and radiation were no substitute for borth control.
Sorry, this is a little off topic…but not so off topic.
Back to your topic. It’s pretty much certain that I won’t be able to have kids….Still, I love them and it does not upset me to be around them. I’m happy for those who are able. For me….there are always things I can do for and with children and there will always be children that need more loving than their home situatuion can provide.
I can totally see both sides of this. Personally I have 3 girls and did not have issues conceiving. I actually had my 3 and 3 miscarriages all in 4 years, so it came easy (I did almost die after the third birth though, so there was some hardship). But what is hard from my side is that I feel a ping of guilt if I complain about my kids or busy-ness to my youngest sister, who has been trying to conceive for about 3 years now, or other friends that are trying to conceive. It is tough because I find myself biting my tongue at times when I want to just let loose about my kids, but other times I also get frustrated with her not understanding what it is like. Does that make sense? I love her dearly and she is a wonderful Aunt, my 3 love fun Aunt Lyss believe me. Just being honest
And for me, I have the 3 but I am soooo not a hold others baby and talk goo goo ga ga to them. I like them from a distance!
It makes a lot of sense, Kendra, and you are not the first person I have heard wanting to talk about this issue: How can I be supportive of my friends/family members who are trying to conceive or can’t conceive without completely ignoring my own life experiences and MY need for a comforting shoulder or some understanding every once in a while?
I hear you. It can even be an issue in the blogosphere – someone not wanting to be too celebratory about their own successful pregnancy for fear of upsetting others who haven’t been so lucky. There has to be a middle ground, right?
I’m feeling a post on this topic a brewing…..
Gabby – thanks so much for sending me this link. I frankly never would’ve known about any of this and find myself reading and reading. I’ll be sure to keep coming back.
I have to say it’s very unpredictable when I’ll be bothered by seeing kids and when not.
Many kids are such cool people that I love interacting with them. Some moms and dads, let’s be honest here, are annoying or stupid people in general, which of course brings up feelings of “why do those idiots reproduce like flies, while we’re struggling?”
So, while I do get kiddie pangs, I understand that most other people don’t have the problems I do and therefore can have kids easily. It’s not their fault that I’m suffering; I’m different and no one knows why. I can also recognize my friends’ struggles who are facing the challenges of parenting.
Shinejil, I think you nailed it for me. I think the only times I actually notice young children is when they or more often their parents are behaving badly. It is the doting, overbearing, smothering “helicopter” parent variety that makes me the craziest.
But then just as I am in the middle of tsk tsk’ing in my mind, I make myself stop for fear of bringing down bad baby/parenting karma upon myself!
Thank you for your comments, Shinejil.
Every time I see a baby I fill with happiness and joy.
I was always drawn to babies during our long time TTC, even when we got the “infertile” definitian thrown at us. It was pregnant women, specifically women I was close with, that I had a hard time with. Great article!!