Does the threat of dying young motivate you to get better?
September 6, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
In August, a post I wrote about whether or not death was a motivator in recovery soared to the top of the Breaking the Mirror statistics.
I highly respect the thoughtful comments that it has generated thus far and invite you to contribute to the discussion.
For example:
- Are you afraid enough of dying to stop your disordered eating ways?
- Does death scare you?
- Do you actually wish for death so you can escape from ana or mia? (If so, I would recommend contacting the national suicide hotline — 1-800-SUICIDE. Please. We need you.)
This is something that’s been on my mind alot lately.
It changes from day to day whether or not I am afraid of dying from my ed. The only thing that scares me about death is the pain I would leave behind – my dh, my sisters, my parents, my friends. Right now that’s probably the biggest motivator not to give up.
I know it’s supposed to be found within yourself, but sometimes I don’t really care. And yes, sometimes I do wish I would just die so this battle would be over. But instead I get past those thoughts and keep fighting, because I know it is the right thing for me.
Death wouldn’t and does not bother me as in a way it seems inevitable and part of what would always have been my life. I sometimes wonder if I have not died already and that the life I am living isn’t real.
It is the thought of living with the daily binging and puking and then periods of starving that scare me more.
Maybe if I thought my life would really be any different. Maybe if I thought …I could actually miss something spectacular. But I think in this very moment, it just feels like, every fucking day. It’s not a threat of dying young. It’s…the hope that that’s not just another empty promise. Maybe that’s the entire bottle of wine talking at 3:30 am, but…I’m thinking, really? Could this all be over really SOON someday? Death hasn’t been a scare tactic. I’m only afraid of not having what I want from my life…and bulimia’s taking that so…it’s almost like, well fine. Maybe it’ll kill me. I can get a break. Because this life without an eating disorder and depression and anxiety just isn’t real and it’s the only thing that’s begging me to hold on
Erin, I promise you it is real, although I know it doesn’t feel like it; it is. I am so sorry you are suffering through this right now. I know b/c I am there too but I know, I have to believe that no matter how much I want to die, I have to push to believe the purpose to live is more promising and full of hope.