EDs: Not always a downward spiral

I may paint a seemingly-bleak picture of my eating disordered teen years, but as I look back, all was not terrible.  In fact, there were some reasonable times when I abandoned my anorexic ways for a few weeks… but I would always return to them.

Eighth grade, the first year of my “official” ana status (in my opinion), was exciting but always somewhat overwhelming.  I was quickly losing weight, but confidence in my appearance wasn’t occurring simultaneously.  That school year was definitely spent experimenting with different ways to starve, hide food, avoid eating, and the like.

The next year, ninth grade, was truly not as bad.  Sure, I was holding myself to a certain weight, but I wasn’t making myself go any further down numbers-wise.  I had friends that year and liked to hang out with them.  So even though the anorexia was hanging around, it didn’t define me nearly as much as it did the previous year.

Then came tenth grade and with it a whole host of problems.  Boyfriends.  (Bad ones.)  Senior high.  (You try being a skinny geek.)  Depression.  (Yep, I had it all goin’ on!)  I alternated between starving myself and bingeing when out with a group.  Yet through it all I maintained my weight within a few pounds. 

Eleventh grade was Hell.  Hell.  Hell.  I can’t even describe how horrendous it was.  Ana and I couldn’t have been much closer.

Then came senior year and with it a slight reprieve from the emotionally draining anorexia.  I felt a little stronger, a little freer, a little more confident in who I was as a person. 

The moral of this long tale?  Anorexia doesn’t always take the place of a downward spiral.  Sometimes it fluctuates, which is probably why so many loved ones ignore their relatives and friends with eating disorders.  See, they expect that if you’re gaining weight and feeling better that the anorexia, bulimia or binge eating must have disappeared! 

But we know otherwise, don’t we?