Engagement Seems To Be Contagious
August 26, 2009 by Kelli DesRochers
Filed under Relationships
I have reached the period in my life where engagement has started to spread like the swine flu. I am not engaged and have never been married, so the idea that all of my friends happen to be receiving proposals of marriage from their boyfriends at the same time is a little bit of a mystery to me. Some of the couples getting engaged have been dating since the beginning of college, and some have barely been dating for a year, but yet here they are now suddenly at the same stage in their relationship. What changes occur in our life around the age of 27 that trigger the sudden desire to get engaged and an extreme comfort with the idea of being married?
I have so many questions about the whole idea of getting engaged and how it seems to occur so suddenly to everyone between the ages of 25 and 30. I’m wondering if I am completely alone here or if there are others my age who find this whole societal pattern worth investigating…
- Why is there still so much tradition? The sex roles in our country have progressed in so many ways, but the engagement/proposal process seems to be stuck. Boy buys diamond ring, boy plans cute way to pop the question, girl is surprised, girl says ‘yes’, girls spends a year planning a ceremony with a white dress and colorful bridesmaids.
- Is it primarily the male who decides that ‘it’s time’? Related to the idea of tradition, it seems that the man still proposes to the woman in most cases, so is he the one controlling the decision?
- Is there a level of maturity that humans reach at this age that allows for lifetime companionship?
- Do couples feel rushed or pressured by other couples who are engaged/married?
- Do couples who get engaged during this age range have a higher or lower success rate in marriage as couples who marry at other ages?
- Do we feel like American culture and societal pressures push us to get engaged during this period of our lives?
I am really so happy for all of my friends who are now engaged and I love that they have reached the point in their lives where they have found a perfect mate and are ready to be married, but I just want to understand this cultural tradition a little bit more.
Image: sxc.hu
*I’m not totally comfortable about the male-controlled aspect of it. I think it puts a lot of pressure on men and it’s an out-dated tradition. I suspect the marriage issue has already been brought up in conversation at some point already. Perhaps they even know the answer before the question is asked?
*I don’t think that there’s a magic number age-wise or even maturity-wise. I think with dating you spend a certain amount of time with someone and you either see them at your side forever or you don’t. There’s only so much you can KNOW and marriage really is a leap of faith. People change and they will either grow together or apart. Maturity is not a constant either. At times a person who is very down to Earth can suddenly begin acting very selfish. My point is that people change over time.
*I think women feel more pressure than men do when their friends get engaged. They don’t want to get left behind, they want their own Big Day. I love being a woman, but sometimes we are like that and worry about things for the wrong reasons.
*I think that society pressures adults of any age to get married. We all want to know how things are going to turn out. If a couple dated forever or even lived together forever, there’s always going to be someone who says, “Aren’t you ever going to get married?” We like to see people paired up and committed.
*About your friends and the age issue – I wonder if as people get closer to 30 they start a checklist. Okay, I’m almost 30 and before I get to 30 I need to get the following things accomplished……….
Dang. I was pretty wordy, wasn’t I?
Thanks Michelle! I do feel like there is some peer pressure involved with engagements and marriage. To me it seems that it might be more difficult to be one of the first, but after you watch more of your friends get engaged then you feel like you might as well join the married club. I don’t think that it’s a huge influence since obviously finding the right person to spend your life with is most important, but peer pressure could be a small trigger to help you feel comfortable pushing your relationship to the next level.
I think there is so much tradition in getting married because marriage in and of itself is traditional. Plus people like tradition and those that don’t either choose not to get married or have an untraditional wedding.
Just because a man proposes doesn’t mean he controls the time table. If anything it’s the woman pushing the man to pop the question not the man suddenly springing it on the woman. My husband and I decided together and picked out the ring together before he asked. I was the one who said at the begining of the relationship that my end goal in dating was to get married, but tried not to push it. It’s an important decision and both need to be sure and not feel rushed.
Men like to ask and most women liked to be asked. I’ve tried being the pursuer in the past and it just doesn’t work as well. I ended up feeling all desperate and bad about myself. I figured having the man come after me saved me a lot of grief and I didn’t have to worry if he liked me.
I got married when I was 27 so I guess I fit this demographic. I found someone I wanted to marry and we both felt it was a good time in our lives. I think people want to get married so they can start families and feel settled. Being single I felt unsettled in life and I wanted that companionship. Everything seemed so temporary. I moved all the time and got new friends and jobs a lot. Now I have at least one person who will be there forever. Let’s face it, our biological clocks start ticking and we’re wired to want babies so it’s nice to have someone permanent to help us out with that.
Thanks for your response Tiffany! What you said about feeling unsettled and wanting companionship is really interesting and could definitely be a key issue for the 27 year old marriage alarm. In college you have friends around you all the time, and it seems that you have a few years to extend that college culture into your mid-20s. But after that, you are definitely right in recognizing that you are on your own in the world and you want to start moving towards what you have in mind for your future, and that usually involves settling down.
Hi Kelli,
I’m 25, and have been with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We live together, but we’re not engaged. I’ve been getting a lot of marriage questions lately. Boo.
I’d like to think that the tradition of engagement/marriage is slowly changing. Two of my friends that were dating decided on the engagement together, and chose not to buy a ring at all. My bf and I have also talked about it a bit, and I know that I definitely don’t want the proposal to be a surprise! Things like this make me optimistic that things are changing, but I have still seen MANY of my friends go through the whole expensive traditional wedding.
I think it’s hard to not feel pressured, and I just try to keep in mind that it’s my decision and I have very good reasons to not rush into marriage!