But, perhaps there’s a “deeper, subconscious belief” that still has us going by our gender roles.

Particularly studies like the one where they ask couples with similar jobs who is doing more housework and why. They point to a deeper disconnect between what we say we believe and what we truly believe.

- the male is a doctor and the female is a professor and they say “she does more housework because the nature of his job is more demanding.”

- they role reverse where she is the doctor and he is the professor and they say “she does more housework because the nature of his job is more demanding.”

It points to a deeper belief that regardless of what his job is, both men and women agree that “his is more demanding.”

Even if it’s just a perception, it’s still determining who is doing more housework.

It doesn’t appear very effective to judge it. But being aware that the underlying deep belief is there can be effective in changing the underlying belief, I think.

I do think women can get a feel for this kind of thing before they get married. It shouldn’t be that difficult to figure out if a guy subscribes to old-fashioned gender roles or not. and I don’t mean by asking one question … I mean by observing and having in depth discussions about these issues, if in fact it’s important to the woman.

I think he’s starting to get it though. I’ve explained that cleaning really means things like laundry, dishes and mopping and if he really wants to get me to chill out and maybe want to have sex this century he might want to pitch in with some of that.

Your definition or “half” isn’t the same as his. His “housework” doesn’t factor it all the deep cleaning you do every six months, the deep scrubbing of the shower or mopping the floor or cleaning out closets and basements and garages or dusting blinds or doing floor boards and ceiling fans or cleaning out the fridge or spot cleaning the carpet or clearing out the dryer vent.

I got tired of beating my head against the brick wall trying to change his definition of half.

My husband is great at a few things like laundry, cooking and taking care of our cars. But no way does he do HALF the household chores, and that is an issue for me.

He does almost all of the dishes (this ONE thing makes me so freaking happy cause this is my most loathed chore) and picks up some and helps the kids clean their rooms and does yard work and some of the cooking and quite a bit of the childcare in the evenings and weekends. He fixes the cars, thought I’ve been known to help, files paperwork, and does yard work.

The article does mention a hugely key factor – the “standard of clean.” I’ve notices this as self-sabotage in women myself.

If women want help they can’t be so rigid about the “right” way to clean something. You can’t complain about how the kids rooms got clean (unsorted toys) or how the dishwasher was loaded (cups on top) or how he spends his time with the kids (here’s their schedule, don’t stray) or what he cooks.

You have to LET GO of the control if you want them to take responsibility for household chores and childcare. They do it “good enough.” Good enough or “at least it got done” has to be the standard if you’re pushing for more chore equity.

Honey, I’m thrilled you aren’t cheating on me or shooting up heroin or something, but can you please do a load of dishes once in a while without me nagging you?

Statistically, your friend is not alone. It’s you – with your equal housework – that is the exception.

Many, many, many women who work fulltime are still doing most or twice as much housework as their husbands. It’s in the top 3 reasons for arguing and divorce – equitable housework – right up there with money.