Excuse me, I think your child may have autism………
September 15, 2007 by Kristina Chew, PhD
Filed under Health
You’re at a children’s music class, or maybe a gymnastics one, or in the line at the grocery store or at a Thanksgiving dinner with family. You have an autistic child, which means that you know the DSM-IV criteria for autism spectrum disorder like a mantra; you’ve been through your share of stranger stares, stranger cluelessness, and stranger indifference; you have a track record of IEP meeting attendance and a laundry basket and several boxes of files, binders, and random papers about your child from birth to the present; you are tired of explaining “stimming.” You see a child like this:
. He wasn’t following along with the teachers like the other children. Instead, he spun wildly to the music, or ran in happy circles around the room. Sometimes he would drop into his mother’s lap for a hug, but he wouldn’t come when she called him.
So writes Amy Lutz, whose 8 year old son Jonah has autism, in an essay on Babble entitled Dear Stranger. What do you, autism parent—-involved autism parent—do? Do you drop the “a” word? Mention Early Intervention? Just say a nice hi and smile? Are you just really putting your foot in your mouth if you mention “autism”?
Do you have a moral obligation to alert an unknowing parent that their child may have autism?
Unless the parent is exhibiting obvious signs of “not getting it”, including physical abuse, no. Smile and “keep on keepin’ on” was a lot more comfortable than the intrusive advice we used to get.
The truth is, at that point in time, we don’t know what is going on. If the child is happy, then good for him. If the child is in distress, we don’t know why. My son had a breakdown when he first understood the word, “no”. He screamed and I had to drag him out of the restaurant. A woman stopped me and started talking at us. She said she was a doctor and pointed at the table and said he shouldn’t eat syrup. (pancake house) I was near tears myself and said, “just let me out”. I mean, I had a screaming toddler, people are angry and this woman is chastising us for syrup on the table. BTW, we hadn’t even started eating yet. He wasn’t having a sugar fit.
My point is that well meaning advice may be totally off the mark and wind up hurting someone more than help. My son had had a breakthrough in language that morning. My husband and I were the only ones equipped to deal with it.
On the other hand, Buddy Boy used to be in pre-school with another boy who was obviously classically autistic. Almost four years old, non-verbal except for a couple of echolalic words, stims, spinning, etc.
After interacting with the mother for months, Liz (after referring to the fact that Buddy Boy was autistic and was improving with speech therapy) raised the question of whether her child might benefit from getting evaluated. Both parents were in complete denial, and didn’t want to have anything done.
Finally, the pre-school owner (who had two kids with severe ADHD and was one of the best things ever to happen for Buddy Boy) refused to re-enroll the child unless he got evaluated. He finally did, they got a diagnosis, and the parents started getting speech and OT for him.
Were Liz and the pre-school owner right to mention it? We think so. It wasn’t a random encounter on the street, but an ongoing relationship (they were in pre-school together for at least 18 months before anything was said), it was an obvious call, and we felt that the child would benefit from getting some services before he was school age.
Maybe we meddled too much, but we thought it was worth it.
Joe
I read that on babble too. Very thought provoking. I think that now we’re in the know a bit more, we see bits and bobs here and there as well as the unmistakable.
For me it’s partly a cultural thing = mind your own business, but more than that, I think that people aren’t able to listen until they’re ready.
Best wishes
I say, do nothing. They tell me autism is unmissable, so why do anything?
You can’t diagnosis in a few minutes or casual observation. We had a REALLY rough time last year because a bunch of people who thought that they were qualified (teachers, a resource person and an SLP) made assumptions about the causation of our guy’s unusual behavior. If these guys, who really are in a position to know a thing or two, and in the case of the teachers, had spent dozens of hours observing and interacting with our guy, could get causation absolutely wrong, what are my chances of getting causation right after watching a kid run around a room for a few minutes.
I might also mention that the guys at our school got things wrong (they were thinking MR with extreme anxiety as the result of overbearing parents who refused to recognize his natural limitations) because they got caught up in a narrative. It was a story that they were telling themselves and each other and soon everything that they saw supported their story. Likewise, those of use with kids on the spectrum are caught up in the narrative of autism and are likely to see it wherever we look.
I think it’s a tough call either way. On one hand you feel a moral obligation to help a child and family; on the other hand you *may* be off-base and cause harm. I don’t think I’d say anything that obvious but might mention something like “Oh, my son does something very similar” and see if it leads to conversation or questions from the other parent. Otherwise, I leave it alone.
VAB, that illustrates my point exactly. We see autism everywhere, that meddling doctor probably saw ADHD in my son. Some people see child abduction.
Club 166, I agree with the preschool operator but not “Liz”. I mean the former would be in the right to say, “your child needs an evaluation”. She’s a service provider and that’s her job, to help her charges.
When my own son was showing autistic traits and I didn’t know it, the family doctor referred us to a pediatric neurologist without mentioning his suspicions.
Amy Lutz in her Babble essay noted that her husband thought it was a “moral failure” for her not to speak to the other child’s parent about autism; at the end of the essay, when she again sees the child along with a nanny, Lutz again brings up the suggestion. I think, for all the factors pointed out, that to say it’s a “moral obligation” is going too far, and potentially scaring a parent who may well be feeling anxious already. At the very least, I try to show support and sympathy to parents with children “misbehaving” in public.
Every once in a while I see a child that seems to be obviously on the spectrum. Though I am naturally chatty and like to engage people, I think I would only mention The A Word if someone asked me specifically for my opinion. It’s just so hard. I hated — and I don’t even like to type the word “hate” — HATED people who first told me my child might have autism. I was not ready to deal with it. It was a long, hard emotional journey for me. I think that talking about Early Intervention services for speech or OT might be a way to go if one feels obligated to do something.
The only time we (DH and I) have decided to say something was when an old friend/colleague of his mentioned to him that his 2 y.o. son was not talking, and mentioned some other behaviors. They both work in a quite stereotypically “geeky” field and the father, my DH’s friend, had some ASD traits himself. We talked about it, and my husband said he could not live with himself if he *didn’t* say something. So he did. The child is now in EI and is thriving. I am proud of my husband for stepping up and having a difficult and emotional conversation for the sake of this child.
It’s hard to know what to do; I may know a lot about my child, but I am no diagnostician of someone else’s. As someone already noted, how do you know that they don’t already know? If it was a close friend who was asking, it might be different.
When my daughter was in a mainstreaming pre-K, there was another child who appeared to have some issues and neither intervention nor supports. After talking to my case worker about my conundrum, the diplomatic solution that was worked out by the preschool director and EI was to invite the EI/ECSE evaluator to give a lecture for the staff and parents about services and the evaluation process.
As it turns out, several parents requested EI evals, and some eventually received services.
I wouldn’t do it unless I had an ongoing relationship with the child and/or parent.
Even then, I’m cautious–and you have to realize, I have a standing joke with my colleagues that I’m constantly seeing zebras in a herd of horses.
“Zebras,” of course, are kids with autism. And in my case, if I bring it up to a parent, my observations are often going to be proven or not proven by eligibility assessments.
That said, I’m one for one right now, with a third coming up. The successful one was brought up and strongly supported by a parent, as is this third one.
Spotting autism in the very high functioning kid is a challenge.
No. N. O. No. For all the reasons already mentioned and then some.
I’m generally wary of self-styled diagnosticians and people who’ve been “trained to spot” conditions in workshops and weekend training seminars. The rate of false positives seems to be tremendous. It got to be a family joke about one relative of mine, a PhD psychologist who treated mainly borderline clients. She didn’t even have to meet people to diagnose them. Everybody got a turn at being borderline, sooner or later (unless they suffered, in her estimation, from fetal alcohol syndrome and ADHD). It would’ve been much funnier if it weren’t for the fact that she had real live clients who probably believed her. Who knows, maybe some of them were really BPD.
No. I wouldn’t do it, no matter how well I knew the person. I have a friend with a young daughter, and it looks to me like the daughter’s not quite right. But it’s not my business, and even if it were I’m not qualified to say.
Whoops — I left this out –
I did once ask a student, outside of class, if she had ever been tested for a certain learning disability. I meant well, but it was a mistake, and I wouldn’t do it again. She was a very hardworking student on her last academic chance, reasonably bright. She’d often been held back and then mysteriously advanced in school, and had parents who did a lot to help her. I never expected that she’d hear my question as a variant of “You’re stupid.” I did eventually smooth things over with her mother, and we talked about the disability, why I thought it might be giving her trouble, and how she could get tested for it (no one had ever mentioned testing before). I don’t know what happened, in the end. But I wouldn’t do things that way again, even if the aim was to advocate for a student in a position like that.
As an autistic, I usually have a very good idea if a person is autistic or not. Even though there is a good deal of variation within the ASD spectrum, it’s not that hard to tell if someone’s in the spectrum. And, often, if I become friends with the person (not easy, when both people aren’t people oriented), either the person or a parent will mention a diagnosis.
Now, there’s the issue on whether to talk about it or not. I understand the emotionality of it for the parent, which makes it tough, and it may be significantly harder to know from the perspective of a parent (though I’ve broken it down well enough to Mom that she can tell too. We’ll be visiting classes or something and whisper to each other “You think he’s on the spectrum?”, and we’ll always be in agreement). But not to say anything may do a true disservice to the child, if the parent is ignorant. It would mean that the child, who already is going to not have it easy, is going to have a significantly harder time working through society, without a doubt. I’ve met way to many people who know nothing of autism (in any real sense) to assume that people will figure it out. But it still is very sticky.
Cliff
I guess, though, it does talk about the larger issue of awareness. I know that where I come from people are working on it (I’ve had the fortune of working at lengths with them), but awareness really needs to increased. At that point, I think some of that will somewhat sort itself out. But, until then, we’re still stuck with an unfortunate social situation.
Cliff
Well, for what it’s worth, when Liz talked to the mom, she didn’t drop the “A” word. other to mention that Buddy Boy was autistic and had speech problems, and had benefited from speech therapy. She couched it in terms of noticing that her son seemed to have some speech delays, and perhaps he would benefit from an evaluation.
Like I said, mom didn’t bite at the time, and neither of us raised the issue again. It was only after the pre-school owner refused to take the child back without an evaluation that the parents had it done.
Joe
It may be worth pointing out again that we’re talking about a collection of behaviors and inclinations. Some of them fairly fine-gauge. I can just see how my dad would’ve responded in that situation, if he had been the parent with the running-around child:
Well-meaning stranger: You might want to get your son tested for autism.
Dad: Why?
WMS: Well, a test could tell you for sure.
Dad: Tell me what for sure?
WMS: Whether he’s autistic.
Dad: What does this mean, autistic?
WMS: Well, he does A, B, C, D…and is inclined to X, Y, Z…
Dad: Yes, I already know he does these things. So what else do I know with a diagnosis?
WMS: Well, if you have a diagnosis, you can get services.
Dad: Aha. And why do we want those?
WMS: He could get along better.
Dad: He seems to get along quite well now.
WMS: Oh — but he’s not part of the group, he’s probably not really aware of what’s going on.
Dad: How do you know?
WMS: What?
Dad: How do you know what he’s aware of?
WMS: I just meant — there are therapies that could help him get along better, stay organized, connect with people — it could help him be happier and more successful in life.
Dad: He seems very happy and successful now, don’t you think?
WMS: Well, he’s obviously..doing something that engages him, but he’s not really part of the group.
Dad, laughing: And who is the one who has a problem with that?
WMS gives up, excuses herself.
It’s hard to know what to do. On the one hand, I won’t want another parent to have to wait years to find the answer but on the other, I hate being a busybody. Even if you know the parent and child fairly well, they might react with anger and hostility because they just don’t want to know.
That’s exactly what happened when I told one dad that my son had just been diagnosed with Asperger’s and maybe his son might be Aspie too and suggested an evaluation. This person had always shown concern and understanding about my son’s problems yet was unable to face the fact that his own child had some of the same issues. The really sad thing is that he, his wife and 2 of their 3 children seem to be on the spectrum and have been seeing a therapist for years for “family counseling”. Where ignorance is bliss…
These days, I wait to be asked and have been, especially by people who know my son. When I see an “older” child throwing a tantrum in public, I try to show sympathy and sometimes say “my child did that at his age too.”
Gettingthere, how do you know that the family counseling isn’t helpful, or that an Asperger’s diagnosis would be more helpful?
Also, why do you assume that an older child throwing a tantrum has Asperger’s? I’ve seen adults throwing tantrums. Some of them are just jerks. Some believe it’s a great way to motivate employees. Others are recent retirees who find themselves suddenly “useless”.
You may be reading in a bit.
Amy, the “family counseling” that particular family receives is of the psychoanalytic variety with mom being told it’s mainly her fault if her brilliant, quirky son simply won’t fit in and buckle down. The years of psychotherapy have brought no improvement whatsoever in the “quirkiness” and difficulties at school.
As for the tantrums, Amy, I was speaking of children not adults or toddlers. When I see a particular kind of meltdown and a particular kind of look on a parent’s face, I sympathize. And I’m not really talking about kids bawling at the checkout for candy. I’m talking especially about the child who’s wailing and rolling on the ground because the bus has unexpectedly changed its regular route or because the familiar escalator in a familiar store has been reversed. So far, my sympathetic looks and occasionally, words, have been met with relief and sometimes gratitude for showing understanding.
I’m with Joseph.
gettingthere, my point is that there are whole worlds you aren’t privy to, and you’re making large assumptions. People don’t usually go to therapists for years on end if it’s genuinely doing nothing, and they’re even less inclined to bundle the family into the car for that kind of unpleasant and expensive futility. The child’s problems at school and “quirkiness” may not be the only reasons they’re there. And really, you don’t know that things would improve for them with an Asperger’s diagnosis. Or that it hasn’t been already suggested, and politely declined for reasons of their own. Or that it’s even warranted. Families are complex systems, and it’s tough enough to meddle from the inside. Think how mysterious your own family’s realities and motives can be, even though you’ve had decades of experience with them.
As for the tantrums, I was pointing out that “older” children aren’t the only ones that have them. And really, you do not know the cause. It may be autism. It may be something else. Twenty years ago an anxious-to-help onlooker might well have diagnosed a dietary disorder. I’ve had complete strangers stop me when I’ve been sucking on an inhaler so they could proselytize against dairy products. I’m not allergic to dairy, thanks. No, really, I’m not. At least one these people walked away fully convinced that I was in denial and a victim of the dairy and pharma industries.
Come to think of it, I don’t think I’ve run across a wellmeaning stranger who’s offered diagnosis to me — about me or my family — and been helpful. Almost always nice, middle-aged ladies. The stories often start, “My ______ does/did exactly the same thing/had exactly the same problem.” Except that they’re describing something only tangentially related to me or my family. Mostly they’re talking about themselves. They’re firmly convinced, though, that they’ve Spotted Our Problem. My impression’s been that they’re just trying to reach out, and maybe they’re lonely, so I try to be nice back and disentangle myself promptly.
I used to watch med students go through this, btw, when I worked in a medical college. They’re trained to spot a few classic presentations, and then, when they’re really good at that, they get dumped into medicine’s complexity and find out how little they know. There’s a somewhat maddening medical-mystery column that runs regularly in the Sunday NYT magazine; you might take a look at it sometime. Most of the cases start with a presentation that could be ____. The patient is treated for ____ and gets worse. Missing pieces — things the docs never thought to ask about, things the patients never thought to volunteer, an odd bit of experience brought by a doc who’d run across the rare problem decades before — solve the problem. Even the pros can have trouble diagnosing. And they’ve got experience with more than one condition.
I would think it appropriate to be kind to any parent with an out-of-control kid, by the way, regardless of the cause.
The simple need to show and communicate (non-verbally) compassion for a person with a difficult situation in public is the main thing, I think, over and above any speculation about what diagnosis a child might or might not have, or an adult. I think everyone here would do this, but there are more than a few people who do not.
Um, WTH does this really mean?
“As someone with formally-undiagnosed Asperger’s….”
“but there are more than a few people who do not.”
Like everyone I ever met in Indiana, minus one friendly waitress.
Amy, in the country where I live, a quirky child with behaviors gets the “infantile psychosis” label more often than not and is carted off with the entire family to see the analyst. I approached the parent because my son and his child were in the same class and were both considered “weird” and “anti-social” because of their behavior. The boy’s parents lamented openly that they didn’t know why their son was so weird. I thought I was being helpful, I was not and now I remain silent unless asked.
As for the tantrums, I never tell strangers “my son is apsie and he did the same so your child must be aspie/autistic”. I rarely go beyond a sympathetic smile and when I do speak to the parents of the rather large wailing child rolling on the ground, I stick to “he did that too, at his age”. This again in a land which is very unforgiving of public “misbehavior” past the age of 2. I do not offer instant diagnosis.
This incident cured me of looking for zebras in a herd of horses: Prior to enrolling a newly diagnosed K in PlayPals, a NT and Autie mixed playgroup, my husband and I observed a class. The sesssion was run by a very capable speech therapist who did an amazing job prompting the auties and keeping the NTs engaged in a variety of play activities. Anyway, there was one little boy, Charles, who my husband and I thought was severely affected. He only mumbled, didn’t follow the teacher’s requests, poor eye contact and not the least bit interested in anyone. After the class my husband expressed his concern regarding Charles and.. you guessed it, Charles was a NT and just having a really really bad day. Poor Charles had a new baby brother, a visiting Grandma, and kindergarten had just ended for the year. My husband and I are now content to be experts of our own child only. By the way, the PlayPals experiance was fabulous, K loved it, and I hope for her to attend next summer as well.
Off of that information alone, there’s no way I could have made that judgment. Better cues are the way the kid holds his body, the linkage of subjects (or sometimes the lack of any linkage) in conversation, the particular motion of the eyes (separate from the gaze itself), tone of voice (there is very typically a difference here), reactions to movement, quality and type of emotionality in motions (to avoid the mistake of labeling someone who is withdrawn as on the spectrum), and logical flow (apparent to reaction to instruction in conversation). I couldn’t have made a judgment just based off of lack of eye contact and a disinterest.
I’ve found eye contact to be less and less a factor; thanks for bringing up how a person holds his or her body. People always notice Charlie before he says anything or just when he walks in a room.
Eye contact, in and of itself, isn’t always the thing. But it’s more the way the eyes… flit? Ok, the English language is failing me today, but how typical. The eyes of an autistic, anyway, aren’t prone to move like that of a neurotypical, but it isn’t necessarily a lack of eye contact, because people frequently avoid eye contact for various reasons.
Cliff
The only time I’ve ever made any sort of comment about someone else’s child was to the director of the church nursery where I work.
In my 18-24 month old classroom, we had one little boy a year younger than Bobby. He was basically a twin of Bobby’s behaviors at that age – no communication, ignored the other kids, crashed into stuff, gave and demanded bear hugs, bounced around, couldn’t sit in a seat for 10 seconds even for snack (which is the only extended time we have them sit still), didn’t point or follow pointing, etc. And while I admit to a bias to see ASD in a child, I cared for him several weeks in a row and he was always the same, so I didn’t write it off as just one bad day. I discussed it with the other carer in my room, and we mentioned it to the director – dumped the ball in her court, basically. She said she’d pay special attention to that little boy and then if she felt it was necessary, she’d say something to the mom. It was a matter of seeing *consistently* familiar behavior that made me say something. I never heard any follow-up, though, but we have a huge church.
And the only time a stranger outright said anything to me about Bobby was in a parking lot once, when he was dancing around on his toes and flapping a little. She very nicely said “I don’t want to interfere, but did you notice he was up on his toes? Does he do that a lot?” I said “Yes he does – all the time.” She told me she a was a physical therpapist and toe-walking can be a sign of muscular dystrophy among other physical conditions and she just didn’t want anything to be missed, etc. I told her we were in the Early Intervention process and she said she was glad to hear that, and I thanked her for her concern. She was really nice and low-key about it, and I guess I appreciated someone thinking about *why* my kid was different and not just shooting me dirty looks because he was disturbing them…we just ignore any dirty looks now!
I would never say anything to a stranger. I have close friends whose oldest son is “classically autistic” in the way that he has all the sterotypical issues that people think of when they think autism. We’ve discussed his speech issues and she’s even said she doesn’t think he’s autistic. I’m betting they will find out he is (they are looking to find out what’s going on) but I just couldn’t look her in the eye and say “actually, I think he might be”. I’m letting her work through the emotional stuff she needs to before she hears the official diagnosis. I mostly just listen, occasionally I’ll tell her if Patrick did something similar at that age.
Everyone is different though. I love my ped and she looked straight at me and said “I think he’s autistic and I’d like to refer him”. I personally was so happy she did that. Because of her I (almost) managed to keep out of a lot of the denial stuff.
I know I would have resented that if somebody had told me that my child has autism, before the diagnosis. In fact, I wouldn’t have believed him and thinked that he is bad-intended. Now I know that this wouldn’t have been the case, but in an unsuspected parent it does seem so. Even if a parent knows there is something wrong with his/her child, nobody likes it if a stranger claims to understand your own child better than you. Since my son’s diagnosis, I found myself many times watching other childrens’ behavior and trying to figure out whether s/he is autistic or not. Sometimes, I happen to notice a child who appears to have autistic behavior. It never crossed my mind though to tell his/her parents. I only do it as a “unscientific research”. Deep in his/her heart every parent knows. Us telling him/her about it will lead to nothing (except maybe an angry parent).
Hi Cliff,
You have made my point: I am not an expert in autism, only my child who happens to be (pleasantly) autistic. I would not approach a stranger and express concern unless it appeared the mom or dad needed assistance at the moment and even then I wouln’t give an opinion.
The only “strangers” who have ever verbalized concerns regarding K have been extended family and friends of a friend of ours, all from India. Individuals would come up and complement K but then add “she doesn’t like to play with the other kids does she… or I see K needs time to herself… I’m not describing the delightful chaos of an Indian party very well but it was clear to me that these individuals were zeroeing in on K’s less than optimal social skills.
I desperately need spell check…
There is a difference between innocent unknowing (under-informed) and deliberate unseeing (in denial). You cannot change the minds of parents who, for whatever reason, consciously choose to ignore signs of autism. They have to do that for themselves. I subscribe to the belief that, for the most part, parents know their own children better than anyone else. Does that mean they always do the right thing? Of course not. But in the case of a child already school-aged, you will probably not be shedding any light on the problem itself– just the method for dealing with it. In these shoes, I would probably wait for the parent to take the lead. If she had concerns and/or questions, I’d do my best to cautiously help in the context of what worked for my kid, but I would keep the focus on “you know your kid better than anybody else. Educate yourself, and you will be the expert.” I say cautiously, because there is always the chance that your perspective and/or help is not wanted, nor welcome. Try not to take it personally. Parents don’t necessarily want advice from others, even if you think it’s in their best interest.
A followup:
We had Shabbos dinner last night with a family who are quite impressive: warm, multilingual, parents both highly involved, both physician/researchers, the three young boys bright, well-spoken, polite, relaxed, and involved in a bewildering array of activities. After the kids had left the table, one of the parents said something worryish about the boys, and I protested that they were all polite, bright, and likeable. No, they said, they’d had to work especially with the middle one on things like noticing others’ feelings and looking at people’s faces. And I remembered that during the meal the middle boy had been serving food, been a yutz with the plates in an entirely familiar way — that “oh a plate has materialized in my hand, what does one do with that, now someone’s yelling at me about a table, right oh there it is — what? oh, there’s a plate, how annoying and fuzzy — now plate on table, something’s not right but it’s not part of me –” and he’d really caught it from his dad for the clumsiness. On (concentrated) reflection, I remember that yes, he does move in kind of a lumbering way, but nothing terribly unusual, young boys all look like feral animals anyway.
When we left, and the children were told to say goodbye, the dad caught the middle boy by the head, said, “Look at her face,” turned boy’s head to face mine, boy said goodnight politely and was released.
One of the parents is a psychiatrist, and I’d be surprised if the diagnosis hadn’t occurred to both of them. So I wondered about the intensity of the reaction over the clumsiness, apart from the fact that it obviously bothered the father. It occurred to me that they’re probably doing the best thing there is to do, which is to shrug and say, “Well, that’s hard on him, but he’ll still have to do these things people do.” You don’t forget that kind of training. It may make you feel lousy, but unless you’re quite fragile you get over it, and you remain aware of the standards. It turns out to be important. Eventually you decide for yourself what’s acceptable in terms of meeting them.
I am still much like T.H. White’s ants, unable to manage more than one object at a time without painfully slow/stupid up/down routines. Always the last out of a room if I’ve got more than one thing to carry. Time to exit increases exponentially with number of objects to manage. I’m also aware, dimly, that there are people who are seriously, viscerally bothered by this. I figure that’s a genuine reaction, but also an overreaction, and not my problem; so far, that’s been true. But I do consciously, many times daily, reduce the number of things to carry. Put bags inside bags. Throw items away. Leave items in cars, at home, in corners. Some, alas, are never retrieved. Which means it’s lucky I don’t care much about them.
That “lumbering”-ness lurks in Charlie, but I think our efforts to get him exercising daily—doses of swimming, biking, and walking—have helped a lot with motor planning. Do you see this family often? Best wishes—
“young boys all look like feral animals anyway”
Do they now?
“Motor planning” — I hadn’t heard that phrase before. Yes, we see them often. Very interesting and engaging people, and it looks as though we will soon have a concert for two 4-year-olds and the tiniest violins ever seen. The man especially seems intent on doing everything there is to do, is quick and funny, and the woman is tired, quieter, but gentle and very thoughtful, a middle sister.
Yes, I think that sort of training can be helpful with the lumbering, although I was never really aware of moving clumsily (just moving clumsily into other things). Yoga is good too. I spent a few years teaching aerobics, and that helped immensely, even though I’d been a runner and cyclist before then. The awareness of the body in space, the mirror check, and the attention to rhythm were all helpful to me. So was flying, which also requires that 3D awareness. (Not that I was after it. But I recall going out dancing with college friends and getting a shocked reaction from one boy: “You have coordination now!”)
Unfortunately it doesn’t last unless you keep it up, and I’m more a bike-and-run person these days.
I did contemplate volunteering the “I’m like that too, it turns out not to be fatal,” thing, but a) “I’m like that” may be inaccurate; b) I suspect they’d find the comparison somewhat alarming, and that they want something better for their son than what I’ve got. They steer the kids considerably, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the dad kept it up even after the kids were grown.
Which led me to wonder: What if I had been steered more? My own father’s been careful not to steer me at all. I think actually it would have been disastrous. I’m usually quite happy to be steered so long as it doesn’t interfere with my own projects. But handing over major life decisions to a parent through adulthood…I think I’d be paralyzed when my father could no longer tell me what I should do. It has to do with assessing large social situations and trends, figuring out where one can find a niche, paying attention to context, and following through aggressively. This is a crucial skill, even if you don’t do it in major-league fashion. But perhaps in this family, the expectation will be that the eldest son will look after the middle one. I don’t know.
I was asked so many times before I got the dianoses “Does your son have Autism” I was kinda relieved and thought it isnt all in my head.
You have to walk catiously though because not alot of parents would like to hear that.
I found it a relief to know Charlie’s diagnosis—and, too, it got us started on finding out about all that we could do.
WHY are parents in denial or resentful when someone mentions the possiblity of Autism to them?
Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought being a parent is all about doing what is best for the child, and doing whatever is necessary for the good of the child.
Life is hard enough as it is with bullies and such, why would anyone want to make it any harder than it has to be by denying a child the help he/she needs just because they’re too proud to admit their child needs help?
I’m sorry but that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. In fact, and I know this probably isn’t a statement that will make me popular here but I must say it because I’m truly baffled at this behavior, I think it’s selfish to suspect there may be a medical need or have it suggested to you and not at least get the child tested to be sure. What harm can come from a test? None. But it may be harmful NOT to get tested and the child be denied needed medical help.
In some states people can be arrested for witnessing a car accident and not sticking around to assist in any way they can, whether it be by dialing 911 or etc because it’s the right thing to do to help those in need who can’t help themselves.
And yet society has decided that it’s ok to say nothing to a parent of a possibly special needs child for fear of offending the parent? Absurd! What about the child who can’t help himself/herself?
As a United Methodist, I as a congregation member take an oath every time a child is baptized in our church to help the parents raise the child in a Godly manner. And I believe that among other things, it means to help the parent to make good decisions in raising the child. To be a good example for the parent and child. And if that means taking the parent aside and suggesting their child may need to be tested for Autism, then I think I’ve done something God would be proud of. I don’t think God would want people to say nothing, he gave the parent the child as a gift to take good care of not neglect. It would be neglectful to ignore a child’s medical needs.
Anyway, just my opinion. Parents please rule with your heart AND your head for the good of the children.
HI Nicole i agree with you,i’ve been married for 25 yrs and from the day i got married i new that my wife was very reserved,but i thought that was her nature being the only child.In the past ten yrs shes been seeing 4 pschologists for panic and anxiety attacs,only last year when i got home from work i found her crying,so i asked her the question–what was wrong and she repplied that when she was young around the age of 6 she was molested by her granfather in which he past away in 1969,and she was born in 1962.This granfather is her mothers father,,,,i asked the question did her mother kno about this taking place –she replied -no-,i told her that she must tell and put it at rest,,,she replied -no- and if i said anything she would leave me ,because she did not want her parents to kno…She got worse and i went and done the dirty work for her,,,,quess what happened,,,she left me and she still saying to her family that it did not happened,,shses been away for 4 months now and not a word.Idont even think she said anything to her cancellor because i went and told him the problem that she had so he could slowly get her to talk ,he through me out after 15min and charged me $140 and after that he told her that i went and saw him…now were do we go from here i like to kno….I think her mother knew all along but her father didnt that is where the problem sitts