Correct me if I’m wrong but I thought being a parent is all about doing what is best for the child, and doing whatever is necessary for the good of the child.

Life is hard enough as it is with bullies and such, why would anyone want to make it any harder than it has to be by denying a child the help he/she needs just because they’re too proud to admit their child needs help?

I’m sorry but that doesn’t make any sense whatsoever to me. In fact, and I know this probably isn’t a statement that will make me popular here but I must say it because I’m truly baffled at this behavior, I think it’s selfish to suspect there may be a medical need or have it suggested to you and not at least get the child tested to be sure. What harm can come from a test? None. But it may be harmful NOT to get tested and the child be denied needed medical help.

In some states people can be arrested for witnessing a car accident and not sticking around to assist in any way they can, whether it be by dialing 911 or etc because it’s the right thing to do to help those in need who can’t help themselves.

And yet society has decided that it’s ok to say nothing to a parent of a possibly special needs child for fear of offending the parent? Absurd! What about the child who can’t help himself/herself?

As a United Methodist, I as a congregation member take an oath every time a child is baptized in our church to help the parents raise the child in a Godly manner. And I believe that among other things, it means to help the parent to make good decisions in raising the child. To be a good example for the parent and child. And if that means taking the parent aside and suggesting their child may need to be tested for Autism, then I think I’ve done something God would be proud of. I don’t think God would want people to say nothing, he gave the parent the child as a gift to take good care of not neglect. It would be neglectful to ignore a child’s medical needs.

Anyway, just my opinion. Parents please rule with your heart AND your head for the good of the children.

Yes, I think that sort of training can be helpful with the lumbering, although I was never really aware of moving clumsily (just moving clumsily into other things). Yoga is good too. I spent a few years teaching aerobics, and that helped immensely, even though I’d been a runner and cyclist before then. The awareness of the body in space, the mirror check, and the attention to rhythm were all helpful to me. So was flying, which also requires that 3D awareness. (Not that I was after it. But I recall going out dancing with college friends and getting a shocked reaction from one boy: “You have coordination now!”) Unfortunately it doesn’t last unless you keep it up, and I’m more a bike-and-run person these days.

I did contemplate volunteering the “I’m like that too, it turns out not to be fatal,” thing, but a) “I’m like that” may be inaccurate; b) I suspect they’d find the comparison somewhat alarming, and that they want something better for their son than what I’ve got. They steer the kids considerably, and I wouldn’t be surprised if the dad kept it up even after the kids were grown.

Which led me to wonder: What if I had been steered more? My own father’s been careful not to steer me at all. I think actually it would have been disastrous. I’m usually quite happy to be steered so long as it doesn’t interfere with my own projects. But handing over major life decisions to a parent through adulthood…I think I’d be paralyzed when my father could no longer tell me what I should do. It has to do with assessing large social situations and trends, figuring out where one can find a niche, paying attention to context, and following through aggressively. This is a crucial skill, even if you don’t do it in major-league fashion. But perhaps in this family, the expectation will be that the eldest son will look after the middle one. I don’t know.

Do they now?

We had Shabbos dinner last night with a family who are quite impressive: warm, multilingual, parents both highly involved, both physician/researchers, the three young boys bright, well-spoken, polite, relaxed, and involved in a bewildering array of activities. After the kids had left the table, one of the parents said something worryish about the boys, and I protested that they were all polite, bright, and likeable. No, they said, they’d had to work especially with the middle one on things like noticing others’ feelings and looking at people’s faces. And I remembered that during the meal the middle boy had been serving food, been a yutz with the plates in an entirely familiar way — that “oh a plate has materialized in my hand, what does one do with that, now someone’s yelling at me about a table, right oh there it is — what? oh, there’s a plate, how annoying and fuzzy — now plate on table, something’s not right but it’s not part of me –” and he’d really caught it from his dad for the clumsiness. On (concentrated) reflection, I remember that yes, he does move in kind of a lumbering way, but nothing terribly unusual, young boys all look like feral animals anyway.

When we left, and the children were told to say goodbye, the dad caught the middle boy by the head, said, “Look at her face,” turned boy’s head to face mine, boy said goodnight politely and was released.

One of the parents is a psychiatrist, and I’d be surprised if the diagnosis hadn’t occurred to both of them. So I wondered about the intensity of the reaction over the clumsiness, apart from the fact that it obviously bothered the father. It occurred to me that they’re probably doing the best thing there is to do, which is to shrug and say, “Well, that’s hard on him, but he’ll still have to do these things people do.” You don’t forget that kind of training. It may make you feel lousy, but unless you’re quite fragile you get over it, and you remain aware of the standards. It turns out to be important. Eventually you decide for yourself what’s acceptable in terms of meeting them.

I am still much like T.H. White’s ants, unable to manage more than one object at a time without painfully slow/stupid up/down routines. Always the last out of a room if I’ve got more than one thing to carry. Time to exit increases exponentially with number of objects to manage. I’m also aware, dimly, that there are people who are seriously, viscerally bothered by this. I figure that’s a genuine reaction, but also an overreaction, and not my problem; so far, that’s been true. But I do consciously, many times daily, reduce the number of things to carry. Put bags inside bags. Throw items away. Leave items in cars, at home, in corners. Some, alas, are never retrieved. Which means it’s lucky I don’t care much about them.

You have made my point: I am not an expert in autism, only my child who happens to be (pleasantly) autistic. I would not approach a stranger and express concern unless it appeared the mom or dad needed assistance at the moment and even then I wouln’t give an opinion.

The only “strangers” who have ever verbalized concerns regarding K have been extended family and friends of a friend of ours, all from India. Individuals would come up and complement K but then add “she doesn’t like to play with the other kids does she… or I see K needs time to herself… I’m not describing the delightful chaos of an Indian party very well but it was clear to me that these individuals were zeroeing in on K’s less than optimal social skills.

I desperately need spell check…