Feeling Defeated
Things have been really rough in our household for the last couple of months. We are really struggling with our teen. He outright refuses to do homework. It’s gone beyond rebellion to something I can’t even explain. We’ve tried everything I can think of.
We started with a rule that there is no computer on school night unless it’s needed for homework. Then it turned in to no video games on school nights. We figured if he couldn’t get on the computer or play video games then he wouldn’t have anything else to do, but do his homework. But instead he sat in front of the TV all night long.
Then he was grounded to his room until he brought his grades up (which were mostly Fs by this point). He sat in his room listening to his radio and writing down each song he heard and the artist who sings it. Or he talked on his cell phone.
Before we could take the cell phone away he left it at his uncle’s house and has never gone back to get it. So no cell phone.
We decided to take another approach. Instead of punishment we would give him rewards for doing homework. And we’d break it up in to bite size pieced. The first night we tried this I picked out three assignments from his long list of missing assignments. I said, “If you get these three assignments done. Completely done. You can have one hour of video games.” He was excited about it. He went right to work. I had class that night so I kind of left it up to him to be on the honor system. I told my husband we had this deal and then left it up to the teen to get the assignments done. Turns out he only finished two of the assignments because “I left my book in my locker and couldn’t do the third one,” but he still got on the video game anyway. In his mind he did as much as he could and that was good enough to satisfy our deal. In my mind he didn’t fulfill his end of the bargain and he should not have been on the game.
Almost a month ago we started to see a family counselor to see if he had any new suggestions. So far we’ve had two appointments and no change. Since we’ve already taken everything else away and it hasn’t motivated the teen to do any homework, the counselor suggested we wake him up at 4:30am on days when he doesn’t do his homework. The theory is we make him do his homework at 4:30am if he won’t do it during waking hours. If he “forgot” his homework at school then we find some other chore for him to do like scrubbing the toilet. He turns absolutely nothing in which means my husband has to get up at 4:30 every. single. day.
The first day we tried it the teen sat at the kitchen table doing absolutely nothing until 6:30am which was normal waking time. The next morning he refused to get up so my husband kept shaking the bed repeatedly until they finally struck a deal. The teen would do all five missing math assignments (from the current chapter) the second he got home from school. Then that night he brought home his algebra book, but “forgot” his folder and he’d already started all five assignments so he refused to do them over. Supposedly he did get them finished the next day and supposedly he turned them in on Monday, but he’s lied about his homework so much we can’t really believe him at this point.
Yesterday the teen told me he does have goals. He has a goal to graduate from high school. With all Ds. And what’s sad is I was thrilled because at least he plans on graduating from high school.
What really breaks my heart about all of this is outside of school work, he’s a super kid. He’s smart. He does well on the annual state tests. He’s such a sweetheart. His younger brother’s and sister love to hang out with him and have him babysit (which we can’t say about our other teen). He’s so polite. He’s the type of kid who would throw his coat over a puddle to walk an old lady across the street. He’s helpful. We don’t have to nag him about doing his chores anymore. He just does them. And does them well. Not half-assed like some other teens who shall remain nameless. He’s respectful. Other than arguing about homework, we rarely have any other arguments with him.
I’m not sure what else to do at this point. I’m on the verge of giving up and letting him fail. For the longest time I was holding on to the fact that he’ll be “ruining his life.” But if he doesn’t graduate, his life will be more difficult, but it won’t be the end of the world. He can get his GED when he realizes he can’t survive on minimum wage and gets passed up for even fast food jobs because he’s a high school dropout. I have faith that he will come to realize he’s made a big mistake and will try to do better.
Until then I made an appointment with our family doctor to see if maybe he has a learning disability we aren’t aware of or maybe depression. He was diagnosed with ADD a year ago, but the medication hasn’t helped at all. And I made an appointment with the eye doctor to see if there is any problem with his eyes we need to work on. I’m grasping at straws, but I’m hoping we can find something that explains this.
this was my life with my first teen.
all i can offer is comiseration.
i forced my daughter to finish high school and i told she would or die trying. independent study was what finally got her the diploma. she still made what i believe to be bad choices given the fact she is extremely bright and now as a young adult she has regrets and does struggle and will likely struggle for years to come but she accepts the bed she made with a lot of regret especially as she sees the promise in the lives of her younger sisters who have chosen to do well in high school. she thanks me for dragging her through high school to graduation.
i have to offer based on what my now adult daughter has told me about those 4 painful years in our lives that there comes a point where even if they are still children in so many ways, they are ultimately responsible for the bad choices that they have made and they soon realize it. dig in your heels and stand firm. get him through high school to his diploma and PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!
take care.
Good timing with this post. My daughter’s middle school has a website where I can check her grades on a regular basis, and yesterday I discovered that she has a D in Social Studies because of 3 missing assignments (worth a total of 200 points) and a D on a quiz. Granted, it’s early in the quarter and she claims she’s already doing extra credit to try and bring the grade up, but what happened to my straight A student? It’s like she doesn’t even want to try anymore. I told her that I’d understand if her grades were slipping because she was struggling with the material, but if it’s something dumb like not turning in her work, that is just unacceptable.
As for your son, it sounds like he’s just being stubborn. It also seems like you’ve done everything you possibly could, and maybe letting him fail and learn from his own mistakes is the best thing to do now. Maybe when you stop “caring” about his grades, he’ll stop trying to prove something to you. It seems like a power struggle, and maybe if you stopped fighting him he’d get bored with a one-sided fight and start trying again. Let’s hope, right?
Good luck!
This has been a discussion on a homeschool board I read recently> here is the link> http://www.welltrainedmind.com/forums/showthread.php?t=65695
I’ve talked to a few other mothers with sons like this– they were homeschooling already– and the gist of it was, they need to be released. Let them fail, get off their back, let them quit high school and get on with their life. They have made up their mind, and aren’t likely to change it. Even New Hampshire is talking about having high school end at 10th grade now! Remember the 12 years of education model is relatively new, historically speaking, and I can’t say it’s been a smashing success, looking at our society today.
Most community colleges require neither high school diploma nor G.E.D.: they only require the incoming student take placement tests. Then the student can begin classes based upon the testing. The student can get A.A. degrees in many job fields, and then can transfer to a 4 year university-one day, when he chooses- with just the community college transcripts.
There is also Accelerated Education-
Here are some books I recommend:
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Teenage-Liberation-Handbook-School-Education/dp/0962959170/ref=pd_bbs_sr_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227118352&sr=8-1"The Teenage Liberation Handbook</a>
<a href="http://www.amazon.com/Accelerated-Distance-Learning-College-Twenty-First/dp/0970156316/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227118411&sr=8-1"Accelerated Distance Learning</a>
Here is one more book and since I see the html code didn’t work I’ll just simply paste
http://www.amazon.com/Real-Lives-Eleven-Teenagers-Stories/dp/096295912X/ref=pd_bbs_sr_2?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1227118352&sr=8-2
Sorry, one more excellent book
http://www.amazon.com/Hard-Times-Paradise-David-Colfax/dp/0446514896/ref=pd_sim_b_2
Wow. All I can offer is:
1) Many other parents/families are in the same boat, so you are definitely not alone, and can take some solace in that.
2) He’s still a good, caring kid. You should take heart in that, because that is as important and defining as anything in life. And is a reflection of your parental love and attention over the years.
3) As one counseling instructor told me in college, at the end of the day, we can’t take direct responsibilitiy for others’ feelings and how they choose to respond to life. People are responsible for their own behavior. Easier said than done, I know, but others here have offered that same kind of thought. I buy it as well.
4) As one boss told me, no matter how others may try to guide or help or instruct or scold, some people have to step in a big pile of sh*t before the light comes on. That’s the only way they get it.
5) It sounds like you’re conscientious and clued in to your kid’s life that, in the long term, a successful milestone will emerge, whenever or whatever that is. It’s not like you’ve abandoned him. That will count in the long run. In the meantime, as others have mentioned, you may have to cut him loose for a while.
6) Does he have any close friends who are trying to get through to him? Or are they kind of in the same boat with their lives?