First Dates #374
August 21, 2008 by Lara Kulpa
Filed under Relationships
He was very nice, this guy I met on eHarmony for the first time about a week or so ago. My life is pretty crazy sometimes, and he was sweet, and patient, and had no trouble being the one to “chase” me a little, which is something I’ve secretly wanted to experience more of in my life.
He was born and raised in “The South”, and moved up here to Upstate NY in search of a better career. He was tall, over six-foot, with dark hair and really pretty blue-ish eyes. I finally agreed to meet up with him for dinner, and he took me to a place neither of us had been before, which I think was pretty cool.
I wore a summery dress that I feel utterly fantastic in, with low slingback heels and just a pair of sparkly earrings and a ring on my right hand. He had come from work, and was in a dark green polo shirt and khakis.
We talked, a lot. It was nice, but kind of felt like a battle between who was going to tell the next story. Almost like he couldn’t wait to get stories out of me, and couldn’t wait to share his own. Not that that’s a bad thing, and it can likely be mostly chalked up to some first date jitters, but it was something that stood out to me.
The other thing that really stood out to me, was the fact that I was sitting there the whole time, waiting for that “spark” to happen. I mean, I can hold a conversation with a dirty window if I really want to, so it’s not the ability to communicate “spark” I’m wanting. It’s just… that instantaneous, breath-stealing, arc of electricity that happens when you first lay eyes on someone. No, it’s not a physical attraction thing either. It’s subliminal. Natural. Unpredictable. And yes, I’ve felt it before. Just not this time.
At the end of the date, I offered to pay my half of the meal and being polite and gentlemanly, he refused to allow it. I thanked him, he walked me to the car, I gave him a hug and was on my way.
(Yes, I then picked up the phone and in this order, called my mom, my dad, and two of my best girlfriends. All before I made it back into my driveway.)
The next day there was an eHarmony message, and then later that day an answering machine message. I really WAS busy with a bunch of stuff and the weekend escaped me, as it often does. By Monday morning, I’d also missed another answering machine message, and I realized I needed to say something. But I’ve never had to do that before really. I mean, I’m not a bitch, so I can’t just be all “Yeah, I met someone else, sorry,” or blow him off and not respond, hoping he’ll give up. That’s SUCH a “player” thing to do (and I couldn’t be a player if someone wrote an instruction manual on how). I had to be honest with him.
What he responded with made me feel bad. He said that it was too emotionally taxing on him to get into someone and have them either fall off the face of the Earth or just not even want to try their hand at a friendship. He said he was going to take a break from dating, and eHarmony, and trying to meet someone special. I felt bad for him, because he really IS a nice guy, a great conversationalist, has a good work ethic, and does someday want to be a husband and father. He’s someone’s Prince Charming, just not mine.
So why should I be feeling bad about that? What is it about me, that internalized what this guy said to me, and took it to mean that I hurt him somehow? Why does that bother me so?
Got a “first date” story you want to share?
Email me at lara.kulpa@b5media.com and tell me! I promise to protect the names of the innocent (or share the names of the not-so, if you wish)!
You DO NOT need to feel bad. This guy is a retard for thinking that in one date he will meet the woman of his dreams. He’s emotionally unstable and wants to pressure someone into being his girlfriend, which is why he is still single.
PS, coincidently, I JUST signed up for eHarmony last night. Wish me luck.
Auugh! Luck!
Wait til I regale you all with my eHarmony stories… you’re gonna laugh so hard you’ll all pee!
I know, he was really nice, but at that point really came off as more desperate than anything else. Since my ex was a huge manipulator (though much more obvious than this guy) it’s pretty easy to see the signs, but it still made me feel bad for some reason. *shrug*
And Darcie, you’d better share your stories with us!
Sometimes the spark is a bit slow in coming. My boyfriend and I spoke on the phone daily before he came for a visit and he was my big love from high school, but when he first walked up, I didn’t feel sparky at all. The next day, we went for this long hike and he hugged me and I was hooked. I wonder if it was the touching that did it?
Anyway, too much interest from a guy can feel over-powering at first and a bit scary. I think it’s wise to trust your gut.
I used to think that way, that it took time sometimes… but I really noticed that if I didn’t feel “that spark” from that first second, it wasn’t ever going to come through.
I don’t like the idea of forcing it or hunting for it or even… *gasp* waiting for it. For me, it’s either there or it’s not, you know?
But yeah, it wasn’t so much “scary” (very little frightens me, lol) but more like… I dunno, just a lack of excitement.
Don’t feel bad, sometimes some hold the first date too high. For him he sounds like he was looking for the wife and first you must find that friend. At least that’s how I look at it. I remember a “first date/blind date” I went on. There was NO spark, he too was a great conversationalist, knowing in politics (ikk at the time) and pretty much a nice guy. Only problem was we were no where on the same page and like you I couldn’t hurt his feelings. We shook hands in the end, it was kind of strange but I definitely didn’t want a kiss. I told his friends I wasn’t interested and figured by not hearing from me he’d go on. He didn’t in fact he sent over a dozen roses, near thanksgiving he sent a table floral arrangement, etc. He would call but I wouldn’t be home, he just wasn’t taking the hint.
Finally I was home and explained to him there was nothing there. He was hurt, you could tell in his voice. He said it always happened. I felt bad, he then asked would you just as friends ever go to the theater. I ended up saying no as I didn’t want to make him think there was a future when I knew he just didn’t do it for me. He still tried, sending flowers or calling. Eventually I had a guy friend tell him I was engaged, he finally left me alone. Sometimes there is too much likeness from one that can scare away others. Other times there just isn’t that magic.
Wow, Eliza… that’s crazy!
I guess that sort of convinced me that by not letting it go too long I might’ve done the right thing. If I wound up with flowers and stuff I’d probably have freaked out!
I don think you need to feel bad…and I also believe in such “sparks” …do not feel guilty…love is not something should happen out of guilt or by force!
But I must say that online dating has changed really…but so has also changed the fear of meeting someone with his faked profile…I dont consider safe meeting at all guys from facebook, Myspace, match etc…I rely or e-harmony – more on meeting selected people directly…you know what I mean? something like Bluepont is also safe and maintains privacy…I installed it on my cell phone and have been getting good results …privacy for me is most important…I dont want to meet a 23 year guy (online) who turns out to be 45 year old man!!!
So be catious the next time you go on date with someone you met online!