I want her. I want her. At least I want to “feel” her

Where is God? I agonize several times a day.

I only stay alive to take care of my father (who is never happy with
anything I do), care for my 2 precious dogs – but after that………………………………………………………………………………

I esperienced a shockingly abrupt cut off of my marriage, 5 years later}
when my husband took $200,000 of my money. Thereafter, I’ve kept reclusive – living 6 years apart from my mom.

Previously, she was so ‘frickin’ pound of me ; they didn’t come better than
me” I know that’s not true – but in her eyes it was. I loved her
pride in me. She just loved me to death!!!!!

Aftr I was conned out of $200,000 (money from my 20 year busness), my
husband took off with it all……..leaving me only despondant, no disire,
belieft basis shaken to the core, etc.
After, “I failed”, mom focused her love and attention on her great neices
and nephews. I lost everything, but she only told me to be tough!
No empathetic loving hug nor hand to hold. My mother!!!! Who loved me
so much! She couldn’t face my reality. My brother convinced her not to
let me get her down by talking negative.
I living in Texas, and they all living in Pennsylvania. I had to quit working, as the $200,000 came from the sale of my 20 year business, which
I contracted not to compete against in the City of Dallas. I could’t work
anyhow – I fell into totol dispair. Mom couldn’t handle my disfortune.

She had a heart operation in November 2008. I flew up to PA to be with her.
She bragged on how wonderful thecare from my sister – in =law and my
brother is, and theat she had such great support system there with theri
whole fiamily. But the day I was to return to Dalls, she cried that
I didn’t want to stay and take care of her.

Frankly, I just wanted to get home – to crawl in my little home in Dallas,
so I could hide from how “shitty” my life had turned out. And like she
said, she had all the support she needed from all the rest of the family.

Barely functioning, experiencing the doomsday of myself and my mother, I
hid in my house.
Planninga trip home for Xmas 2009, I was intercepted with a call from my
brother, that mymother jumped out a 3 storey senior citisen building,
cracing her skull open and bled to death. MY MOTHER! MY MOTHER!
I talked to her 3 days earlier, laughing and happy about my upcoming visit
for Christmas – how we’d lunch and visit all the stores. It as l year since I saw my mother. Before my “conned” experience, I visited my folks
2 to 3 times a year!!!!!!!!!
3 days before I was to fly up to visit her, my brother called to tell me
she jumped. He & I don’t get along at all _long miserable story).
Mom was to be creamated. He gave me not time nor place of her funeral,
and then called cousins allover the country notifying them of her death
at 78 years old. Later Hd told all that I didn’t even come to the funeral.
My dad came to Texasto livewith me.

My pain is so intenese and sporatic. I miss her so much -My MaMa!
I need her. I have noc hildren and not married. I need to see her
loving eyes and touch her hand. It has been a year Dec. 9, 2009.
I can’t feel her around me. I cry & i cry – I want her to be alive.
I want to go visit her in PA. I want to call her and talk to her and
to hear her sweet loving voice.. I want to hear
her tell me how interesting & great I am. I will never hear this from
anyone no more.

I don’t want to live anymore. There is no more joy!
My mother was my best friend………she is not here anymore!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I want to
scream and yell and cuss g-d, Why Why Why?????
I have no husband, no children, only myself. I need her love!!!!!!

My brother and his wife, and their children, have nothing to do with me nor my dad. No celebretory cards, no holiday cards, no birthday cards; (they got
over $250,000 from mom, days before her death, to [payoff their house)
““““““left my dad with very little.

I take care of my dad very well, but he ‘presses’ my buttons’ endlessly.
Never reallized how toup care for a very elderly person could be.

I pray every day to be genteler and kinder to my old father. Very tough.
I’m at my wits end. I want to crawl in a hole and die off slowly.
But, I’d be found from the sound of my excruciating tears and pain.

I just turned 60. My dad is 85.
When he dies – I’ll wait for my 2 beautiful dogs to die, and then
I’ll arrange something for me. Because the pain will be tooooooo great.

Why does our Lord allow me such pain. I’m a good woman.
I’ve been “shit” on so often…………….I pray for His Blessing to
live this end period of my life in some contentful way.
It’s NOT HAPPENING.