Friendship First
May 28, 2009 by Aly Walansky
Filed under Relationships
A few months ago, my friend *Tim (names changed because all my friends read my blog, it seems), told another friend *Anna, that he had feelings for her.
Tim and Anna had a great sort of – what seemed to be – brother/sister banter/bond. They’d hang out a lot, tease each other mercilessly, but all in a platonic sense.
Until that one day that, over linguine, Tim told Anna that he had had feelings for her…for years.
Anna did not feel the same, and let him down gently. Tim said he understood, that it wouldn’t change their friendship, and life went on uninterrupted.
Now, Anna is planning her birthday party – ironically to be held at my house, so I am even more intertwined in peoples’ lives than normal – and is in the beginning stages of seeing a new guy. Tim has just told her that he will not be attending – it’d be too uncomfortable for him, and in fact, he’s not sure he can be her friend at all, if she’s dating someone (who is not him, of course).
We’ve all been there – had feelings for friends, which weren’t returned – hell, I’m there right now! – but what is the “right” thing to do here? The obvious answer is that Tim should suck it up and attend Anna’s party, but we can also understand his discomfort.
So, if you were Tim – or Anna – what would you do?
Image: Sxc.hu
If I was Anna, I would treat Tim the same as ever because he’s a lifelong friend.
If I was Tim, I would attend the party because Anna is a lifelong friend.
It’s like that movie with Jennifer Garner and Mark Garafalo — the unique bond that happens between lifelong friends is so special that it shouldn’t be thrown aside so lightly.
I think Tim’s doing the right thing.
I see his actions not as being intentionally hurtful towards his friend, but as an act of taking care of himself. That he decided to take the chance at a relationship by letting his feeling be known, as the cost of holding it in was more than the cost of letting it out. So yes, there are changes as a result of letting them out, and he’s dealing with it. I say good for him, that now he’s being honest to himself and his friend rather than bottling it all up and putting on a facade that he’s happy with the status quo.
As for Anna, I’d hope that she’d be flattered that he had feelings for her and glad that he said something. That she would miss him at the party, but understand the reasons. Friendships change and evolve, come into your life and go out. Trying to force things to stay the same will just hinder growth for all involved.
Who knows, maybe now that Tim isn’t platonically joined to the hip with Anna, the newly open space will allow the love of his life to enter into the picture.
I suspect that it will take a little time before Tim feels comfortable around Anna again. If they are really good friends, Anna will understand that and not make Tim “suck it up” and attend just to make her feel more comfortable.