Gay Husbands/Straight Wives:One Closet Reason for Celibate Marriage
January 19, 2009 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Until a recent comment from a reader I really hadn’t thought about this much. I knew it happened, of course, but I hadn’t really thought about it as being a reason for some marriages to be celibate.
So, you know me, I did some research on the web and…wow. It seems to be more prevalent that I would have thought.
What are the statistics?
2001 U.S. Census figures show as many as 4 million Americans could be married or have been unknowingly married to a gay spouse living a double lifestyle. Since that was eight years ago, and there have been movies like Brokeback Mountain since then once could assume that it was actually more.
An excellent site for women who need support, finding themselves in this situation is Bonnie Kaye’s site, Gay Husbands Straight Wives. There are books available, but also articles, chats and a checklist which I have copied in part:
- You have a normal sexual appetite, but your mate thinks you have excessive sexual
needs. - There is a decline of sexual activity early in your marriage.
- Your husband is repulsed by normal sexual activity.
These first three are the three that are the most difficult because they happen in many instances for various reasons. Obviously if your mate has admitted to bisexual behavior or homosexual activity you might wonder…but these three seem to me to be the three that many women could say, “yeah, that is happening to me”.
On another site a woman who had recently found out that her husband was gay made the comment that he had always liked to have oral sex performed on him but was not anxious to reciprocate. That would make sense, wouldn’t it?
I have made no secret that my opinions are conservative. While I have no personal issues with homosexuals, and have friends that are, I don’t support the lifestyle. I don’t want this to turn into a free for all so any comments that are purely pro or anti homosexual and are not on topic will be removed. The topic here is purely straight women married to gay men and how they cope.
- If you have this experience how did you find out?
- Did you know before marriage?
- How do you cope?
- What are your long term plans?
If you are a gay man married to a straight wife:
- Why did you choose to get married?
- Do you think it is fair to your wife?
- Does she know?
- What are your plans?
Keep it civil please. And if you want to share your story in a private way you can email it to me and I will post it with no names, no emails, no identifying features.
image:SXC
I am in the opposite situation.
I am a woman struggling to heal and deal with my unwanted (sga) same gender attraction. Hubby and I have no sex life and I KNOW that is awful. I am working on it. I told him before we got married and he still chose to marry me. But I honestly though it was a phase I had gone through. It was not. It is the elephant in the room when it comes to our marriage.
Hmmm… this seems awfully familiar! My first boyfriend had all the hallmarks of being a closeted gay man – and eventually confessed that even though he told me he was a “virgin” he had actually slept with his male best friend.
I ended the relationship.
I have no issues with homosexuality (lots of my friends and family are gay) but the fact that he lied to me and put my health at risk was a deal breaker.
And besides, reluctant sex once a month is not good enough for me!
I’m now happily married to an enthusiastically straight man
But you told him, and that was courageous. At least he knew what the possibilities were.
The best way to get an elephant out of the living room is to chop it up and deal with it in small bite sized pieces. {{{{hugs}}}}
Thanks for commenting.
>>but the fact that he lied to me and put my health at risk was a deal breaker.
I think that probably is the major issue in most situations.
I was married to a guy for 11 years. It has taken me years to start getting over it.
I was a devout Catholic and took my vows seriously. He was a nominal Catholic and I should have been suspicious when he was keen on using Natural family planning. Any good excuse to avoid sex.
I thought if I could work out what was wrong I could fix it. He never has admitted it. I still only figured it out some time after I left him.
The problem wasn’t my many ‘failings’. It was his determination to conceal who he was from the world, duped me into marriage, and then had to manipulate me into thinking all the problems were my fault so I’d keep quiet.
This is abuse of the worst sort – using marriage to hide from the world and using emotional blackmail and HER religious beliefs to hide from your wife.
Today I have a straight man who loves my body and we will get past my hang ups eventually.
Maria, thank you for sharing that. I am glad that you are healing and in a good, healthy relationship. I think it is common for people to blame their “issues” on others in order to keep from having the inconvenience of dealing with them themselves.
My husband and I are both bisexual, in our 40s. We rarely have sex together, though (as far as I know) don’t have extramarital sex either. My husband did cheat on me in the past with men.. we went to counseling and got over it. I know, you’re all thinking I’m deluded.. I do believe he hasn’t strayed since. In any case, we’ve talked it over a lot, and concluded we love each other too much to not live together and just be happy. We don’t really have a sexual relationship any more, but we’re best friends and love each other dearly. It works for us.
Anon- If it works for you then it works.
Thanks for commenting.
My husband was verbally and psychologically abusive. he would start arguments for no reason. He made my life hell until one day, in front of the kids, he moved us the abuse to physical so i told him to leave. his behaviour toward me has been bitter and vile, and i found out he was having an affair with his very close female work colleague who also started sending me txts and so obviously believed his lies. I do not blame her, as I now see how manipulative and divisive he can be. This all hurt as I stood by him for years through one major-life crises and another. The kids and i have lost our home, he has caused me issues at work, i am still on my own as it appears only i was emotional over the break-up.
Our sex life was great initially, but shortly before we married our sex life went from nightly to once or twice a month at best. i put this down to his cannabis smoking and late nights. After the marriage, it was once every 6 weeks if that. He would physically push me away but if when i had had enough I said i wanted out of the marriage, the sex returned as did his niceness and sex was back up to every night. for a fortnight tops. He had told me some things over the course of our 8 years together that made me ask him if he had gay tendancies. He said that people thought he was gay, that just because he hung out with gay men did not make him gay… until i found his stash of pornography. This was ALL ladyboys. However, he would say that his friend loaned it to him for a laugh etc.
So, we seperated, he started seeing this woman, and they started a hate campaign against me (he even asked me to commit suicide so he could have the children as he hates me with a passion. Everyone knows of his anger and that he had issues or one sort or another and that i was too payient with him.
To summarise, I have always had my suspicions and have tried to get him to talk, but he denied it all. I use the word denied as shortly after he left, I logged in to his email account. He was and still is on local swingers sites advertising himself as a bisexual man. He writes that he has a girlfriend, but that she knows nothing of it and wants to meet men in his ‘time off’.
I should have trusted my perceptions. The anger he displayed toward me and the kids I now feel was a result of his mixed feelings and being trapped in a marriage. What i can not get over is that he tried to kill me to get rid of me because of this. That he is now with another woman who will hurt like i did and blame herself. That although there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with being gay, bisexual or straight, THERE IS SOMETHING WRONG in being so deceptive that you would hurt innocent bystranders to meet men casually for sex then go home and beat the wife as you see her as blocking your way in life, then hook up with another woman to use that person, too! It is the deception that hurts. The frustrated-behaviour displayed toward those who love you.
He called me the other day to discuss the children.I have not told him what I know. Theres no point, he will just lie. But he started an argument about what a shit wife i was and with his girlfriend present, said ‘I love ****** shes more of a wife than you’ll ever be – at least she doesnt think Im gay, cause thats what you said about me up until 2 months ago!’
If you are a gay person in a straight marriage, follow your heart and save yourself and the person who loves you in that marriage.
I feel for you! I had the exact same thing happen to me. I found this site by doing a search on line to find out if anything can be done legally to stop monsters like this? It doesn’t look like it:( My man did the exact same things. Was horrible to me and everyone else that loved him. And I caught him with his best friend. He laughs at me if I try to bring it up. He is a horrible person to me.
My husband & I have been married for 32-years. We are African-Americans, age 54 & 52 and we have one son and a daughter. My parents were married heterosexuals and our family was close net and very religious and family oriented. My husbands parents never married, both parents were deceased before he was eight years old. He was exposed to Pornography and a very loose value system very early in life. Looking back he was always indifferent, emotionally, mentally, physically, psychologically and spiritually detached, indifferent and void of normal human emotions. I think he was born with a male anatomy but the heart and mind of a woman. He is very emotionally, mentally and verbally abusive to me. There is daily extreme and severe verbal abuse. He is the most cruel and evil man that I have ever met or known.
I am praying to God for a means to continue my education, get job training and employment. He controls me and my life in every way. Women must stop settling and start running away from abuse.
I was 16 when my boyfriend moved in with me. He was my first with everything. So I don’t know how other relationships are supposed to be. We have been together scince 1997 & we got married after my daughter was born in 2002. We moved to his home town in another state. We have two wonderful children but through the 9 years living in his home town I found myself very depressed. He has a few best friends that he grew up with. He has done wierd stuff with such as taken showers with them in our home, masterbated with them when they where little kids, kissed one of his friend on the lips, spend more time with them then his own family at their house,I caught him masterbating to naked drag queens,cares about what this other friends feelings over mine or our childrens, he is controlling & mentally abusive, blames me for everything wrong, takes all the good credit even though he didn’t do anything. I tried leaving him & went back to my family. I had to go back to him in his state because he said I kidnapped our children. If I didn’t go back the courts said that I will go to jail & the kids would not see me for a long time. I was so upset I’ve never been to jail or never even got a speeding ticket. That really hurt me because I was our kids world. I’m their mother & father. Also,I’m not being conceded when I say this but I’m not an ugly girl & I’m not big. He never wants me & I always beg him to make love to me. All my freinds & family think he is gross & say I’m a beautiful person inside & out & that he is the opposite of me. I feel like I’m a cover up for him. I feel like he is ashemed to come out & maybe does things behind my back. I asked him if he was gay or bisexual, & he says no. I watched that movie Brokeback Mountain & our relationship is kinda like Heaths characture tords his wife. I don’t mean to wine, but I would love some friendly advise on this situation! Thanks, Jade