Get rid of my eating disorder? I’d rather die!
December 11, 2008 by angelique
Filed under Women's Health
One of the most interesting aspects of surfing the Internet scanning for general eating disorder, pro-recovery and pro-ana/mia sites is the realization that there are plenty of people who don’t want to get well. Truly, many individuals cling passionately to their EDs, strongly avowing to never let go of them.
Obviously, we’re living in a world of free choice, which includes the choice to stick with an eating disorder rather than try to move past it. I understand that and would never force someone to seek out help. Still, it bothers me tremendously when I read statements along the lines of: “No one better try to pull an intervention on me!” or “I’m never giving up ana!”
I don’t think there’s an answer to this problem. Obviously, not everyone will (or can) get healthy. Maybe they never were. Maybe ana/mia give them so much comfort that letting go seems horrifying. Maybe they have defined themselves by their eating disorders for so long that they can’t imagine life without starving, bingeing/purging or bingeing.
When I read the pro-ana and pro-mia sites, I do get angry… but mostly I become worried. Though I’m sure the writers there would scoff at what I’m about to say, I still have to say it: I get it. I understand. I know how much tougher it is to get well than to stick with what you know. Heck, I don’t love to change any more than anyone else.
For me, though, I decided long ago to work on my own recovery (and it’s a long, arduous process that sucks at times) because I don’t enjoy:
a) Lying.
b) Hurting others.
c) Losing mental energy to an eating disorder.
d) Feeling sick/nauseated 24/7.
e) Risking my life.
The benefits of an ED just don’t outweigh the disadvantages.
I entirely agree with your reasoning and your choice for recovery. I also believe that maybe, for some of us, the inability to choose recovery is part of the disorder. I, for one, have been fluctuating between a strong desire to recover and the polar opposite for a few years now. There are days that I do well, I want to recover, and I actively take steps to procure said recovery. Then there are days, for absolutely no reason, I just stop trying, and take steps backwards toward ana.
Since the medical community doesn’t know everything about this disorder, and we ourselves all know this manifests itself in completely different ways for each sufferer, my thinking is that, for some of us, our decision to remain disordered, or to seek recovery are not our own.
of ocurse you cant change it, its part of the disorder. I clung to mine for dear life because i didnt know who i was without it. it defined me. even though i hated it and it was killing me, it was the only thing i knew, the only thing i had that made me feel like i was in control, and it was what i spend 99.9% of my time thinking about. i didnt exist without it- it gave me a purpose.
It wasnt until i realized i deserved to be more than that, that i was able to start to let go. its all about self worth.
Kelly Turner
http://www.groundedfitness.com