Giant Elephants Leave Big Messes
January 5, 2009 by Marye Audet
Filed under Relationships
Did you ever hear the phrase that someone was ‘Ignoring the elephant in the middle of the room”?
Basically it refers to there being a problem that noone wants to admit to or discuss. You find it alot in alcoholic families and other families where there is some sort of major disfunction. The members of the family learn to step around not only the elephant but the large piles of poop that it creates.
Alot of people have elephants in their homes, some of them have more than one…and it causes stress, lack of intimacy, and other issues for every one.
I grew up in a family like that. And I determined when I was quite young that I would not tolerate elephants in my parlor…or their messes.
I believe Marc must have grown up like that. He says not but he seems to me to dance around elephant poop rather well for someone who wasn’t used to it.
Anyway. Marriage Actually is a tough blog to write because the determination has been to be open and honest and yet in order to work through things we need privacy. So how do we do that? How do we be transparent with our issues in order to help others and yet keep each other’s hurts protected? It has been a dance for sure.
Right now things are pretty bad for us, at least from my point of view. Some things have happened, some trust has been broken and I have said some unkind things. Some of which are true and some of which are probably perception on my part.
Are we headed for divorce? I don’t think so. I am committed to Marc. I love him. He says he loves me.
This is where it gets tricky. I need love to be active. Marc is very passive. I often don’t get the connection between the words he says and his action or inaction, depending. Having grown up in a difficult situation where words were often used against me I need a combination of words, written words, and positive action.
So, if you think that the blog is a little different than usual, that’s why.
It is harder for me to write, and apparently it is harder for Marc as well. Bear with us, pray for us, and as we work through maybe we can help you work through as well.
Do me a favor though. If you have an elephant in your parlor invest enough effort in your relationship to deal with it. Yeah, it will be painful but you know, surgery to remove cancer is painful…but necessary.
Besides your house will smell much better. 
image:SXC
M:
I am often amazed at how candid you and Marc are in this blog. It makes it very genuine, but must take a toll on your own privacy.
Sometimes it does seem as though you are writing to each other, as a form of communication, and we are just voyeurs into someone elses life – which is also quite instructional and useful in our life too.
Always prayers. Keep up the blogging – you’d be amazed at how many people you affect.
Thanks Andrea, that is an encouragement and a blessing. I appreciate it. At least if someone else is helped the pain becomes worth something, yes?
My husband and I went through a very rough patch. I knew he loved me but how much I didn’t know. It took a long time of blaming each other and being stubborn to realize what the problems actually were, they were much different than what we thought they were. That’s what ignoring the elephant can do I guess.
I wish you two the best, and I do believe Marc loves you. I truly hope you can work through it and find each other again
thanks Jess, I appreciate it
I’ll second Andrea’s remarks. Also, ’cause of your openness and honesty, I consider you as friends and ya, you are walking point for us who are similar situations ( everyone really, most just hide it ).
Everyone has issues of varying degrees – have you inferred what our issues are? I’ve written Marc some of them.
Elephants are messy, but at least you don’t have the spectre of the green-Manalishi ( with 2-pronged crown ) dancing in your living room.
Cleaning up after dragons are a tricky business.
The hard part is when you see the elephant and it’s messes , but your partner doesn’t. Being told you are crazy is no fun.
David… Dragons are easy. You just toss them a virgin every few days.
Ginger..that is true.
“David… Dragons are easy. You just toss them a virgin every few days.”
Or a couple of husbands
hmmm.
I am so sorry to hear you two are going through this. I am wishing both of you all the best as you work through the issues. I am inspired by the bravery you two show here, with your openness.
Thanks Tanya, that is sweet of you to say.