Got Me Some Of That Closure
July 10, 2009 by Michelle Smith
Filed under Relationships
I’ve always heard a lot about closure. A person will say they “need closure” or someone will advise another person to “get closure.” I thought it was a load of BS. Nothing anyone said or could say was going to make it easier for me to move on. The circumstances that lead up to a breakup hurt and time was the only thing that would lessen that pain, not closure.
Closure represented a sort of door. Open door=pain. Closed door=healing. No closed door ever truly changed the way I felt. It could not be that easy.
I was in a relationship that had no clear breakup. He simply stopped answering his phone. A few months later, there was a small amount of communication and eventually the whole ugly story came out (via another party, not my ex). I felt angry and closure was the last thing on my mind. I did not want to talk to him. I wanted him completely out of my head. I wanted him to disappear. I ignored contact from him. I got angry with my friends when they spoke about him. I got really angry when they relayed messages from him. The anger was bothering me and creating problems in other areas of my life.
Finally, I felt that enough was enough. I wanted any mention of him to stop. He did not mean anything to me other than a big ball of angry regret in my belly. I wanted to truly make him disappear. I wanted closure.
So, I emailed him. He answered. I said what I had to say and in very little time that anger changed to pity. Now I feel at peace. No angry ball in my belly – just the usual chocolate cravings.
I feel free now that I’m out from under the weight of all that anger. Could I be friends with him now? Oh, hell no. I still think he’s an ass. The important thing is that I don’t care enough about him to hate him any longer.
Here’s the key – closure is about you, not your ex.
I was wrong about the closure before. I did not understand it. It is important. It is healing. If you’ve been contemplating it, give it a try.
Image credit: Michelle Smith
Good to know, Michelle! I think about getting closure with my last boyfriend sometimes, but I’m afraid I wouldn’t be brave enough to do it face to face. And I suspect he’d be completely taken aback if I just sent him an e-mail one day telling him all the ways he hurt me. (Although it’s really my only option at this point, as he now lives in a different state and it’s only minimally possible that I’ll ever run into him face-to-face again.)
But I am glad you were able to put he-who-shall-not-be-named behind you and move on. You deserve so much better than that! And it sounds like you’ve got it.
Heather, I think if you are feeling fine without it, then you’ve probably already got it.
If you aren’t though, give it a try. You could send the email and he wouldn’t have to read it if he didn’t want to. Right? It doesn’t have to be an attack, just a sort of laying out of your feelings. Did he have plans to move out of state before, when you were together? That was fast, either way. Wow. Maybe he’s not a stay with it kind of guy anyway.
And yes, I do think I’ve got it pretty good this time.
To answer your question, the whole moving out of state thing was what made him decide to break up with me, or so he told me when we broke up. (He found out he’d been accepted to a Lutheran seminary out-of-state about a week after we started officially dating.) When he ended up with a new girlfriend a few weeks later, I began to have serious doubts about that excuse (and about everything I’d ever thought about him). That hurt me worse than the break-up, quite honestly. But he’s no longer with that girlfriend and he’s no longer in the same state.
And I’m not sure if I have closure or not. Luckily, I’m back to normal 95% of the time. It’s just the other 5% of the time, I wonder about closure.
Hooray for closure!!! I’m so glad you “found” it and “got” some for yourself! It really is like a sigh of relief when it comes through, isn’t it? Ah, on to bigger and better things now.
Yes, hooray! I guess it takes me awhile to figure some things out, but eventually I get it. I’m feeling pretty good.