Guest Post: Worth it All

I met Michelle last year via the internet. I entered Bloggy Giveaway and won a beautiful white baby blanket with mint green stars. At the time we were in adoption limbo…between Guatemala and domestic so when she heard that baby Gus had the blanket with him as his transition blanket I think she cried.
If you put 5 families,formed by adoption in a room, you would hear 5 very unique adoption stories. If you were to ask those 5 families what the relationship with their child’s birthmother is, you would hear 5 unique relationships.

In my family’s case, in 2005 our lives were changed forever when a pregnant woman went to our adoption agency and chose our profile from a pile of others. She and her partner, like my husband and me, were open to the idea of open adoption. She and her partner, like my husband and me, wanted to meet the other party involved before committing any further. In July, just two weeks before our daughter’s birth, we met for the first time.

After that first meeting, we agreed to moving forward with an open adoption, meaning that we would exchange identifying information, and that the adoption records would be, in essence, open. It meant that we could, when we were ready, exchange emails and phone numbers, and proceed with communication without the aid of our adoption agency.

The first few months after our daughter’s birth, we exchanged emails. We arranged for our first meeting since the day we took Megan home from the hospital via email, and met at the agency over the Christmas season. From there, Jane (not her real name) and I began calling more on the phone rather than email, and we began meeting at fun places, like the park, so that the children (she has an older son) could play. As we chatted more frequently, I got to see more of what was going on in her life. I could tell that I was becoming her sounding board for an array of things, from problems at work to dating dilemmas. In all honesty, the topic of adoption doesn’t often come up. Or it didn’t really come up, until last November when she called, telling us that she was expecting a child, in the summer of 2008.

During this pregnancy, we spoke even more often on the phone , and began text messaging as well. As is the case with many women who place children for adoption, Jane didn’t have much of a support network through this most recent pregnancy. I did a lot of listening over those nine months. She didn’t ask often for advice, and I didn’t offer any unsolicited. While my husband and I had talked about how we could plan in case she did chose adoption for this baby, I kept those thoughts to myself. She asked us in March if we would, in fact, adopt this new baby, and we were able to say yes. Would she have considered adoption for Andrew if we hadn’t developed a relationship? If she couldn’t call me directly and ask me? If she didn’t know she could find out how we were doing? I have no idea.

Since Andrew’s placement in June 2008, she’s made choices that makes visiting with the children inappropriate. We have had difficult conversations these past few months, mostly involving boundaries and healthy life choices. Through it all, she’s kept us posted where she is staying and how to reach her. She asks how the children are, and we talk about their older brother.

It’s not always easy, but it is always worth it. It’s worth it for the tidbits that I learn through our conversations–the foods she craved while pregnant, the age she was when she got glasses, similarities between her older son and our children. It’s worth it when I get the phone call on election night last week, telling me that she voted for the very first time.

It is worth it because Megan and Andrew will know about their birthmother. They will know what she looks like, why she placed them for adoption, what her favorite things are. It is my intention to continue working on this relationship with Jane, so that they will be able to ask her any questions they may have surrounding their placement and/or background. It is worth it because I know so much more than I would if we weren’t in frequent contact. Details that may or may not matter to the children as they grow, but details I am glad that I know.

It is worth it because I am a mother to two incredible children, children who would not be with me if it were not for Jane. The least I can do is to make sure my children know who she is.